Because I Love A Guy From Another Caste

I am a Brahmin by birth. Brahmins in Hindu religion are considered to be the highest caste among the four castes or varnas.

 In my 21 years and 6 months of existence the only paap (sin) I have committed is falling in love with a guy from an ST(scheduled tribe) category.

Yes, I am a dhabba for my family and the society I live in.

And the only reason I am living with dignity till now is that no one knows about my paap.

Yes I am in a relationship from this guy from the past 2 years and no one knows about it except few of my friends. The younger generation of my family (sister, sister-in-law, cousins) do have an idea about it but even they are not sure and that’s because it’s a little dark secret of mine. Not even our close friends know about it. That’s because we belong to a very small town and we cant take the risk of letting our friends from that town know about us. Small towns are always dangerous. News like these spread fast. And if the news of this paap leaks out, we both will be dead (not literally)

My family like most Indian middle class families is very conservative. No one ever had a love marriage in my family. Leave my family, no one in the entire khandan, village ever had a love marriage. My own sister and brother got married as per my parent’s choice. My sister got married to a guy she only met once for 10 minutes (I still find it unbelievable).  Though they are happy in their lives, I am not. And that’s because I am in love with A. How we fell in love, our story is what I write in my posts ‘In love by default’, and that is not something I am going to discuss here.

Coming to A’s family, they are a little better than mine. Though it doesn’t mean they’ll be all happy about it but in the end they are going to accept it. Adding to that he’s a boy (ghar ka Deepak), no one’s going to lose their son because he married a girl of his choice. Eventually they’ll accept it.

As for me, a girl, I’ve to make a choice- either my love or my family.

And I can’t choose my love as I can’t let my parents die. I am a coward, if that’s what you call me. I’ve tried to change them indirectly many times, I’ve tried to get their opinion and now I know, its impossible to expect that they’ll any day accept it. Leave their acceptance, they’ll die of shame if their daughter does something like that. I can go against the society but not against my parents, not against the ones who gave me life. And I am sorry for that, sorry to everyone who thought I’ll make a different decision.

Sorry, I cant bring a change in the society by killing my parents, their hopes, their aspirations.

I was born a Brahmin and it wasn’t my fault. I am not religious, but I am not an atheist too. I do believe in god. But I don’t believe in unnecessary customs or practices going on in the society in the name of culture. Its their belief not mine. I want to be independent. I believe in equality in terms of religion, race,  caste or sex. The ones showing off in the name of religion is just not me. I don’t know why no one has a right to decide whom they want in their lives and whom they don’t.

My mother says that love marriages never work. May be they don’t, but who says arranged marriages are always happier. May be someday I’ll have differences with A and we’ll break up (most of the times the reason is we don’t have any future!), but that would be my choice.  Yes, we fight a lot and may be this time is the last time we are together but he was never wrong alone. I was wrong too. And it was just our decision. Who guarantees I’ll be happy with the guy I’ll never meet and just marry for my parent’s sake.

And the truth is I never had a choice in my life. They decided my school, my college, the way I’ll dress, the places I can go, the things I can do and the things I can’t. And I was a good girl till I fell in love but that wasn’t something I planned. It just happened. I avoided it to the best of my efforts but eventually I had to admit that I had feelings for him. I left him many times. I’ve hurt him and in this process of denying this love I’ve hurt myself countless times. But I never promised him that we’ll be together. That was my condition. I never assured him of any future, because I know my family. They can accept my decision of spending my entire life alone but not with a guy from the other caste. It’s not like they’ll kill me or anything but if I ever choose him, I know they’ll die and I can’t let something like that happen.

It hurts to call the most beautiful part of your life a paap but I’ve no other choice. I’ve tears in my eyes when I am writing this, yet again I’ve no choice.

So this is for you A (if you ever read this in your lifetime):

I don’t know for how long we’ll be together but I’ll keep loving you till the end of time. No caste, no religion can ever erase the love and the memories we’ve had and we’ll make. I won’t ask you ever to spend your life alone and wait for me all your life. I want to see you happy. I want to see your kids with those small eyes (yes, I won’t stop teasing you for your eyes in this serious post too), same as you have and I promise I won’t feel bad because this would be the second choice I’ll ever make in my life- this choice of not being with you. 

The first was when I made a choice to love you.

 

UPDATE:

{ 20/07/2017: Five years later read the part two here. }

  ——————–

[ For another story under this category, check out Another Love story from Two States]

*****

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162 thoughts on “Because I Love A Guy From Another Caste

  1. you know what…I’ve been in a family that has experienced similar stuff…and from personal experience I can tell you that you have made the right decision. You are not a coward. It takes a lot of courage to let go of a love. It truly does and you have displayed just that.
    and never ever continue to live in guilt. you are free and so are your choices. These choices maybe painful but should not give rise to guilt.
    kudos to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • i dont know whether i’ve made the right decision or not… i may regret it someday, may be not… but for the time being this feels right… this was something i had to do, if not today then some other day… the hardest thing we ever have to do in life is to either walk away or to risk everything we have… and i guess i am not strong enough to risk everything…

      Like

  2. If this relationship is there in your fate , it will happen happen for sure. Choice is yours, but trust me every body on earth is not blessed with true love. If you really want something do try for it as much as you can, do not let it go without even trying for it, atleast you wont live with a guilt that you dint even try for the thing you so wanted in your life. Please no intentions of hurting you. have just put my opinion. At the end do take a fair decision thinking about your parents, you and him.

    Cheer up girl !!! You are really brave 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • i have tried…many times indirectly… and i’ll in future…but its impossible that they’ll ever understand. i’ve a hell lot of time and i’ll try everything i can.. this was just a post on how our society is and how few girls are not allowed to live their own life..
      thank you for your thoughts…

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      • Being a good person doesn’t depend own your religion, your race and your skin color or your culture..its depend on how good your HEART and how good you treat others….

        Liked by 1 person

      • Anyone can have a child n call themselves “a parent”.A real parent is someone who puts that child above their own selfish needs and wants..

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sacrifice is greater than love,character is greater than beauty,humanity is greater than wealth, but nothing is greater than good relations.

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      • “The minute you think of giving up any relation,think of the reason why you held it so long”
        If you know your family well they are very rigid n mad about community then you should not spoil any girls//boys life to fell in love with them..that time you should have two option fight for your love you dont have gut to fight for your love then keep your feelings with you dont show it to that person to whom you cant fight for their love..

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  3. I admire your guts. If you noticed, I don’t write my caste. If I belong to X caste, it is definitely not my achievement. Simply useless.

    But in your own interest make sure it is love and not a crush, infatuation, attraction or lust. Only time can tell. Please take your time. May God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • being a brahmin was definitely never an achievement for me.. dont mind but it had been more of a curse.. i just feel like i dont fit in there… i cant see myself supreme or something like that..i just dont believe in castes or religion.. this was something i never liked about the society i live in…
      as for the love part… you might be right.. who knows what happens tomorrow.. this post was not just my story.. its a common problem.. i’ve seen people ready to die for each other to separate for family’s sake.. i just wrote my story as an example.
      thanks for your wishes… 🙂

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      • I agree first we are human being trying being a good person..our work n nobility will count at the end not our high caste n religion..
        The brahmin community has been one of the dirty communities which has planned strategically to fool people in the name of god by generating the highest donations in the temple, doing business to fool and loot money in the name of puja, death, marriage, new home… For any occasion, there’s one puja. They charge very high prices and take away all the items after the puja. They have created prostitution in the name of devadasis. They suppress jobs and employment and welfare and equality are destroyed. they have destroyed the Indian medical system. They have killed Indian medical science like siddha vaidhyam and created ayurveda and carnatic music by destroying dravidian music. Even today they have the temples under their control. They say they don’t like untouchables, but they have always been sexually harassing low caste women.

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    • You are right people dont need to tell everyone that they belong to which caste n community…just simple say it you are indian n your religion is hindu that’s it but first we are human being…but who feel proud to be a brahmin n one side they said caste n religion is doesn’t matter for them but when they talk about caste first they add they are brahmin n they dont believe in religion n caste..if you dont believe then why you telling everyone that you are brahmin..simple say you are only hindu n community doesn’t matter to you….

