When people from Hollywood are busy falling in love with vampires and werewolves, folks here in Bollywood (read India) and not allowed falling in love with humans from different states. Although they all share the same set of 46 chromosomes ( Stephenie Meyer told us that vampires have 50 and werewolves 48), they just can’t fall in love. And if they do, that is not at all good for their lives. And I really do mean LIVES here. But before asking any questions about this, I am going to tell you a story.
So, here we go….
THE PAST
Rituparna, our Bengali bala was a 19 year old girl when she first came to Bangalore, completely unaware of how her life is going to unfold in the next four years in college. A teenager, who had never been in love before, met a guy and she fell in love with him, the day she saw him. Yes, it was love at first sight. The guy, one year senior to her was from the same state, community, caste etc and he proposed her soon enough and Rituparna was in seventh heaven when he did that. They started dating, and everything was a dream come truly for her. Just few months in the relationship and the guy started behaving strangely. He ignored her, never received her calls, and never replied to her texts and eventually he broke up with her. And when she asked him the reason for the break up, he didn’t answer. He just said that he never loved her. That’s it and nothing else. Rituparna was shattered. Her world had come crashing down on her. She did everything to save her relationship but in vain. It was her first love afterall. But nothing worked out. He just left her like that. That day and the six months after that, she was lost. She cried and cried, got drunk, never stayed in hostel, got low grades, did every single thing to hurt herself more. She was miserable, till Sameer came into her life, a classmate and a friend. He supported her, cared for her and even if he got her drunk (on her demands), he would always drop her back to hostel. There was friendship, there was understanding and most importantly there was trust in their relationship. Eventually Sameer fell in love with her (he liked her since the day he first saw her but she got to know this later) and proposed. Rituparna wasn’t ready for a relationship. She has had a bad experience. Adding to that Sameer was not Bengali. He belonged to a really affluent and conservative telugu family. There was clearly no future for the two of them. And therefore she declined. She was happy being friends. They spent a lot of time together, roaming, shopping, fighting, and studying. Sameer and Rituparna were soon a very talked about couple in college. Everyone thought they are dating when infact they were not. Slowly, Rituparna developed feelings for Sameer. She was scared of a relationship but she wanted him to be with her all the time. After almost 7 months being friends they went official with their relationship. They were in love. And from that time till today, two and a half years later they are still in love with each other. They are still friends but in love.
THE PRESENT
Rituparna and Sameer are working in two highly reputed companies in Bangalore. Sameer is also involved in his family business. Rituparna and Sameer both are twenty two. Rituparna’s parents are pressurizing her to get married as she is getting ‘so good rishtas’ now which she won’t get later. Sameer is not ready to tell the truth about their relationship to his family. If he does they’ll both be dead (yes, literally, have you heard about honour killing?). Besides, he’s just twenty two, no guy gets married at such a young age. And the telegu family is never going to accept a Bengali bahu for their ‘ghar ka chiraag’. And as Sameer is not ready to tell his parents about them, Rituparna has no other choice but to get married to a guy of her parent’s choice.
And that’s why they BROKE UP last week.
THE QUESTIONS
1. She fell in love with THE RIGHT GUY (same region) the first time, why he proved himself to be the wrong one.
2. When the guy and the girl love each other so much, what is the need for them to break up?
3. Do guys from the same state prove to be better husbands?
4. Why is maa- baap’s izzat more valuable than their child’s life?
5. Do we all belong to 28 different states or to one INDIA?
6. Can you think of a solution other than break up?
7. Is 22 really an age to get married just because she is getting good guys? Why cant she get those good guys 2 or 3 years later?
