Jobless

I wasted the whole day. I didn’t even read a single page. I don’t know why. I couldn’t get myself to study at all. I googled random things, read them all. Took some online, ‘Am I Depressed Quiz’ (i keep doing that), searched a whole lot of blogs, read many posts, wasted some more time. I don’t know why textbooks repel me. Even though i know i’ve to read them, i just can’t. This has been a habit of mine, i can’t study until the day of exam is very near but i can’t do that now as this is an ‘ENTRANCE EXAM’ and thousands of students all over India would be studying all day and night long to get a decent seat in a decent college somehow. As for me, i am wasting my time and my mind over useless things. Everyday i get news of my classmates either joining top universities abroad or getting hefty pay packages here in India. Although i’ve deleted my facebook account and cut down almost all contacts, news like this somehow reach me. And i hate it. I am jealous and i am admitting it here. Though i hate being jealous, i just cant help it. I was like this since i was a kid. But those were the times when i took jealously in a positive way, i now take it very negatively. I get depressed. And no one understands me here. All they say it, don’t worry, if you wont get a good rank we’ll opt for a management seat. But no one understands that i don’t want to buy a seat. I want to earn it. I want to earn my long lost respect, but  (yes, this BUT is a huge problem) i cant work hard. I think about it, i plan, i even execute the plan for 2-3 days until i am on my old way again. I am just lazy and i am ruining my future because of it.

One reason for not studying is, i am not interested. I hate studying. And when i tell this to my brother, he says, everyone hates studying but still they study. I like reading though. I wish i had joined literature instead of engineering. On a positive note, i am actually learning these days.  I’ll tell you,i didn’t know this much biotechnology when i was actually in college. Its only now, that i am beginning to understand these concepts. But understanding the concepts and answering the MCQs are two different things. MCQs are tough. And the funniest part about them, they always ask MCQs from the parts i left while studying. Did i tell you i am unlucky?

Engineering was fun, and just that. The country is just producing a breed of ‘i know nothing engineers’. Some of them are rich and lucky and join foreign universities. The unlucky ones struggle in our corrupted nation. In one of the exams that i wrote, the seals of the question paper was broken. What would one expect for the results? Nothing . This is how it is.

But yes, you cant blame everyone for the life you are living. I know its my fault. I’ve to think about it seriously at least now.

For now, i can just hope that tomorrow wont be like today and I’ll read study a few 100 pages. I wish i could do that more often though as i am left with only 90 days more.

On a different note, i am missing college and my friends like anything. I am missing hostel, namma Bangalore, those carefree days when i had nothing to worry about.

Why life becomes more complicated as we grow up? Why do we have to struggle at every phase of our life? And why do i’ve this strong feeling that i am the only one in my entire class who is actually struggling? Did i make a wrong decision by not sitting for the placement interviews last year? Why something that felt so right that time, feels like a mistake now?

‘I took the road less traveled by, and it hasn’t yet made any difference’ 

 

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30 thoughts on “Jobless

  1. Road less traveled is always a challenge…that not many opt to take…..You did, and you’ll do much better…eventually!! Ofcourse there will be hardships…accept them as they come rather than try to escape them and see the difference!! 🙂
    I loved the fact where you wanted to earn your seat…than buy it, like most (intentionally or not) do! Good luck…you got a good head on your shoulders…be proud of yourself and try to beat your own self (doosron se kya ladna…woh kaun lagte hein…apne aap se lado…ye bahut kam log karsakte hein)!! 🙂

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    • i hope i’ll do justice to my decision.. thanks for your advice and your wishes.
      Khud se ladna hi to sbse kathin hai… apni hi aadton ko badlane ki koshish mai hain, dekhiye kya hota hai.

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  2. Dear don’t worry. This keeps on happening to everyone. Just stay positive. That half an hour study out of 24 hours will also give you back. They will help you in exam. If you cannot learn/grasp at the moment then it’s ok. Solve papers. The process of finding answer to questions also helps to learn new things.
    Good luck for your exams!