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  4. A courageous heart is needed to confess the love…and that what you have done.As far as caste and creed are concerned,there are still situations and conditions in our small places which believe in all this and I know you have to take care of everything around you,coz it s not what we suffer ,its that our parents sufferwhich makes us more vulnerable. For the choice of marraiges either love or arranged,nobody can predict which can be successful and which wnt be, The love you have now is truly genuine and your views commendable,give yourself sometime before you decide anything , Coz your conscience should be ready with your decision….and that will be always correct,even if it means hurting any of the two… Life moves on and so do we all. Love happens, and it remains..untill we die..but doesn’t mean it will live only if you two are together. what can make you live with a person who has nothing in life an dlost everything,or what will keep the glow alive when there are diferences and egos clashed? many things come into picture before u decide..its your soul that should speak…and yes u haven’t done any “paap”..

    Liked by 1 person

    • it does feels like paap when i hear about the few ‘sons and daughters’ who brought disgrace to the family…
      this was just something which was in my mind since the day i fell in love… i am too young to think about getting married right now…but yes being in love we did think about it and it only made us sad, or fight.
      and the reason i’ll make this choice to walk away is because of my parents. i cant even think of the things which people will tell them. i do have lots of time to think about it…
      “Love happens, and it remains..untill we die..but doesn’t mean it will live only if you two are together. ”
      this is exactly what i believe in… thanks for your views.. 🙂

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      • Inter caste marriage should be encourage..bcoz if people take this step then castesim and religion based discrimination should be stop itself..we all are human being..God never created any caste and religion..even God dnt has any caste and religion…did you know that God belong to which caste and religion..then keep shut your mouth about this stupid varan system and caste system okh.. In ancient times, caste system had the seeds of liberalism. It provided the right and opportunity to get to the top from the humblest origin and earn the respect of the whole society. For example, Vashishtha, the principal of the conservative school of Brahmanism, was the son of Uravshi, a prostitute. Vishwamitra, the maker of the very Gayatri Mantra, the quintessence of the Vedic Brahmanism, was a Kshatriya. Aitreya, after whom the sacramental part of Rig-Veda is named as Aitreya Brahamana, was the son from a non-Aryan wife of a Brahman sage. Vyasa of Mahabharata fame was the son of a fish-woman and he was not ashamed of his origin. Balmiki, an untouchable according to present standards, the original author of Ramayana, is highly respected all over India..And only you can make it good or bad this inter caste marriage. Depends upon how much importance u give to these meaningless and stupid values. And how much importance u give to other people who value these meaningless things. U have to see how much u urself r attached to other people opinions. And since u r asking for opinion, it means u r attached to these meaningless things.

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  5. I didnt really want to comment coz lets face it i cant put myself in ur shoes and know what you’re going through. but ill tell you one thing. this is escapism. uve said ur parents have always decided things for you including ur school, college, the way u dress etc. if this goes on you’ll end up marrying a guy they like but u have nothing in common with. will u be truly happy then? there is a saying- everything worth having in life is worth fighting for. dont just sit back and let it all run away. i can sense that this guy really means the world to you. my opinion would be to fight for it. atleast give it a shot. i get that the whole caste system is taken very seriously and that sucks completely. i completely detest the idea of dividing people based on caste or race. the rest is upto you girl. i wish you all the luck. cheers.

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    • hey they wont ever force me to get married. that is something i know. they are more keen on making me a scientist/ias/phd/professor etc etc.they are not completely like Amrish Puri of ddlj. for instance our rishtedars are bringing rishtas for me everyday saying ‘phir aise ladke nhi milenge’ but my parents dont care a bit about them. they’ll even support me if i decide not to marry ever. the only 2 things that i find wrong is- they still think i am 2 years old and the caste system which is mostly because of the society they live in.
      if i fight for it, may be they’ll agree eventually but i dont think they’ll ever see me again and they’ll feel as if they have done something wrong. and you know the rishtedaars. they wont let my parents live..
      thanks for commenting and giving your opinion… 🙂

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      • Oh man, ristedaars i tell you!! i wonder why do they always keep messing around in other people’s business. i have the same issue man. whenever i go meet them they’re always asking stuff like – so do u like any girl? no? then i know a girl who is perfect for you. i mean why do they keep messing around?
        its good to hear that ur parents have ur back against these crazy relatives and will support ur decision. funny thing is it dosnt actually matter to them who u marry, but they still have to butt in with their outdated ideas and weird customs and traditions that are holy according to them. its still not clear to them that castes and religions were made by man. we divided ourselves up. and if they do worship a god with complete faith they would realize all men and women are born equals. but im rambling now, and this idealogy will never change in the indian mindset. i wish you luck with ur guy. i hope it works out. cheers.

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      • rishtedaars and all these old age ideologies are never gonna change… but i’ve a hope it would be all right in the coming generations… and it would be wrong to blame our parents for that… this is a disease spread in the society.. they might understand some day but the fear of the society they live in never lets them change…
        thanks for the wishes, as for now its over for me..but there are thousands out there with the same problems, separation based on caste,religion or race…i just wish no one ends up like me… and people like you and me change this society some day! 🙂

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      • See we all have our beliefs. i mean one is free to believe anything. call it faith or whatever. but the problem arises when u force ur beliefs on others. i mean why do that? now my mum n dad are very religious but being a science student i dont think there is a god. i mean the facts dont add up. im glad they dont force religion on me and accept that i have my own beliefs. all this talk abt castes in this age is ridiculous if u ask me. and u know as a kid i used to think that my generation will not discriminate but it is quite the opposite. nothing will change and u read all the hate crimes tht happen in our country yaar. be it muslims or more recently north-east indian. why this happens, who started this and what will it take to end this will forever remain unanswered…

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      • seriously i hate it when people force their belief on me.. but right now i am not in a position to oppose it.. you know what people belonging to small castes in our village touch my feet(pranam),even elderly ladies do that..and i feel so ashamed.. and if i say something against it, everyone stares me as if i’ve committed a sin..
        but i do have a hope that the world will change, because i’ve seen the younger generation of my family which is not at all like the older one. slowly and slowly it’ll change for sure..some practices will stop in our generation,some a generation after ours…
        we just have to be positive and work towards achieving this dream of a perfect indian society…
        and the north east issue was disgusting.. there were thousands of students from north east in my college.. and many of my juniors left bangalore when that happenned.. regional difference is another major problem we are facing..i know another story based on that..now you’ve inspired me to write one more post on this topic…

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      • indeed it is. have u heard of this comedian called russel peters? well he said one thing as a joke and i figured he might just be right. he said indians arent terrorists coz terrorists hate america. indians just hate each other. jokes apart when u really think about it, all this regionalism, caste issues, religion bias etc etc. do we really hate each other? im kinda inclined to think we do. not everyone but anyone of a different community. they say one must marry within one’s own community. but why is that? what’s so wrong about another community? i dont understand this concept at all. my mum n dad tell me that their parents were very strict with them, im soo glad they dont impose the same restrictions on me.

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      • yes we do hate each other and its been everywhere..i myself have witnessed this hatred..the south and north indian hatred..there have been so many instances in my life too..i dont find any reason to not marry outside the community, on the other way round its better..genetically the more the variation,the better the evolution(dont mind my biotech mind ;-))
        but this is what it is and as for now we cant do anything about it.may be in future everything will be alright(hope so).

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      • yup you are right abt the evolution theory. Bio was one of my favourite subjects back in school 😀 still remember a little. i guess you’re right. at this point there is nothing we can do but hope for the best.

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      • well ur atleast still studying something close to bio. i gave it all up and became a sailor. not that i have any regrets 😀 i just kinda miss it at times.

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      • Mona, hmm i kinda had some idea abt that. uve got a good blog going here Mona. nicely done. Biotech? that is fairly popular these days. all about genetic engineering in plants and stuff right? trying to create species resistant to adverse temperatures, insectia etc etc. ?

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      • thanks.. this blog is the only thing i like about my life right now..
        biotech is not popular, its just over hyped! genetic engineering, i hate that subject from my heart’s core. ya everyone’s trying to create something new, and increasing the course load everyday for us.

