Hurt and Lonely

Sometimes I feel really alone, even if I am surrounded by people. I’ve a certain kind of sadness in my heart invisible to everyone. Its diwali time and I am feeling really lonely, even though I am at home. Last year, I was at hostel. I had no one with me, half of my friends went home, and half of them celebrated diwali with their boyfriends. I was all alone and it sucked. That was the worst diwali of my life. I was crying in my room. I didn’t know what to do. I just got dressed up, locked my room and went out to roam in commercial and MG road all alone. You know when I was in Bangalore, I think I enjoyed even being alone because somehow being alone didn’t mean being lonely there. I was used to being alone there and I liked it too.

 But this time I am at home and I am again feeling lonely. I don’t know what you all would think of me but, I guess I hate seeing my siblings married. I miss them. I mean they are with me but in some ways they are not. They are not what they were before. And its right too, as they have their own families now. But I miss being their little kid sister. You know suddenly i realized that I’ve grown up after all. I went to market today with my brother and his wife and I secretly cried when we came back. Since that time I am feeling so restless. You know every time before this, when I used to go to market with my brother he used to hold my hand, but today was a different day. I know I am overreacting but I felt so bad. I was walking all alone. My sister is at her home, with her family. They both got married in a span of two years. Though I was really excited for their weddings, now I feel so isolated. I am very sensitive, small things hurt me badly.

 I miss him. I always write poems about him, but I don’t think I can express the pain I feel in those poems. Because it hurts badly, especially on days like these, I miss him badly. You know we are kind of together now, but it’s not the same way.  I mean, we have not broken up, we actually never break up but we are not what we were before. We hardly talk. He’s too busy to be with me. I was addicted to him. We were inseparable. For me, love never changed. I was and I am still a very romantic girl. Sometimes I feel I was romantic since the day I was born. I love silly things, I can sacrifice everything for love. I was a dumb, stupid girl who gave up everything for love. One of the reasons I can’t concentrate on my studies is because I am always lost. I can’t believe that my love has changed. Not mine, that his love changed. He assures me that it hasn’t but I can feel it. I trust him, he’s stuck with his own problems. He has a depressing life too. I guess the biggest problem with us is, none of us is happy. Yes, we are happy together, but not in our own lives. But, when I am not happy, I need him but when he’s not happy, he doesn’t need anyone. What else can I say? It’s complicated.

I wanted to write a really happy post about diwali. I was actually very excited but I am lonelier now. I had to write it all down, because I can’t control my tears and writing helps in some ways. Confession, people call me ‘rotlu’. I cry a lot. And the worst part is, as I am at home I can’t even cry in front of my mom. At least I could cry my heart out at hostel. Being at home sucks.

I am missing him. I texted him, he didn’t reply. I guess he too is used to my sad texts.

I just want to feel important in someone’s life. I want to feel that people need me, like I need them.

 I take out my phone, I check out all the names from A to Z and there’s no one whom I could call, there’s no one I could rely on. Was I so bad? Do you all think I am not good enough to be loved? I miss those good old those, when I was a kid and I was happy. I want to be happy again. Why am I so sensitive? Why am I so foolish?

I had to write this. I had to write all this. Otherwise… I would have cried all night long.