MY TAKE
The Bengali bala I talked about here is the girl with whom I’ve shared the same room for three years. She might be selfish (don’t mind haan roomy) but she loves this guy like anything. And Sameer is one of the nicest souls I’ve ever met. I can tell you I’ve never seen a more decent, caring and fun loving guy in my life. They are just perfect for each other. But the Bengali- Telegu thing is never going to take them anywhere. Don’t you think if only people are allowed to marry outside their region the hate crimes would only decrease? Don’t you think if a girl from north east was married to a guy from the south, she would have felt more secure in the last north eastern trouble in India? If a Marathi boy got married to a Bihari girl, she would never be called an outsider in Mumbai? And why is so hard for parents to accept that their so called kids who are now adults have a right to choose their life partner?
I named this post as ‘Another Love Story From Two States’ because the great Chetan Bhagat has already written a whole book over it. But alas, not everyone is as lucky and determined as Krish and his wife in ‘2 States’ or the most recent movie ‘Vicky Donor’ where a Punjabi guy marries a divorcee Bengali girl. We can all have a happy ending in movies or a novel but not in real life. In reality, many Rituparna and Sameer have to choose different paths.
It is said that more than 1000 people are killed every year in India because they marry outside their caste or religion. And these are just the reported cases. There are many others which never come into notice. You can take a glance on the cases of honour killings in India here.
By the way, do you all know what the best part in ‘2 States’ was? It was in the end when the nurse asks Krish about which state his twins would belong (as he belonged to Punjab and his wife to Tamil Nadu) and he answers her that they would belong to a state called INDIA.
Don’t we all belong to INDIA indeed? What do you think?
P.S.: I won’t mind falling for a vampire or a werewolf too. If only I was allowed to do so…
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PSEUDOMONAZ 
A wonderful and thoughtful post ! very nicely you stated the facts and then the queries that each one of us have today in their minds. The inter state differences are still there at mnay places ,but people are changing. for eg.Iam from an eastern state of india and my husband from maharashtra.guess we were lucky. I too had written a post as a tribute to honour killings that go through India.. check this… http://wp.me/s1Zs7k-avian
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hey i am so happy to know about you and your husband.. i love such successful stories..it gives us so much hope….it proves that there are actually some people who can go against the norms and prove that love is indeed more powerful than these ill practices and beliefs…. seriously cant tell you how happy i am to read this comment… 🙂
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Welcome dear 🙂
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congrats…….good to hear tht
akshay4497mane@ gma
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Inspiring post ! Liked it.
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thank you.. 🙂
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My opinion—
if you are in love, and there is some time left for you to get married, I’ll say try falling in love as much as you can and make yourself sure that you will never break up, however worse the situation maybe . First thing is that the bond between a boy and a girl should be strong. That way boy/ girl will not feel alone in convincing their family.
And Second thing is that –
Have patience. It may take some time. Never lose hope.
Am I right ?
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time is the only thing they dont have..the girls side are pressurizing her to get married and they are just 22… it may be a right time to get married for the girl but not for the guy… he cant just go to his parents like that.. and that too they belong to completely different cultures….
the bond between them is very strong but they just cant convince their families…
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still if you are in love and you really want to be with him/her … then trying is the only option.
one way is that the boy convinces his family and if they agree (ofcourse they will for sake of happiness of their child), the boy can atleast get engaged with her. and when he thinks its the right time to get married, then they should marry.
this way girls family will not have to bother a lot..
tell me whats the next problem ?
there is always a way out of any problem.
this is a matter of love and in the end true love always wins. so never give up.
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wish everything was so simple…the guys family is too conservative…he just cant tell them..if he does there could be many problems. and as for now he is not ready to let his family know…
true love always wins only in movies…even there, we find some exceptions..its real life.