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      • hello,

        i am here to say that i am from a sikh community and now married to a guy who belongs to sc caste. we are in true love with each other and its being few mnths of our marriage. wven i broke my parents heart. i would not say that they are still happy with my decisoon but atleast they are satisfied that i am happy. but now i have got some probs.may be smone can help. its becoming a major prob in our relation that even i have started doscriminting his caste. attimes i comment about his community in anger .. bur later repent on that n say sorry.. but thos insect is not going frm my head that the person ehom i have got married is sc. i want to throw this out and its not at all goo for my future with him. please suggest what to do??

        thanks

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    • Anyone can have a child n call themselves “a parent”.A real parent is someone who puts that child above their own selfish needs and wants..

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  6. I honestly don’t know what is it your goin through… but I believe everything happens for a reason! 🙂 Stay srong and believes, if it’s God’s will, against all odds, it will happen! Have a nice day! 🙂

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  7. As a person who comes from a culture where we are free to choose who we marry I cannot understand why other people can choose the person we’ll spend the rest of our lives with. But I’m not judging. It just is…. and good luck. I hope you won’t get hurt when you see the man you like with another woman. because I would, if I were in your shoes. You’re brave .

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      • I don’t understand, Why people behind of this caste. People scared from Society. What the hell is this society man. Society never help you for anything except making fun of people. When we are going to doctors that time we dont think its Brahamin, OBC SC/ST. When we go to hotel that time why we dont think who is serving food and bla bla…. When it comes to marriage then they ill think We are high caste u r SC/ST. If High caste people will marry with other caste people then their parents will not go to Heaven neither will get shanti after death. Kisne dekha hai jakar yaar marne ke baad kon kaha jata hai. Log kehte hai Bade Bade granth mai likha hai aisa karna paap hai………All these are Bullshit. Where it is mentioned yaar. Its not mentioned nowhere, just mentioned in people mind. Why people don’t want to change. They wont change then how society will change.

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    • Being a good person doesn’t depend own your religion, your race and your skin color or your culture..its depend on how good your HEART and how good you treat others….

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  8. A touching story! I hope your path is leading you on the right path and in the end you get the best what you deserve! I wish you all the luck. Here in Pakistan, this ritual also exists so I can tell what you’re going through..

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  9. I was not brave. I listened to my mother and left the only soul mate I ever had in my life. I did not smile for over ten years after that. I still hear his voice, I still see his eyes, I still cry at night, I still miss him. I stopped talking to my mum – we are too different and have nothing to say to each other. She cares only about material things which mean nothing to me. She cares only about beauty of her body – I care more about the beauty of people’s souls. Unfortunately, I did not realise then that we are so different with my mum and did not go my way with my only soul mate… You are free to choose but remember – you are not free from the consequences of your choice. And sometimes it is very hard to make the right choice…

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    • its really sad to know about you… life is hard…and in the course of living we have to make tough choices…sometimes its not about what we want but it about what we get… we just dont have any choice..

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      • Family, culture and traditions sometimes do not give any choice, apart from the choice of choosing your own way and breaking up from them. And that’s one of the hardest choices in life – the choice that can break your life no matter what you choose…

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      • sometimes i feel we have to pay back in the form of sacrifices to thank them that they brought us into this world.. i dont see any reason to divide people on the basis of culture and traditions…

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      • What about caste system? Does not it divide people on the basis of culture and traditions?

        As for the ‘sacrifices’ to the parents, I’m a mother now with three lovely children. I can tell you as a mother that I would never want to see my children sacrificing their lives and happiness to ‘please’ me or my ‘culture’. Would not it be heart-breaking for any mother to see her child being unhappy?

        If your family loves you, they surely would like you to be happy. They might not be able to understand you yet as they might not have enough life experience to realise, that there are plenty of people on our planet who live without caste system and pre-arranged marriages and have very happy families build on understanding, love and respect. May be, you could find a way of slowly showing our family how people live in other cultures and how in different cultures people can have happy loving families? May be, you could help your family to understand different perspectives and views on family, love, relationships between people? May be, then it will be easier for them to understand you and accept your choice?
        .

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      • you wont do that to your kids because you have suffered from it…i wont do it either… its the difference in generations may be… no one of the younger generations of my family would do it to their kids..(hope so) and as for our parents and the current social system there is no way we can change it…these customs are so engraved in the society no can ever think of changing it.. family comes before your love.. its always the same case.. and its not just caste, religion etc.. some parents here are even not fine with the idea of their kids falling in love..if anyone does that he has wronged his/her upbringing..its a tough life here if you fall in love..

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  10. well those words were direct from my heart…sometimes i feel being born a brahmin is a curse for me..
    love is the only thing which can help us demolish such misconceptions in the society.. i hope you succeed in making things better and prove that love is above all religions, castes and races. as for me, i can only write about people in love, i’ll keep working towards exposing these ill practices in our society by my writing…my love is gone, starting from the caste differences our own differences crept in..well leave that… i wish you to have a happy ending…just be determined and hope for the best… 🙂

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  11. Hey, glad to have had you at my space. 🙂
    I am apalled at this post. I admit you have made a brave choice. I am very very saddened at the attitude of your parents, which basically defines the attitude of 70% of the Indian population, which thinks they own their kids’ lives and should have a say in something as big as a life-changing decision of choosing a partner.
    Anything could happen – your sister was lucky that she found a good guy.. it could have been a anyone, a womaniser, a drunkard, a cheat, an abuser… anyone. Parents dont realise that these things are realities and that by forcing their daughters to marry their so-called choices, they are actually pushing them into hell on earth.
    End of day, marrying a stranger is a big gamble that ‘good girls’ play with their lives – some win, some lose. Lose badly.
    Passing on my strength to you
    Take care
    Punam

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    • that’s the real indian society… sometimes i do feel, we have no right over our lives…but at the end of the day they are our parents… what else can we do…?
      thank you for your wishes… 🙂

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  12. Wow!!! You know I totally related with you. I’m a Brahmin and fell in love with a Brahmin luckily…
    My parents are reasonably open but if I fell in love with someone who wasn’t of the same caste I don’t know if the would’ve willingly accepted who I fell in love with.

    But I know that my boyfriend’s parents are still very conservative and they might not even accept me cos I’m another sub-sect of Brahmin. Beat that. He might fight and say well, she’s at least brahmin. But it’s just so regressive that in today’s day and age falling in love is considered paap.

    Sometimes I do agree that people who have large cultural differences may have difficulty in making their relationship work. But it’s a decision that those two individuals take, to either make it work or not. And it’s your life and you should choose who to live it with.

    I wouldn’t go against my parents if they put their foot down but I would tell them that they have to live with the guilt of me not living my life happily forever and I don’t know if they would like to live with that.

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    • Ya i know these sub-sects..god.. you know my own brother’s arranged marriage turned into an almost love marriage because of these sub sects when my dad came to know that the girl is from a different sect.But as they had already fixed the marriage,my bro declared he wont marry anyone else now.
      falling in love is indeed a paap and its just not yours or mine case, its with everyone out there. i’ve started a whole new series of falling in love in india, mine was the first story. i agree with you, if the relationship doesnt work it’ll be their own decision, who says arranged marriages are perfect. It should definitely be our own choice.
      Even i thought the same, i woudnt have go against them, yes i would have tried but if they woudnt have agreed, i would have told them the same things as you said.

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  13. I dont know what to say for what is happening in your life. But you’re not alone in this journey. Many have done this before, many are doing this now. I’m sure you’ll find peace with whomever you’ll spend the rest of your life. Coincidentally just before I read your post I happened to come across this beautiful shayari written by someone like you (& me)! Just sharing it with you!
    /————————-
    Lipat kar apni tanhai se
    jagta rehta hun main
    Tamaam raat teri yaad
    mujhey soney nahi deti
    Teri koi masoom si shararat
    jab bhi ati hai yaad
    Udaas toh kar jati hai
    magar rooney nahi deti
    Log kehtey hain bhool kar usay
    nai zindgi shuru kar
    Woh rooh per qabiz hai
    mujhey kisi aur ka honay nahi deti!
    /—————————–

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    • Yes, i am not alone in this journey. There are so many people out there who give up there everything to get their love but this society and our culture come in their way. i just wrote this story to familiarize the world out here with this reality.
      thank you for sharing such a great shayari here.
      Aisi hi halat mai aaj mai bhi hun,
      yaadon se ghiri hui,
      sochti hui ki kash hum sath hote,
      par sach to yhi hai ki ab wo mumkin nhi.

