Because I Love A Guy From Another Caste

I am a Brahmin by birth. Brahmins in Hindu religion are considered to be the highest caste among the four castes or varnas.

 In my 21 years and 6 months of existence the only paap (sin) I have committed is falling in love with a guy from an ST(scheduled tribe) category.

Yes, I am a dhabba for my family and the society I live in.

And the only reason I am living with dignity till now is that no one knows about my paap.

Yes I am in a relationship from this guy from the past 2 years and no one knows about it except few of my friends. The younger generation of my family (sister, sister-in-law, cousins) do have an idea about it but even they are not sure and that’s because it’s a little dark secret of mine. Not even our close friends know about it. That’s because we belong to a very small town and we cant take the risk of letting our friends from that town know about us. Small towns are always dangerous. News like these spread fast. And if the news of this paap leaks out, we both will be dead (not literally)

My family like most Indian middle class families is very conservative. No one ever had a love marriage in my family. Leave my family, no one in the entire khandan, village ever had a love marriage. My own sister and brother got married as per my parent’s choice. My sister got married to a guy she only met once for 10 minutes (I still find it unbelievable).  Though they are happy in their lives, I am not. And that’s because I am in love with A. How we fell in love, our story is what I write in my posts ‘In love by default’, and that is not something I am going to discuss here.

Coming to A’s family, they are a little better than mine. Though it doesn’t mean they’ll be all happy about it but in the end they are going to accept it. Adding to that he’s a boy (ghar ka Deepak), no one’s going to lose their son because he married a girl of his choice. Eventually they’ll accept it.

As for me, a girl, I’ve to make a choice- either my love or my family.

And I can’t choose my love as I can’t let my parents die. I am a coward, if that’s what you call me. I’ve tried to change them indirectly many times, I’ve tried to get their opinion and now I know, its impossible to expect that they’ll any day accept it. Leave their acceptance, they’ll die of shame if their daughter does something like that. I can go against the society but not against my parents, not against the ones who gave me life. And I am sorry for that, sorry to everyone who thought I’ll make a different decision.

Sorry, I cant bring a change in the society by killing my parents, their hopes, their aspirations.

I was born a Brahmin and it wasn’t my fault. I am not religious, but I am not an atheist too. I do believe in god. But I don’t believe in unnecessary customs or practices going on in the society in the name of culture. Its their belief not mine. I want to be independent. I believe in equality in terms of religion, race,  caste or sex. The ones showing off in the name of religion is just not me. I don’t know why no one has a right to decide whom they want in their lives and whom they don’t.

My mother says that love marriages never work. May be they don’t, but who says arranged marriages are always happier. May be someday I’ll have differences with A and we’ll break up (most of the times the reason is we don’t have any future!), but that would be my choice.  Yes, we fight a lot and may be this time is the last time we are together but he was never wrong alone. I was wrong too. And it was just our decision. Who guarantees I’ll be happy with the guy I’ll never meet and just marry for my parent’s sake.

And the truth is I never had a choice in my life. They decided my school, my college, the way I’ll dress, the places I can go, the things I can do and the things I can’t. And I was a good girl till I fell in love but that wasn’t something I planned. It just happened. I avoided it to the best of my efforts but eventually I had to admit that I had feelings for him. I left him many times. I’ve hurt him and in this process of denying this love I’ve hurt myself countless times. But I never promised him that we’ll be together. That was my condition. I never assured him of any future, because I know my family. They can accept my decision of spending my entire life alone but not with a guy from the other caste. It’s not like they’ll kill me or anything but if I ever choose him, I know they’ll die and I can’t let something like that happen.

It hurts to call the most beautiful part of your life a paap but I’ve no other choice. I’ve tears in my eyes when I am writing this, yet again I’ve no choice.

So this is for you A (if you ever read this in your lifetime):

I don’t know for how long we’ll be together but I’ll keep loving you till the end of time. No caste, no religion can ever erase the love and the memories we’ve had and we’ll make. I won’t ask you ever to spend your life alone and wait for me all your life. I want to see you happy. I want to see your kids with those small eyes (yes, I won’t stop teasing you for your eyes in this serious post too), same as you have and I promise I won’t feel bad because this would be the second choice I’ll ever make in my life- this choice of not being with you. 

The first was when I made a choice to love you.

 

UPDATE:

I can’t believe I was dumb enough to write this post. This post makes me cringe too hard. I want to delete it, because this is just not me. I am not the girl I used to be. I don’t know how many people I have offended by writing this: Women, Scheduled Castes and Tribes, Parents, Lovers. I am deeply sorry if I have hurt you in any way. If you have come here to find an answer to your woes, I am sorry to disappoint you. Fight, if it worth it. BE brave and stick to your decisions and don’t do anything you would regret in your last days.

I haven’t given up, not yet!

{ 20/07/2017: Five years later read the part two here. }

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[ For another story under this category, check out Another Love story from Two States]

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