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So true… well sometimes the lovers are just need to come out of the shell of the fear about their families and initiate the talking or rather “convincing parents” thing. If the lovers are clear to their conscience that whatever they are doing is right, then they have to be a bit brave to at-least try to break the shell. You must think that why am I asking the lovers, the young generations to take initiatives to change the thinking process…well…because they are young and new… we are young and new… old generations are already stagnant and still having their own prejudice and “traditional values” so we have to try to bring the change. Trying and a proper way is very essential… but if after all those…still the situation remains as it is…I’d say it’d be the decision of the lovers TOGETHER. But sometimes, it happens that one of the lovers is willing to face the situation with bravery but other is not so much brave or the situation at home for one lover is much more stickier than the other one, in that case, one lover gets dumped by the other and suffers the pain of rejection while other suffers from the guilt of dumping his/her love. So, in one word it is subjective and depends on the situation. But whatever be the outcome, the decision should be taken by both of them and for that a strong bond and true love is necessary between them. This marriage isn’t a tool of security, neither it is a compromise, nor a matter of prestige… it is simply the union of two souls and celebration of pure love.
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the younger generations surely can change the present social scene but not in their case…because parents come first today for everyone and is it so easy to give up your life to change the world? many lovers are killed if they ever try to come out of these norms, even if we dont go to such extremes, there are cases like withdrawal from the family,society, neighborhood. I’ve seen couples trying everything to get approval for marrying outside caste, religion or regions but it doesn’t work out for everyone. if the family is too conservative, you dont stand a chance. and eventually you’ve to give up. yes, the feeling of betrayal is surely there if the problem lies only with one side. but as you said the situation for one lover is more difficult. In India marriage is just not the union of two souls, its a union of two families. and if you marry against them, you are going to suffer all your life, if not physically, then emotionally. and you never know when this societal pressure starts creating problem between two people in love.
as for now, i cant see a solution to this problem…Ye ishq nhi aasaan in India..!
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yes, I truly agree with you… but lets hope and lets believe that we can… 🙂
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I’ve seen a few successes and heard of a lot more tragedies. I guess I still haven’t given up hope. But I agree that if you’re in a relationship and want to stay together, then you need to find within yourself the courage to take a stand, and find in your relationship the trust and support to fight for yourselves. Parents tend to think they know better than us, and a lot of times they do, but sometimes you need to understand and accept that they don’t. It is your life after all, and it doesn’t make sense to add regrets to it due to someone else, no matter how important a part of your life they are.
If your parents really do want the best for you, they should be supportive. If they have valid reasons to oppose the match, they should be able to express them clearly, and then allow you to choose for yourselves, and be able to accept your decision.
If not, you have your education- it’s all you need to be independent. Elope. It might be a struggle, but it’ll be worth it. Giving up on your relationship is just as painful, isn’t it?
Maybe I’m being a little too innocent and naive. Maybe I’m just too idealistic and hopeful. But I really do believe in fighting for your right to make your life as you want it.
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Can we give up all our relationships for a single person? It isn’t so easy.. who gave you that education which you are using today to just run away. giving up a relationship is painful but seeing your parents die because of you wont be easier. well, i am not taking the side of parents here or of the society. i am telling the questions which come into our minds before we think of going against them.
Fighting for your rights against the society might be justified but how can we fight against people who are our own? Until parents themselves understand the reasons why they are wrong, there is no solution to this problem. And i know that is pathetic but that’s a fact!
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It’s true that it isn’t easy to give up on parents who’ve been such a huge part of our lives for so many years- the very reason for our existence. But if I had to have regrets in my life, I’d rather have them for the things I did do, rather than the things I didn’t.
And ultimately, I’m looking to be happy in my life. Ideally my parents should care enough for me to want me to be happy. What’s the point of all they have done for me if I’m unhappy with it? I look up to my parents- I want them to be right. And I don’t ever want to give up on them. But ultimately I have to do what is right- for me. As for having my parents die because of me- I cannot answer that. I think I expect them to be stronger than that. It would be unfair to use their death as leverage against the rest of my life. Like my father often says- statistically, they’re more likely to die before me. So any decision I make, cannot be dependent on their existence for the rest of my life.
And it’s always hardest to fight against our own. It’s the most natural thing in the world isn’t it- to fight against those you hate? But it’s not who you’re fighting against- but what you’re fighting for, that should decide your stance.