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  14. Just my thoughts.. !!!
    First thing is,
    There is nothing to be born in some caste..Thats not your fault.. Thats not ur parents fault either.. Its just the society… Its in every other caste in India…Its in every family.. Specially for Girls..Have they ever explained why love marriages are a failue?? Just try to know what they think on their Part.. Prove them you can live with UR CHOICE.. I dont know how.. but prove them..!!! Two reasons they would think about is Society.. and FEAR.. fear that it might end up in vain… and of course with some parents.. EGO…
    Its jus how much you both(You and Your A) need this.. Be a warrior.. Try till the last moment.. I dont know if u know Tamizh.. There is a saying.. ‘Adikka Adikka Ammiyum Nagarum’.. To say that, If u try harder and harder, u can even move a Rock.. But it takes TIME..
    BELIEVE.. That makes a difference.. Try to explain them.. Search for other ways to explain them.. I would never say there is a fault on ur side or theirs.. Its the way we are brought up.. Its the way they are brought up..!!.Nobody needs to make any sacrifice..Its just that they need to know What u REALLY WANT IN UR LIFE..
    BE PATIENT.. Ur parents may yell at you.. they will for sure try all the ways to stop you from what you believe and try to reroute you to what they believe.. Every other way possible.. be calm.. composed.. i know its hard..but you got to work your ways out..
    Life is full of ups and downs buddy.. We got to move forward.. Its the choices we make at any point of time… except our birth.. gets us anywhere.. search for some ideas.. Try some jobs in some other location.. Sometimes separation for a temporary time brings some change..
    Jus think about the moment your parents say OK to ur proposal.. Work towards it.. Play mind games.. but a decent one.. Grab UR CHOICE.. Believe in what you have CHOSEN..If you believe in what you have chosen.. work towards it.. There should be no sacrifices in life.. There will be regrets if sacrifices are made…You HAVE TO tackle the situation so that no one sacrifices anything and no one regrets for it.. YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD..!!!
    If you want it, GO GET IT..!!!!..
    ALL IS WELL..

    Like

    • first of all i would like to thank for taking out time to express your views here. Well, as for my story, i wrote this a long time ago, and i shared it here now as i started a blog. I would have tried my best if only my relationship had worked. the thing is i am too indebted to my mom for bringing me into this world. I was a girl you know, no one wanted me. but then because of her, i survived. This was the reason i wrote that i dont want to kill my parents for my love, but still i would have tried. Its the way they are, i dont think my mom would have stopped me anyways if not for the society. as for my dad he would die of shame. i know that.that’s the way the society is. I’ve seen people struggling for thier love, to give up their lives but in vain. I wrote this one for those people who still love each other but cant be together because of the society. I’ve many friends who are in the same situation. I just wrote it from my perspective. As for me, it didnt work out, starting from our cultural differences our own differences became too large to resolve. I just wanted to bring out this situation in front of the world.

      Like

  15. Dear mona, You freaked me out. You know why? I’m in love with a girl from other cast…:-) but yet to face the consequences..B-)
    I’m new to this world of blogging. Just started to blog 5 days back. Now i’m addicted to blogs. I’m lucky that accidentaly i stopped by your blog ( because of the name psudomonaz!) read few poems. You know what i’ve my final internal exams tomorrow but i’m too busy in exploring your blog..B-). I’m enjoying..:-) regarding the post i’m not much matured to comment on that.:-)

    Like

    • I’ll just say be prepared for it. You dont know what trouble you are in. Well just believe in yourself and u’ll get through it.
      thank you for reading my blog. I checked out your blog, a great start there. by the way, study for your exams. you can read the blog any other day, its not going anywhere.
      all the best for your exams.. 🙂

      Like

  16. Sorry to say but I see an extremely pessimistic attitude in you and worse you are trying to justify your act of ‘giving up or sacrificing’ your love that you have done a great thing and want others to applaud you. And also, I do not understand when u think falling in love is ‘paap’ and you feel you have turned a bad girl after doing it…why do it in the first place?? Pls dont gimme this that it happens…maybe yes you liked the guy when you first met him, but you could refrain from taking it ahead when you know that your parents wouldn’t approve of it right??

    Anyway, all I can say is, if you have/had the guts to hold up your love nothing in the world can stop you. And just FYI…no one gives up life so easily, everyone loves to live, so please get over your pessimism if you can.

    Like

    • Pyar zindagi hai.. right?? Meri bhi thi. This was me, before i fell in love. I didnt say falling in love is paap, i wanted to tell what people think of it. the society i live in, never approve of love. If you are not aware of this fact, then i dont think u know about the true india.By the way i wrote this a while ago when i was in love. I would have tried for my love, but not against my parents. Its them who brought me into this world. i dont want people to applaud me, i already said i am not a strong girl and i can never be an example for people who fight for their love. and FYI i am not the only one who’s doing this, i think you’ve not met people like me before who have to do some sacrifices in life. its not pessimism its reality.
      I tried hard not to fall in love. Actually we didnt even know we were in love, we were never a declared in love couple. We were friends who wanted to spend their life together. but, the reality was different from what we thought. We dont do love you know? Its not something we do. We always say we fall in love. well if you dont agree, its fine. I was stupid, i didnt think about doing love in the first place. sorry.
      I have guts to fight for my love but not at the cost of my mom. and sorry if i disappoint you. I am no where justifying my act of giving up my love. This is the reality. I never asked people to follow my ideals. This was entirely my choice.
      Yes, i am pessimistic. But that’s what you are supposed to be when you have a paralysed mom at home who actually fought at your birth to keep you alive as you were a girl. there are some places (many actually) where girls dont have a right to live. I might not have a right to choose the guy i love, but i do have a right to not choose anyone and that’s what i’ll do, if the situation arises.
      I am not giving up on life, i am just giving up on love. What is life without any sacrifice. Love is just not a bed of roses you know.
      By the way i wrote one more story on that, you can check it out you know, as you can criticize me more.
      https://pseudomonaz.wordpress.com/2012/09/30/another-love-story-from-two-states/

      By the way, you can check out these cases too:

      http://in.news.yahoo.com/video/national-22564751/khap-panchayat-threatens-love-couples-to-leave-the-village-29991559.html
      http://www.indianexpress.com/news/panchayat-bans-love-marriage-bars-women-below-40-from-shopping/973963
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manoj-Babli_honour_killing_case
      http://www.anindianmuslim.com/2007/09/rizwanurs-death-tragic-hindu-muslim.html

      have a good day. Bus pyar hi zindagi nhi hai. Kisi ke liye zindagi kurbaan krna bhi pyaar hai!

      Like

  17. @mona.. Ya i’m prepared for that. Few months back i told this matter to my family thinking that i should not hide anything from them. Everything went wrong and my father has told my mother that he is not my son anymore :-(. Though I’m a boy my condition is not different from your’s. I cant even imagine what was your condition when you took such a hard decision of your life. Personally i feel you took good decision. (i know even my girl is gonna do the same if i wont act in a right way. I can understand her situation. Its me who has to up all the responsibility. When i cant give her a decent life and the security she needs definitely she’s gonna leave. I cant blame her for that isn’t it? ) I’m not gonna give up at any cost in this matter:-) thanks for your advice..

    Like

    • Well i can totally understand your position.. i know its tough for guys too but they atleast get a chance. Moms agree most of the times. Fathers are always difficult to convince. It has been the case with most of my friends.
      dont loose hope. I would have fought for it too… dont leave it without giving it a try. I am happy that you told them now itself, its better to start reminding them, giving them indirect indications.
      yes, its great if the guy understands his responsibility. if you are with her, she’s definitively gonna give it a try.
      all the best to u and your girl… I wish you both a great life ahead. Make this world a beautiful place. 🙂

      Like

  18. WOW…this is unbelievable! I am sailing the same boat and my guy is an A too 😉
    Its just so great to know that someone out there is in the same situation! I mean this could had easily been my post! Just that now my parents know and its just a nightmare! I have heard the most cliched dialogues and its unbelievable how parents suddenly become narrow minded when it comes to their daughter…as long as its someone else’s daughter we live in a modern society…
    The problem is not the parents….the problem is that our society as a whole is hypocritical!
    I do not want to disrespect anyone but that is my opinion and unfortunately the ugly truth!