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  3. Well..well.. First of all stop googling about depression.. Psychiatry is such a subject that if you get to know more and more about a disorder you feel like you may be having that disorder..not only you everyone including me feels the same.. same thing applies to depression..(these are not my words.. my professor told me this)

    Life is all about ups and downs.. Dont worry.. I will tell you one thing internet itself is a big addiction.. Get out of this addiction until you finish up your exams.. You dont have other options. you need to study and you must study. Somewhere here you mentioned that this exam is so important to you and even told us that you’ll make this blog ‘a happy blog’ by clearing this exam, forgot???

    Now forget about the past. From tomorrow start studying. Whether you study or not sit infront of the books. By doing this you’ll be training your body to sit for some hours. Believe me once your body gets adjusted to this your mind will start to cooperate with your studies. This may take few days. Dont worry. Keep doing this. At the end of 3 or 4 days you’ll be alright. Once you get on to the track dont even think of taking aback. You still got 3 months. You can do wonder, provided if you work ‘smart’ not hard.

    I’ll tell you my story. This is not to praise myself but to emphasise the fact that nothing is impossible if you are determined. I was left with just 1 month for my common entrance test after my 2nd PU exams. I didnt even know what to study for that entrance test. I was disheartened when my father clearly told me that he is not in a position to pay for my coaching (my father is a farmer and those were the days of drought). I felt like nothing is left for me. But the desire inside me didnt let me to give up. I borrowed old books from my seniors and got some sort of guidance from them. I didnt crammed those books page to page but studied smartly. You know i got into medicine. From last, mine was the 3rd seat for that year. Really luck favours you only if you’ve worked very well.

    Get into your studies madam…..

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    • Ya, even my bro told me that… i was pestering him all the time saying i’ve ADHD. I know, i just pass time over internet. This is my biggest fault.
      You’ve read all my posts..haha.. ya, i wrote that happy blog thing.. i hope i’ll do that some day.
      I do spend my time in front of the books everyday. someday i study, sometimes i dont.
      Well. your story surely is inspiring. I didnt study for CET too. i was always this lazy. Congrats for your success. By the way, i lost my medical seat there, the person just one rank before me took the last seat. I can never forget that scene. i was there almost signing and then they said the seat is gone. I was unlucky i guess.
      Trying to study, everytume, lets see where all this takes me this time.

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  4. And now dont be jealous of me that i got a medical seat and you didnt.. ( just kidding you :-D)

    I was prepared to sit for one more year even before the CET results.

    “Prathi endinallu startu irthade, paramathma mado kelsa ella inthade”
    ( yograj bhat’s recent song) 😀

    keep smiling and keep studying…

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    • oh.. i am so jealous.. lucky you.. 😉
      even i thought of dropping one year, but god has other plans for me. Engineering just Happened.
      thanks for the song, would be better if you translate it. 7 years in bangalore and i didnt pick up any other language.
      thanks by the way for taking out your time and advice me.

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  5. I hope i’ll do that some day.. When??

    Well. Those are the lines of a song written by yograj bhat ( i hope u’ve seen his famous ‘mungaru male’ movie) meaning goes like this..
    ‘ at the end of everything there will be a new beginning; god does only this kind of things’

    I hope you’ll study well..

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  6. “Take the Road Less Travelled”…This was wot UST global(IT co) said in their pre placement talk in our campus.It was my first attempt and I never made it.So that sentence always rings a bell in my mind.Neways well written..
    For you to know,there are thousands of them like you who feel depressed by engineering.But things will change,u jz have to keep trying..I know its a common advice but i tell from xperience…

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  7. At some places, i laughed all loud while reading this! But, taking a path less travelled is not a guarantee others wont do good in the paths they take! But trust me, it’s a guarantee that you will do something you like! 🙂
    Chill and smile! 🙂

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