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now this is what i call the ultimate solution to the problem.. yes its hard to fight against people you are close to…and we must decide the importance of the cause we are fighting for…i agree..but sometimes its their belief on their children which is at stake..for instance in my case if i go against them, they wont ever be able to look up in the society. they wont punish me, or think ill for me but yes they’ll question their own beliefs about where they went wrong and i am not brave enough to see them in such a situation. i dont give a damn about the society but i dont think i’ll ever be able to let them down. but yes it is there that some parents eventually agree and they become determined enough to support their kid’s decision but in my and my friends case we dont think that’ll ever happen..
btw everything you just wrote here, i am already your fan! 😉
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Hahaha.. Thank you so much. I must confess, I’m quite taken by the honesty with which you write about your life as well. 🙂
Coming back to the issue, I really don’t think there’s any substitute for communication in matters of the heart. I know a lot of parents are rather rigid about their belief systems, but that doesn’t mean you cannot talk to them about bending a few rules for your happiness. Maybe you could start slowly, without mentioning that you’re actually talking about yourselves. Just bring up the topic of intercaste marriages in general, and try to convince them that it isn’t as bad as that.
As for your friend, 22 is really quite young. No hurry to get married at all. I don’t think it’s fair to push marriage on a relationship that’s not yet ready to take that step. There’s more to a girl’s life than just getting married, you know. She should try to convince her parents that she’s not yet ready for marriage. I know how pushy parents can be- I’ve had to fend off one such rishta myself, but it is possible. Later, after she has bought herself some time, she could consider convincing them to accept Sameer.
Breaking up would be the worst thing to do in the circumstance. And honestly, even if she did marry some other guy, would she be able to commit to that relationship with her heart still elsewhere? That’s unfair to three people, and a mistake for a lifetime. It’s difficult at the moment, but it helps when you think that it’s all the remaining years of your life you’re fighting for. Assuming you live till 60 at least, that’s almost 40 years- double of what you’ve lived so far. Do you really want to hold regrets for that long?
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well this is the only place where i can be this honest… 🙂
well i’ve done that already, and i’ve discussed it so many times that my mom is sucpicious of me and in a way she knows it and keeps reminding me that dont ever do that… 😉
my friend’s parents are too keen to get her married this time, last time she cried so much and somehow convinced them but there is no chance to change their mind this time. 😦
i dont know how they are going to live as they’ve given up all their hopes. i dont think anyone other than her can answer this question..
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Whoa ! I’m amazed that this kind of stuff is even an issue in this day and age ? Is there an easy solution to this?
Anyway, CHEERS !
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sadly this is the most important issue youngsters in our country are facing these days…i cant see any solution to it as for now but yes we do have hopes of a better future…:-)
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Very thoughtful post! We might go on claiming that we are educated and liberated now but the truth remains we wouldn’t want our children marrying outside our community. Actually we are a bunch of racists!
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yes, we are. we just dont want to go against those unrealistic traditions…there might be many people out there who would have suffered from these traditions and would be again making their own kids follow the same things which ruined their life.
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well i just saw this post when i was about to say goodbye to my computer for the day..
but then, i just couldn’t go.. i had to read what was written..
i totally agree to every thing written.. Rituparna reminds me of myself..
obviously m not a Bengali, but a south Indian Brahmin..but lot of these things seem familiar…
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it doesnt depend on which state you belong to, its everywhere..i am a brahmin too, the first story on this blog was mine.. check out this…
https://pseudomonaz.wordpress.com/2012/09/26/because-i-love-a-guy-from-another-caste/
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Nice post. You kind of summarised it all. 🙂
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ya..it came out a bit too long… thank you.. 🙂
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Reblogged this on bleustokcings.