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    • All I can say is that hold on to your relationship till the time you truly love him and dont let the society overshadow your opinions, decisions and more importantly feelings!
      I held on and i intend to do so…if we can survive a long distance for 2 years i am sure we can endure other hurdles too and i truly believe so can you!
      So just be strong and face the music with a bright and loving future in mind 🙂

      Like

      • foe the time being we have broken up, i dont know for how long though… but yes if we are meant to be together we will… may be after a lot more fights within ourselves or with the society..
        mine is a long distance too… a little more then 2 years…
        Lets see where this way takes us…

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    • haha.. this is a story of many people out here… its our new generation..
      i agree with you,its just not our parents but our society as a whole, which is creating a hurdle in the path of love. Hypocrisy exist in indian roots.. that’s the way our society is.My parenst doesnt know, not yet..but yes, most of my other family members know about it(kind off) and they understand me in some ways… but i know my parents would never agree for this…
      well, all the best to you with your A.. 🙂

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  19. Well, you know… Love is divine, no doubt, but sometime nothing is greater than the one who gave you your life, Particularly your Mother (in case you are Boy) and Father, In case you are a girl child.
    Sometime we have to compromise with life and learn to live with it. It sounds a bit conservative but That’s what I may be. 🙂
    Now It’s no body’s fault which caste, which religion is one born in and which religion or which caste one wanna live.
    But again, Destiny never goes along with the plans.
    Stay strong whoever you are or whoever you are writing for 😀
    g2g ! I got to make some outburst for this mallaya fellow. see ya

    Like

    • Well i agree with you.. but not with that thing you know, son to mom and daughter to dad.. i am close to my mom, and if i’ll take this decision it’ll be for my mom.
      Life is about compromises.. yes, it is. Thanks 🙂

      Like

  20. I picked this up from Rajiv at Krazy Memoirs. I can only imagne the pain you must be going through inside. Taking the decision you have, though, it seems to me that you are still in some sort of control of what happens and even though some of the issues around you are not of your making you are at least maintaining some control. I wish you the best of luck and hope that it all works out and that a love forsaken will return someway in a love strengthened.

    Like

  21. From reading all of the comments above, there are many who feel the way you do and also are in the same situation. We are all taught to honor our fathers and mothers, but love has a life of its own. My heart bleeds for you that you cannot choose for yourself without ramifications. I let God make the choice for me, and it was love at first sight. But it seems you will have a very unhappy existence with whichever option you choose. It seems the only way to escape the situation is you both have to disappear to another part of the world but that would cause you unhappiness also. You are young, pray to God and ask him to choose for you, but through the minds of your parents. That is possible with faith, and a true happiness may come you way through that prayer! Because God can control thoughts and hearts, ask him to intercede, it probably will not be the one you love now, but it can be a blessing. Take it one step at a time and do not rush with which ever path you decide to take. Much love to you my sister…i will pray for you also!

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  22. I am in the exact situation that u were…im a so called brahmin and the one i love is from a lower caste..ive told my parents bout him and they are not happy bout it..n he told his brother bout me..his brother said tht his parents wud throw him out if he told them bout me…ive been with him for nearly 5 years now..i dont know if ill be able to live without him..just dont know wht to do.. 😦

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  23. Pingback: Things I Wish To Do Before The World Ends | PSEUDOMONAZ

  24. Pingback: Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage???? | PSEUDOMONAZ

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  26. mine is also the same problem… i am in love with a st boy. and i am a brahmin girl.. my family wont allow him to marry me. but i don’t want to leave him… i love him very much.

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  27. Crying 😦 But don’t lose hope. You’re still very young, and there’s still time. At the end of the day, your parents just wan to see you happy, and if they see that he’s the one to bring you happiness, so be it. Right? 🙂

    Like

  28. I was in your exact same position 8 years ago .Now i am 30 years old and i am still fighting . Even though my parents agreed now to marry him .My parents are not arranging the wedding nor will they attend the wedding . The boys family are so affectionate to me and they are arranging the wedding . Just feels like an orphan being abandoned by my parents and getting treated like untouchables by my own sister (sorry not to offend anyone).I am now going forward with the wedding but the emptiness will always remain the heart. I know i can never see my parents or any of my cousins in my side when the wedding happens.

    I just want to pray to god that he directs you to make right decision at the right time.

    Like

    • And i hope it all goes good with you. Parents will also not stay out of touch for so long. After all you are her daughter.. they should be soon accepting this see you happy in future.

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    • A man is great by deeds, not by birth..If you are true n know you are not doing any wrong thing then why you are sad God are always with you okh…my best wishes are with you n god give you alot of happiness from that guy n give you cute kids..

      Like

    • GOOD PARENTS SAYS DO ONLY ARRANGED MARRIAGE,
      BETTER PARENTS SAYS DO WHATEVER U LIKE,
      BUT BEST PARENTS SAYS .. SON YOU DO LOVE WE WILL TURN YOUR LOVE MARRIAGE ITNO ARRANGE BY ACCEPTING IT…

      Like

    • Hi, ‘m very sorry to hear about you, I can see how hard it is. We are in the same situation exactly what you are, after years of convincing, my girl’s family said they accept since no other go, but they will not make marriage. We started arranging marriage, fortunately now their parents are accepted to show up their presence as a guest. At least we are happy with that.

      I wish you all the best and good luck for your life. Let you live well and your parents come to you.

      Like

    • How did you find the strength and courage to do so?? I am in the same situation. The guys family is ready to accept me even without my family support. I am totally scared. I come from a very orthodox family and conservative marwardi jain family. the guy is from low caste and not a marwadi. I was so sure of the guy and giving up everything for him but when i see my parents suffer, all the shame and humiliation they go through in my family is making me weak. I dont know what to do?

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  29. Hindu culture has degraded to the worst extent and is still drilling down further and further. My family follows Hindu tradition and I am also undergoing some similar sort of problem. The girl i love.. i can say for her is that she is what i would be if i was to be a girl… perfect for me. So am i for her, as per her words. I can die for her. Her family is toooo much of orthodox. They hate the love marriage. They say that they love their daughter very much and at the same time threaten her that they would kill ME if she continues with me. Whenever there has been any kind of need, i have helped her and her family…. they know it too… but as soon as they recover, they stat singing the same song against me. It has been almost a year, the girl first reduced calling me… followed by reduced messaging… followed by not receiving my calls… and now she responds occasionally to my calls and messages.

    I know, somewhere down within me… i accepted her as my wife from day first. She knows that i have politely said no to many and yet silently loved her only… We got committed. I am still fulfilling my promise. I know she loves me too, but she is losing because of the strong words of his hollow family members. I am weak when it comes to her. I just cry… a lot. Think of her… all the time.

    I have suffered a lot… a lot. Sometimes i wish to take hard steps against her family… but i stop, because its not in my nature. I wish if she could feel my feelings. I don’t know what to do. All I am trying now is to not deviate my strength and mind in the negative direction.

    May Supreme propel me and people like me on the righteous path.

