My last post was rather too depressing. I realized it once I finished writing it. And minutes later I am writing this one. I just wanted to let out all the frustration. I was just so annoyed with everything. You know when I started this blog I wanted it to make it a happy blog. I wanted it to be a place where I can just be me, without any restrictions. I am tired and fed up of restrictions. And as I wrote it here I wanted to learn from the things I was writing but that didn’t happen. I started writing about my losses, my love, confusions but never about winning or moving on or achievements. And that was my biggest mistake. I always thought about what God is doing to me, I never cared about the things I should do to change them.
I was running away from everything. I was quitting life, love, my career, myself! I never tried to overcome my fears, my weakness. And this is how I’ve always been. I always complained. I never tried to win. I accepted defeat as it came. And I became used to it. I blamed it on my kismet. I blamed my luck. Yes, life has been tough for me I know but wouldn’t it be so dull if it wasn’t for all these difficulties.
Everyday has been a new day for me. Right from the day I was born. I was rejected for being a girl child. That’s a long story; maybe I’ll cover it up in some other post some day. Then my life in Pithoragarh, moving on to a big city like Bangalore, losing my medical seat by just one mark (another long story), falling in love, living alone, moving back to a small town…its been a long journey and I am still 22. Not even that, I am just 21 and a half years old and I’ve seen so much. I didn’t do anything adventurous, I didn’t go to nice expensive places, I never tasted alcohol, I was always scared to go on stage, I was just a timid innocent girl hopelessly romantic, in love and I had my dreams but life never turned out to be what I wanted it to be.
But its not over yet.
I am not scared anymore.
I don’t have a reason to fear anyone anymore.
I won’t be a pessimist.
I quit quitting.
I have been living a false life since I was born. That’s the reason I named this blog Pseudomonaz. I am living a pseudo life. But I won’t anymore.
Enough is enough!!
Today is 20th September and the only way to change my life is to get through GATE. And its on 20th January. I’ve 4 months exactly to be what I want to be. That is my only escape.
I’ve to accept that there won’t be any miracle. I was always a ‘study girl’. I don’t have any other talents and even if I have I don’t have an option to leave everything and pursue my dreams. I’ll but not now, later when I’ve all the opportunities to do what I want to.
As for now I want to do M.Tech. Yes, I want to attend a convocation which I missed this time. I want to get into one of the best colleges in India. And for that I’ve to study. And I have to do it this time.
Whatever it takes.
I am not going to lose this time.
I am going to win.
After all these years I am going to win.
This is it.
No more pseudo life.
I’ll have a real life soon. And I know it.
And I’ll read this post again and again to remind myself everything I thought of.
P.S.: It would really suck to tell you all that I didn’t qualify GATE after all this nautanki I am writing here. So, at least for this, I’ll study. I’ll make this blog my success story!!! 🙂