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Hi,
1st things 1st, I am not a blogger but I follow some blogs as a new habbit and just found urs and its awesome.
talking about story, I am another Sameer who is waiting for one and half year to hear Yes from a bala same as like in ur story but no drinking habit. No, she is not bengali, we both belong to same community and we are Telugu’s.
and I also come across one Bengali bala who married a Telugu guy and happily living and blogging here bigaandlittlea.com, which is one of my fav blogs including urs. 🙂
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Wish you luck with your bala. You are lucky to fall in love within your community. I hope it works out well for you. 🙂
And thank you so much for the appreciation, means a lot. Why don’t you start a blog and tell us your story? It would be great.
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Pingback: Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage???? | PSEUDOMONAZ
Pingback: Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage??? | PSEUDOMONAZ
Hell… I will give my 2 cents here. First of all, I am a Maharashtrian boy who loves a Bengali girl. I asked her out. She hasn’t reciprocated till now. I am 30. She is 26. Both of us had to endure massive break-ups in the past. Both were relationship-phobic (until I got out of that phase recently).
You somewhere mentioned that maybe this couple was not as determined as Krish and Ananya. I think that’s what it makes it. Parents are not our enemies. But they belong to a different generation and are skeptical of choices of their kids. I look at it from a different angle. It is Sameer here who broke-up. He may be a nice guy, but I believe that’s not sufficient in a relationship. Did he think of his parents reaction before committing to the girl? Did he think of societal pressure before taking that step? If not then, this is convenient love at its best. In my eyes, it is useless. I again reiterate parents are not our enemies and they ultimately accept the relationship if we take a committed stand. I know about honour killings and all. But they are rare cases in urban India. All that is necessary is trust in our own decision and good determination. Absence of this is fatalism and escapism which is ridiculous. When it comes to this case, both were well educated and had nice jobs. Sameer was good. So it was not like princess falling in love with a stray beggar. If he thinks this is not enough, then maybe this is not enough. Maybe I am too practical, but with influx of joint families, this cultural aspect is pretty well softened up. But still if one does not want to give best efforts, then maybe ‘I Love You’ was good enough on greeting cards only.
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Most of the people today start a relationship at a really young age, may be just after joining a college,if we just leave the school going students aside. !8-19 is the age when we start thinking on our own, we start looking at the world from a different perspective, and i guess we believe that we can change the world. Some of us think that our parents beliefs will change with time, we see cousins, or friends marrying with their choice and we commit to a relationship on that basis. Some of us are lucky but some aren’t. As we come to that marriageable age, we realise our parents haven’t really changed. We try knowing their views indirectly and realise that they’ll never accept our decisions. And i don’t understand the point of controlling love. Why do people ask us to avoid falling in love if its destined to never materialize? I mean do we ask people not to take birth because we all know we are going to die someday?
I am not blaming parents here. I am blaming the society. And i have seen people who did fight for their love but had to give up because of societal pressure. Its not just about honor killing. Young guys and girls are emotionally blackmailed. I’ve seen a father getting a heart attack when he came to know about his daughter’s marriage to a boy from another caste. What are you supposed to do then? Live whole life with a guilt that you were the cause of your dad’s death.
I know there are lots of people around who give this ultimate excuse of different castes, religions and regions. I personally know such people but there are people who are forced to give up their love because of these age old traditions. May of them try to win over their parents but in vain. I agree honour killing is not prevalent in urban India but parents do resort to all sort of emotional, mental blackmail. People love, not conveniently but because they fall in love effortlessly, they do have dreams of spending their lives together, but sometimes they just have to give up, for the love of their parents. And i agree parents never mean harm, if they ask us to give up our love, its because they don’t want to face awkward situations in the society. Sometimes the cultural gap do lead to conflicts, they just don’t want us to lead an unhappy life.
In india, the most common reason of break up is this caste, religion,gotra,region difference.We just can’t say that none of them really loved each other. Sacrifice is the purest form of love.
I wish you luck with your Bengali girl. I hope someday I’ll get to hear another successful ’2 states’ story. Only if we can remove these barriers from the society, India would be a better place to live in.