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  30. We always talk about religion and castesim but in reality there is no any caste and religion. We all are same our blood are same.then why we believe in discrimination. God never created any caste they made simple human being.. Mentally sick people take the path of fundamentalism and spread casteism and communism. They suffer from inferiority complex and divide the society into “we” and “they”. They (belonging either to higher or lower ranked caste) have a fear in their heart that if they do not get a higher place for themselves in society, “other” people are going to exploit them and going to put them down.They don’t have believe on themselves and their own work. They have doubt own their capability. People with negative mindset suffer from inferiority complex and divide society into compartments like higher castes or lower castes.and can’t tolerate “others” progress or well-being. They cannot work hard and cannot tolerate anybody else’s achievements. These are the people with negative mindset who believe in ranking some belonging to higher castes and/or some to lower castes. They are coward and they are unable to protect themselves…

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  31. Inter caste marriage should be encourage..bcoz if people take this step then castesim and religion based discrimination should be stop itself..we all are human being..God never created any caste and religion..even God dnt has any caste and religion…did you know that God belong to which caste and religion..then keep shut your mouth about this stupid varan system and caste system okh.. In ancient times, caste system had the seeds of liberalism. It provided the right and opportunity to get to the top from the humblest origin and earn the respect of the whole society. For example, Vashishtha, the principal of the conservative school of Brahmanism, was the son of Uravshi, a prostitute. Vishwamitra, the maker of the very Gayatri Mantra, the quintessence of the Vedic Brahmanism, was a Kshatriya. Aitreya, after whom the sacramental part of Rig-Veda is named as Aitreya Brahamana, was the son from a non-Aryan wife of a Brahman sage. Vyasa of Mahabharata fame was the son of a fish-woman and he was not ashamed of his origin. Balmiki, an untouchable according to present standards, the original author of Ramayana, is highly respected all over India..And only you can make it good or bad this inter caste marriage. Depends upon how much importance u give to these meaningless and stupid values. And how much importance u give to other people who value these meaningless things. U have to see how much u urself r attached to other people opinions. And since u r asking for opinion, it means u r attached to these meaningless things.

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    • Hi Cutie,

      I am impressed with your thought and research on facts 🙂 i am not sure whether to bring change in our society or not but atleast fight for our love come what may. If you truly think that this is person who makes me complete,go for it ans fight like did. I am married to sc guy and its been few months. We had relationship of 3 years. An d is turned out to be a very kind and loving. He is fair with me and my in laws are simple , and kind too. They dont tend to harm anyone`s sentiments like a `typical`inlaws. But my inlaws and my family is having a major diffrence in class. The problem is ..it sometimes hurts me and my family judge them alot. And they taunt about them at back. I feel awkward of wht they and my relatives think. Sorry to say but slowly its affectin my relation with my husband and i have also started having that discriminative feeling seeing my own family n comments they make.today also we fought when i commented on his caste .. and i came accross this blog so that i can share my story too.

      Thnks

      Like

      • Thanks vishu,i dont believe in caste n religion first we are true human being n in this world we here to help others who need our help n spread love to all over not spread hate all over…then how we can live on this world…we have to think about it when we are going to discriminate someone for their caste n class n work..
        Being a good person doesn’t depend own your religion, your race and your skin color or your culture..its depend on how good your HEART and how good you treat others….

        Like

      • Anyone can have a child n call themselves “a parent”.A real parent is someone who puts that child above their own selfish needs and wants..

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      • When someone is NASTY or TREATS you poorly..don’t take it personally..it says nothing about you but everything about them..

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  32. Family is not always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. the ones who can see you smile and who love you no matter what..

    Like

  33. GOOD PARENTS SAYS DO ONLY ARRANGED MARRIAGE,
    BETTER PARENTS SAYS DO WHATEVER U LIKE,
    BUT BEST PARENTS SAYS .. SON YOU DO LOVE WE WILL TURN YOUR LOVE MARRIAGE ITNO ARRANGE BY ACCEPTING IT…

    Like

  34. What steps can be taken to convince the people to accept the inter-caste marriages trend?
    It is the responsibility of the younger generation to make their elders realize that the rigid caste system is morbid and has a dark future ahead. The youngsters can take various steps on their part to demolish this system:
    • The girl or boy should be introduced as a friend to the family and be allowed to earn their love and respect
    • The qualities of the person you love should be highlighted in front of the family members
    • Try and learn the customs of each other’s caste. This will enable you to earn the love of the family members
    • Try and show your family members how this kind of systems are obstructing the progress of the nation

    Like

  35. Gone are the days when marriages were executed by parents; The times when a Punjabi marrying a Punjabi or a Bengali marrying a Bengali was the norm. Welcome to 2013 where inter-caste marriages are quickly becoming the season’s flavors and why shouldn’t they? Everyone knows that India is a diverse land that boasts of being a mother to different cultures. But what’s the point of having so many different cultures when people snarl at the very thought of their integration?
    There is something new to learn in different cultures and we, as Indians should feel proud of having such a strong and traditional backbone with us.
    But when some of these people get offended at the thought of their son/daughter marrying into a different caste, a sense of anger sweeps me.
    What is the problem in a South Indian marrying a Punjabi or vice-versa? Why do educated people talk like uneducated pigs when their family member steps out of his/her caste for marriage? Why do people have to be such haters?
    In my opinion, an inter caste marriage should be applauded by one and all as the amalgamation of different cultures will put an end to mindless racism and discrimination on the basis of caste in our exotic land. Wouldn’t you want your next generation to be more peace loving and more socially acceptable to different kinds of people in the world? So, are you ready to take the plunge and applaud inter-caste marriages?

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  36. Hindu (body) four community: brahmin (head) kshatriya (arm) vaishya (belly) shudra (feet) All these four community called as hindu. We all are parts of one body. Without each part our body is not complete. If we lost one part of our body then we become handicap. The human body is the entire structure of a human being. Human Body is considered so loving that God even wants to have it. Spiritual Yogis have found that after going through the 84 millions species this souls get the most dignified human body. So it is the last step to explore the God or to get the view of almighty father god. We know that the soul never dies it takes birth again and again just like as we take new clothes to wear the soul as it takes new body and it is an infinite process. But the body what we get in next birth depend on our karma that has been cited in Gita by Lord Krishna to Arjuna. We all here to perform our duties. Our action makes our destiny and nothing else. The result is in the hand of supreme power. Karma is the seed of plant and if the seed is genuine it must be fruitful.

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  37. Many a time, man has taken birth in high caste and low caste; but this does not make him great or low Having been born in high caste man thinks himself to be great and being born in low caste thinks himself to be low and pitiable; both of these states of mind are wrong because many times man has been born in high and low castes. Hence, one should not be proud of having been born in high caste and not feel low if born in low caste family.
    Greatness has nothing to do with high caste. Man becomes great because of his noble work, exemplary character and becomes loathsome because of his immorality and evil conduct. Thus, it is his conduct only that decides his greatness or lowliness. Who does not know that high family born Ravana, Kansa, Duryodhana and others are censurable; whereas Metarya muni, Harikeshi muni and others, though born in low family, are venerable.
    Then, what is the importance of high or low caste?

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  38. Hindu religion devided into four community..but again I m saying to all stupid people who living in india..caste and community only created by mentally sick people and who follow them they have something problem in their mind.four community name are Brahmin, kshatriya,vaishya,shurda. And its surprising we all India dnt know the exactly meaning of these four words..let me explain to you..brahmin means not that who born in high class..koi janam se uncha or nicha nhi hota hai.brahmin mean jo god ko janta hai usko apne samne dekha ho jisse brahma ka pata ho or apne acche karam se jana jaye na ki apni jaat se..agr Brahmin hone pr insaan ke karam gandhe hai toh who insaan ashudh mana jata hai who pavitr aatma nhi hoti hai…Kshatriya ka matlb hota hai weh yodha jo mantvta ki raksha hetu apne angg angg ko katva de..samksh praniyon ki raksha ke liye apni jaan kurbaan kr de or apne karam pr ghamand na dikhaye..Vaishya who hote hai jo apne kaam mein emaan dikhaye koi chori chakari na kre..apne kaam ko galat tareeqe se na kre..emaan (mehnat) ki kamai ko khaye haraam ki kamai ko haath na lagaye..Shudra ka matlb hota hai shudh or pavitr aatma….jis bande ke ander koi moh, maya, krodh or ahnkaar tak nhi hai jiska aacharn shudh ho or karam shudh ho wohi sacha shudra hai..jo apne karam par purn vishwaas rakhe…jiske karam ache nhi man mein ahnkaar hai who shudra nhi mana ja sakta hai..agr tum log shudra ko pero ka sathaan dete ko toh or unhe neecha mante ho toh kanjke pujna bandh kr do unke peron (feet) ko dohna unki puja krna bandh kr do..kisi devi devta ke mandir ja kr natmastak na ho or apne mata pita ke peron ko choo ke ashiwadh lena bandh kr do..

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  39. Whenever someone’s ask you about your caste then your answer should be to them is:
    I am a Brahmin in knowledge
    I am kshatriya in valor
    I am vaishya in business
    I m shudra in service
    In the end I am just sanatam dharmi hindu and nothing else..Then say you proud to be a hindu..

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  40. All human-beings are equal in the eyes of God.The human-beings have only created the caste system.There are good and bad people in both high caste as well as low caste.
    Ultimately,what matters to God is, whether one is a good person or striving to become one, or not.

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  41. One who thinks himself to be of a high caste is actually low. While one who thinks himself/herself to be of low caste is said to be high caste.As per the scriptures, people are known by their nature and the quality of work they perform..

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  42. Whole world think that India has many castes which are main reason of discrimination of people but its very very big misconception of caste system spread around the world to defame culture of India because it was the biggest systematically designed system for people from thousands of years. Now let me tell you what is meaning of varna and caste system in India and how its was started. In Ancient India there were two great saints, one was saint Bhrigu and other was saint Bhardwaj. They met to discuss how to structure a stable society for human being to live proper life, First they recognized the four sources which are:
    1. Knowledge 2. Weapons 3. Wealth 4. Land
    They decided to make system where nobody has more than one of that. These should not be in one hand, not even two should be in one hand. So those who has knowledge will not have wealth, will not have weapons and will not have lands. Those who will have weapons will rule the country but they will not make policy. They need to go to people having knowledge to seek their permission and advice. Those who are having wealth, their social status will be decided by the how much philanthropy they do not by their wealth. Those who has lands have to produce for the society. In fact none of these four category or “varna” was based on by birth.

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  43. Hey, I don’t know why I’m reading this exactly on this day!

    Its last night we made the decision, and we decided to get married (I want to write a smiley here, but not in such mood.) I can still here how she was weeping the whole night over phone on the pain she had with the conversation with their family.

    I am an guy from SC community from a Metro and my girl is from Gownder (Which is said to be the high caste in Southern part of India). I never know this system is so hard, not even once I felt down. Not even once people saw me down, there are people who know me as an inspiration for many aspects. But it’s totally upside down in her place. They not even had concern to know who I am, my education, my work, earnings, living etc, they are least bothered about these things, first comes the CASTE! They are ready to marry her to a beggar from the same caste but not for me (The dialog may be cinematic, but that is what exactly they say and mean). In all means we live a far far better life than them, but they look us like a creature simple because of the caste!

    We said our love 3 years ago in our homes, my parents got convinced after sometime, but there was a war in her home. but all settled slowly, I started meeting her family members and spoke with them, all seems to be going well. Her father was half minded, because he had no other go since she was so strong. But yesterday it was a total mess. they spoke with their relatives, and since they said no they said their disregards to us. After a big struggle of long conversations, they decided to visit us on the marriage day provided we give assurance that we will not claim for their property later (How could one think like their property bigger than a Life?), we already decided not to take even if they give.

    But at least im happy that they show their presence on our marriage. But the pain we went through all these years are enormous, the beautiful time to be happy is not at its best because of these problems. I see these problems everywhere in youngies of India, and its not a good sign for a better life. As a person who went around globe, I see people very happy, atleast in young ate they are free and happy in what they do, but here it is considered as a guilt, and girls get this guilt easily seeing their family. I’m not speaking so westernized, I am very much Indian cultured guy, but I see this Caste system is very unsuitable for this modern time. I believe things will change when time goes, but the pain that people are suffering is enormous.

    I see the same pain in your words what we went through, but girl, don’t loose hope, be strong. I am happy to see u said, you changed, and things around u changed in your resent post. I am happy for you. Cheers from my side. May you have a better life with your love.

    I am eager to see your positive path soon. India needs change, otherwise, wasting our time in suffering will not lead us anywhere!

    Cheers,
    Vasanth Sastri

    Like

  44. “Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world…would do this, it would change the earth.”

    Like

  45. i think i have a similar case. i belong to a brahmin family and have always been a responsible daughter. i am 27 now. i have always had strong ideals, i followed them and lived for them. when i turned 24 my parents started their search for my partner. my parents’ was a registered marriage against the will of their parents. they are related to each other. they told me stories of their love, and how they fought the society just to be together. whenever i heard their story, i had this impossible wish that i would meet my soul-mate. as time went by i started realizing that soulmates don’t exist and its all just a big fat lie. i even started changing myself for the loveless business called “arranged marriage”, until the day i met HIM.
    i connected with him instantly.we shared our numbers on the second day. he thought i was the one, and so did i. we were like mirror images of each other at so many levels. without wasting time (since both our parents were searching for suitors) we decided to ask our parents. his agreed instantly. the reaction i got from mine DEVASTATED me. my dad did’n even care to ask his qualifications. all he asked me was “WHATS HIS CASTE??” i argued with him rationally. stating all the reasons i could. all he argued was i cant do the marriage, i cannot wash the legs of a non brahmin guy(the guy i like belongs to OC, but is a non brahmin). he threw me down a guilt road, saying he did’n expect this from me(that i would like a guy!!!! u know its a sin that i like a guy!) he even went to the extent of saying that he would have married me even to a loser, had he been from my community. i didn’t give in. and then started the emotional blackmail. he faked a breakdown, until i touched his feet and promised him i wont let him down. i’m a very soft spoken person, and hate confrontations. i always put my parents needs before mine, and they just disregarded my appeal. i know for a fact that they have faced a lot of problems, and i’m their hope. but i fail to understand that these are the same parents that once challenged the society, for their love, and are now against mine.
    anyways as per my promise i tried to change my mind. i even broke it off with the guy i like.after a lot of persuasion, even he gave up. the problem now is, whenever i get a match their is a knot in my stomach, and overpowering emotions. everything inside me says “FIGHT” but like pseudomonaz, im a coward. i cant hurt a person even if they harm me. The thought of hurting my parents pulls me back, and the thought of losing someone i think is my soul-mate pushes me. i’ve been in this emotional turmoil since three months. I’m shocked that a person as strong and confident as i used to be, has thought that it would all be so easy to just end life. my parents are searching for matches, they don’t force me, but at the same time they just cant understand what it means to me to be married to someone else. i cant sell my ideals. i don’t understand why parents put the society’s opinion, before their child’s happiness. i’m realizing that my own parents that i’ve worshipped all my life have now turned detrimental to my happiness. they have turned into hypocrites.
    i don’t know why i meet him, my empty conscience was better. i’ve no faith in the current marriage system and after all why should i marry just for the sake of it. i’m independent in every possible way, and don’t need a man just for biological reasons.
    i don’t know what’s my future, but i know im gonna fight. Not for my sake, but because that is imperative.
    i want to change the way people think, and i request everyone here, to raise their voice, whenever necessary, because this caste madness should stop with our generation.

    Like

    • @ the muser speaks: I feel you are describing my feelings/emotions/thought when you say-
      “the problem now is, whenever i get a match their is a knot in my stomach, and overpowering emotions. everything inside me says “FIGHT” but like pseudomonaz, im a coward. i cant hurt a person even if they harm me. The thought of hurting my parents pulls me back, and the thought of losing someone i think is my soul-mate pushes me. i’ve been in this emotional turmoil since three months. I’m shocked that a person as strong and confident as i used to be, has thought that it would all be so easy to just end life.”

      i am through the same emotions. My parents also dont force me but do cry in front of me saying all the usual things. they have left it on me to decide. on one side i cant think of my life without the guy who is innocent in all this and have always been there for me loved and cared about me. on the other hand my parents who will be humiliated in our entire family and shamed in our community (the so called conservative and orthodox jain marwaris)

      I was better without knowing love. i wouldnt know what i was missing in my life. i could gone through the motions as expected by my family without having any thoughts of my own. life at least would have been simpler.

      Like

  46. This is so touching. And I can totally understand. You are not alone.
    I see this post is a bit old. I am now going to flip through your archives, to know more. 🙂

    Like

  47. my gf is gonna leave me, her situation is similar to you, she is Garhwali Brahmin and am not, she had the guts to tell her parents, but for em I dnt even exist as I am a bengoli, dnt have a job yet (although am doing phd, dat dosent matter to em). Now she is about to leave me as she can not go against her parents wish. I know wt u r tlkng abt as m going thru dat, and I can feel the guys helplessness… he can not even do anything as one can not chng der caste, bt one should have the courage to fyt for their love.. nd b adamant. Live wid a motto ” If not my wish, den it wont be your wish either”. Any ways.. bst of luck.. hope god gives you courage to make a decision nd live wid it..