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This reminded me of my story….. I loved a Kashmiri muslim boy and I am a Bengali Brahmin girl. Our love didn’t succeed and we were forced to marry within our state. We are not able to stay together but we are happy because both of us know that we are alright and happy. We talk to each other frequently in facebook. Last august, i visited Srinagar to meet him, making some excuse. He will also visit me in Kolkata soon. We are not together, but we are together…….
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I am glad to know that you are still friends and that you are happy in your respective lives. Hope you stay together always…
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I totally agree with you..
Have a similar story..mine ….with a little twist…:p …but ultimately it pipes down to this weird language barrier…which is so pointless !!
Added on with that..is a professional difference….I dunno why a doctor gal has to go for a doctor guy only..and not someother profession?! When would our parebts get over this bias ????
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My brother is a doctor so I understand your situation. And frankly speaking I don’t have any answers for your question. There’s no point discussing our point with them, they never understand. They don’t even try to see our point. I may write these stories and try to make people think about it, but I don’t think it’s of any help. you are left with only two choices: either fight or give up.
I hope you find a solution to your problem. Trust me, you are not alone. There are numerous other couples who are facing the same problem. Trust your love and your heart and fight for it, if you believe it’s worth leaving everything for. I hope things get better for you soon. Best wishes. 🙂
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Ohhh same story as mine.
I am a marwari girl loving a maharashtrian guy of my age.We are together from last 6 years. 3 weeks ago I told my parents about him. I stay in hostel and yet to complete my post graduation. My parents took me home last week and house arrested me as they have a fear that I will run with him if I stay out. He has told his parents and they don’t have any problem with our relationship. Now I am very scared that my parents are looking for a marwari guy and they want me to marry as early as possible. They don’t even want me to complete my education now. I love that guy and his family a lot. His parents are very supportive. But yet my guy don’t have job as we are studying together. so his parents are not ready to talk with my parents. He is also worried about it. My parents have problem only with caste nothing else. What should I do???
I am not going to run anyway. But I cant live without the guy too. I am tying hard to convince them but no results. Don’t know how to deal with them. please help???
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I am no expert at giving advice but I’ll try. Usually when people stay with each other they feel that they are in love but the real challenge comes when they have to stand separation. So both of you must take time and decide. First of all ask your guy to get a job asap. Since the guy’s family is fine with your relationship it won’t be a problem later. Try to delay your marriage.If you have made up your mind to stay together then you should follow your heart and everything else will fall into place. Even I wont suggest you to run away. Just try to fight and win against these old age traditions. All the best. Have faith and you’ll succeed. 🙂
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Ohh thank you so much…
You have given me courage to fight against these old age traditions. I hope everything will be alright. My guy is looking for a job. And one of my uncle and aunty are on my side. I hope if they can convince my parents.
Thank you..:-)
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Well , I chanced upon this article and I just had to comment – I am from Kerala and am happily married to my college sweet heart from Shillong. Her parents were Ok with the relation, but my family wasn’t. My mother liked my girl friend , but she was concerned about how both of us would adapt to each other’s culture( and I appreciate that)…Finally I took a stand , told my family, that I am gonna get married to her , and I would like them to attend the function .They realized there is no turning back and finally gave the consent… We have been together for 8 years now (5 years of courtship and almost 3 post marriage) and so far I have not repented my decision even once…
Not to say that,we didn’t have our troubles. You fall in love with a person, you date a person , but the fact is you marry a family…There will be times when the cultural difference test your marriage..There will be unwelcome interventions to your life, from people you are least bothered about. But if the partners places each other and their bond above everything else, you will sail every tide smoothly.
Being in love and being in a marriage are different feelings and different responsibilities. Its possible that you are madly in love with a person, but in reality you are not compatible for each other. Its easy to overlook each other’s flaws and incompatibility when you interact for only a few hours day – but when it comes to a 24/7 job, its much more difficult. The critical factor is to accept your partner as he/she is and don’t try to change yourself to be his/her dream partner.
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