    Like

  48. Sorry to hear about your situation. I am in similar boat too and need guidance. I am from canada and citizen there. But my parents in India. I use to live with my dad’s bro and his family and my grandma. I am Sikh jatt and my bf is khatri. They are mixed hindu punjabi as go to gurdwara and also to mandar. We were just friends and i nvr thought i would date this guy when studying as i knew he is diff caste. However, he moved to different state afterward. After he moved we start talking more and start liking each other. I told him initally i donot think it gona work as i don’t think my famiky would agree. He said that is fine when come to choosing he wonot force me i can go with parents and leave him but we will try thou so that we donot regret later. I know him from almost 6 years now and ao attached. Its been more than 2 years i told my parents about it. Mom got mad initally but said at end want my happiness. She told dad he didn’t agreed. My parents never got mad at me. Afterward my dad came to canada and he said this wedding not possible. But my mom’s side convince d my dad as they think caste doesn’t matter anymore. Then when my elder bro
    Also living in canada but in same state as my bf reacted so angrly but after sometime agreed. They both agreed to met my bf , and met him. Told him will see his parents in india. As his parents in india too. Everything was going gud but slow. My dad went to india after metting him. After 6 month of metting my bf they went to see his parents, went to his house. My parents all agreed to my wedding. Only my mom’s side knew abt it.

    I knew if they tell my grandma, it’s gona be ruined. Also i had bad relationship with my dad’s bro and i didn’t wanted to tell them. I decide d to come to india to spend some time with parents before i get married. Everyone was saying i should do shopping too.

    Another main problem was where wedding gona take place. In india no way cuz of other ppl will talk. Where my bro lives he didnot wantee too cuz he was embrassed too and didn’t wanted relatives from my state to go to his place. Most of my relatives where i live. My bro asked if i can rent a house where i live and do the wedding and he will take care of expenses. He didn’t even want my dad’s bro’s favor in that, we had no plan to tell them anything.

    I came to india and my bro told my grandma and my chacha guys. Asked them if wedding should happen at their place he will take care of expense or his place. My mom told him not to tell them he said he just want to confirm if they will support us. First my grandma guys said all fine they will book the gurdwara for wedding. 2nd day they all changed, saying its embrassing foe them how gona face relatives. My grandma called my dad and said so much bad stuff abt me to dad. Also my u ncle said so much stuff to me.

    My bro who was supporting every thing now against me. My grandma brainwashed my dad and my bro. Now aginst me. My grandma told my dad to keep me in india and get me married there. My dad said no way. But my dad, mom now aginiat my wedding. They said if i do marry they wonot able to face society. They won’t able to get out of house, they will kill themselve. I am so stuck now. Right now still i am in india

    Like

  49. Dear Pseudo Story Writer

    If you cannot change your own love life with your own decision in the above pseudo story, how you are expecting a new generation arise with your baseless facts discriminating cast and religion for such unsuccessful story?

    Be a witness for good marriage and prove yourself giving strength to new generation with positive sign for a successful marriage life without any caste difference! Don’t mourn rubbish on the website polluting internet caste virus, however, the errors in your life are not fixed by anyone else showing to world unless you give an opportunity for yourself to correct coming out of your small world along with your parents to the big world called India rather than discriminating other caste blaming the culture, society and India. Moreover, I noticed in your Pseudo story you haven’t given an attempt to make positive side for the love you have for the boy than restricting your choice. Who knows, today you refused to marry other caste guy and tomorrow the same story line repeats with your children’s & generations and where is the question for change in society now?

    ”Society did not create you, people like you create pseudo society”

    However, very well made up pseudo story.

    I have seen many couple happily married in different religions and caste.
    ”Where there is a will, there is a way” Probably, you much have got attracted not Love.

    5 mints of precious time i wasted in my life on this story!

    Like

  50. Same kind of situation but different ending.

    Iam a brahmin and he is sc guy. We both are good friends from 7 years.. 1 and half year back i decided to marry him and wanted to fight with my parents. He even told his parents and they said ok.. His parents are like supporting me. One day without informing me his parents were searching matches for him and they finalised one girl. He was not ok with it and asked me to go to my parents and convince them. He gave me 7 days time to cconvince. coz his father had a minor chest pain thinking that his son wont obey his words and marry the girl they decided. I tried to convince my parents, they left the decision for me. I cannot go against to them and maryy him. Later he decided and went off, 29th may is his marriage.

    What was wrong at me. He gave 7 days for my life. He was like iam his everything. But now he left my hand. He didnt gave time to me. Knowingly his parents made me fool. It is hurting me a lot.

    Like

  51. Pingback: Reblogged from PSEUDOMONAZ: Because I Love a Person From Another Caste | You Got My Attention!

  52. I think family, like religion, are institutions geared towards oppressing the independent spirit. You have the right to make choices based on your convictions and what is good for you, not what other people tell you is good for you (which is mainly what is good for them). In this life we have to follow our hearts and live our life not someone else’s. Inducing guilt and making you feel bad or unworthy is just another means of asserting power and control. It’s your life. Take control and ownership and it will be a fulfilled one.
    all good wishes,
    Dagmar

    Like

  53. You published this post on September 26 2012, same day one year later in the year 2013 i met someone, and its 2016 now. Times change, and so do people !

    There’s a reason i ended up here reading your post. I know whatever happened back then it was hard for you (hard is just a word, how you felt was so much worse), and at this point of time its useless to talk about this coz i know you must be long done with that episode now. (i really hope you are doing great these days, your blog seems interesting i have to check your other posts)

    There’s one thing i would like to say that only a brave girl, a strong woman can make decisions like that. And you were not not coward by doing what you did. It takes balls to take that step of going against someone whom you loved so much, giving up on your special someone for whom you cared so much and to let go of that one person just coz you think the love and respect you have for your parents is more valuable than for some random guy whom you met and fell in love with. (i think by now you might have even forgotten how bad that situation actually was). I personally feel guys really suck when it comes to situations like these, most of them are ready to go even against their parents and if given a choice they will always choose the girl they love over their own parents.
    Lol i know it sounds weird, but that’s the truth !
    😛

    I have gone through your post, even though this is a very old and situation dependent, this one line in your post really touched me “I can go against the society but not against my parents”, your parents are lucky that they have a daughter like you, even the guy Mr. A if he actually cared for you and loved you, and no matter how much he was hurt coz of you taking that decision, if he actually did understand the situation then he should be proud of you for what you’ve done for your parents, for him and for yourself. I really appreciate what you did for your parents and i hope the love and respect you have for your parents is always gonna be like this.
    Always be the same daughter for them. And yeah ! try not to get yourself in to a situation like this ever again.
    🙂

    Still it’s a shame that we are living in a society where we have to first ask for someone’s caste/religion before asking for their names, just in case if things happen and we fall in love with them (which we all know, just happens !).

    Have a wonderful life ahead !

    Cheers.
    🙂

    Like

  54. Pingback: Five Years Later ( Loving Against The Odds) | PSEUDOMONAZ

  55. Wow ! The content of your post always surprises me.

    Anyway, what can I say ? It does seem arranged marriages or marrying into your own class is deeply embedded in Indian culture. Who am I to judge on whether what you are about to do , i.e., leave the man you love, is the right thing to do. My heart goes out to you.

    Like

    • Hey… I am surprised you read this post after so many years. I wrote that a long time ago. I was 22, living with my parents and going through a rough patch in my relationship. I thought why to suffer this much for a guy who would never be accepted by my parents. I was very stupid back then. I mean I am still a bit stupid but things have changed. I have become less interested in things like marriage and my relationship has improved ( specially after it changed from a 5 year long distance relationship to living in the same city). I wrote a follow up to this post this year.. do check it out if you have time.
      https://pseudomonaz.wordpress.com/2017/07/21/five-years-later-loving-against-the-odds/

      Liked by 1 person

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