Hurt and Lonely

Sometimes I feel really alone, even if I am surrounded by people. I’ve a certain kind of sadness in my heart invisible to everyone. Its diwali time and I am feeling really lonely, even though I am at home. Last year, I was at hostel. I had no one with me, half of my friends went home, and half of them celebrated diwali with their boyfriends. I was all alone and it sucked. That was the worst diwali of my life. I was crying in my room. I didn’t know what to do. I just got dressed up, locked my room and went out to roam in commercial and MG road all alone. You know when I was in Bangalore, I think I enjoyed even being alone because somehow being alone didn’t mean being lonely there. I was used to being alone there and I liked it too.

 But this time I am at home and I am again feeling lonely. I don’t know what you all would think of me but, I guess I hate seeing my siblings married. I miss them. I mean they are with me but in some ways they are not. They are not what they were before. And its right too, as they have their own families now. But I miss being their little kid sister. You know suddenly i realized that I’ve grown up after all. I went to market today with my brother and his wife and I secretly cried when we came back. Since that time I am feeling so restless. You know every time before this, when I used to go to market with my brother he used to hold my hand, but today was a different day. I know I am overreacting but I felt so bad. I was walking all alone. My sister is at her home, with her family. They both got married in a span of two years. Though I was really excited for their weddings, now I feel so isolated. I am very sensitive, small things hurt me badly.

 I miss him. I always write poems about him, but I don’t think I can express the pain I feel in those poems. Because it hurts badly, especially on days like these, I miss him badly. You know we are kind of together now, but it’s not the same way.  I mean, we have not broken up, we actually never break up but we are not what we were before. We hardly talk. He’s too busy to be with me. I was addicted to him. We were inseparable. For me, love never changed. I was and I am still a very romantic girl. Sometimes I feel I was romantic since the day I was born. I love silly things, I can sacrifice everything for love. I was a dumb, stupid girl who gave up everything for love. One of the reasons I can’t concentrate on my studies is because I am always lost. I can’t believe that my love has changed. Not mine, that his love changed. He assures me that it hasn’t but I can feel it. I trust him, he’s stuck with his own problems. He has a depressing life too. I guess the biggest problem with us is, none of us is happy. Yes, we are happy together, but not in our own lives. But, when I am not happy, I need him but when he’s not happy, he doesn’t need anyone. What else can I say? It’s complicated.

I wanted to write a really happy post about diwali. I was actually very excited but I am lonelier now. I had to write it all down, because I can’t control my tears and writing helps in some ways. Confession, people call me ‘rotlu’. I cry a lot. And the worst part is, as I am at home I can’t even cry in front of my mom. At least I could cry my heart out at hostel. Being at home sucks.

I am missing him. I texted him, he didn’t reply. I guess he too is used to my sad texts.

I just want to feel important in someone’s life. I want to feel that people need me, like I need them.

 I take out my phone, I check out all the names from A to Z and there’s no one whom I could call, there’s no one I could rely on. Was I so bad? Do you all think I am not good enough to be loved? I miss those good old those, when I was a kid and I was happy. I want to be happy again. Why am I so sensitive? Why am I so foolish?

I had to write this. I had to write all this. Otherwise… I would have cried all night long.

Advertisements

21 thoughts on “Hurt and Lonely

  1. Gosh…..are you my lost sister?? I feel exactly the same things. You know you atleast have him with you, it is possible that everything will be fine and you will realize that whatever pain and suffering you went through it was worth it. So please don’t be disheartened. And especially when it is diwali time and you are with your family. Try to throw away the negative vibes, I know it is not easy and all, but still do not give up on relationships. Specially when you know it is worth putting the effort 🙂
    Happy Diwali. *Hugs*

    Like

    • and guess what, as i finished posting this, he replied saying he’s too happy, as he’s enjoying with his family. i feel miserable again..
      yes, there’s hope.. that’s the only thing i’ve.
      happy diwali to you too.. 🙂

      Like

  2. Don’t think much! There’s still someone who smiles just to see a little comment on his blog from you! That’s me! And there will always be someone like me! Love doesn’t end with one person! 🙂
    Smile for the reason that you are the reason for the smile on someone’s face!
    And should you need to, reach me at sinpsarkar@gmail.com anytime! 🙂
    I don’t assure you to be relieved, but I promise my company! 🙂
    Keep smiling! 🙂

    Like

  3. I really don’t know how to react to this post…
    I can’t even text him you know, not just because I have taken the vow, but because he doesn’t want me to…
    I am used to being lonely as I am the only child in a nuclear family… but that doesn’t mean I want it like this always… you are right… in days like these… I too shed tears and now a days I cry a lot, but secretly… so none knows.
    I miss him but the thing that he doesn’t love me, doesn’t want me, even the tiniest bit of me ruins his day… hurt the most.
    Tonight is the night that I want to hear him badly… but I know that it is not going to happen.
    May God bless him…
    (can’t really put a smiley here, it’d look so fake)

    Like

  4. Dear, happy diwali :-). As you said you’ve grown up now, so be matured in your thinkings. Changes are inevitable. Try to adjust yourself to the changes. For the past 4 years i didnt go home for diwali. 1st time when i was not able to go home for diwali i cried like a baby in my room. Now i’m not even feeling like today is diwali. Today I’m not missing anyone and i’m happy with my studies. He is enjoying there with his family. I’m not telling he is wrong. He may celebrate next diwali with you. Why should he miss this diwali for no reason??? It’s you ‘only you’ who is suffering for no reason. Dont worry about anything in this world. It may be a relation or something else you wont get life time validity on anything. Your brother was with you in the last diwali to hold your hand on the way to market. But things are different for this diwali. Same way things will change for next diwali too. So GO enjoy THIS diwali. 🙂

    Like

  5. What’s good with crying over the past? It just drains your energy . Take a break , spend some time with the nature . Go out for a walk and observe . It’s more fun to observe people . I do it when I feel down and need to elevate my mood . Please lighten up cause you surely has many other reasons to smile for . Happy diwali to you 🙂
    p.s : i don’t feel like liking the post unless you cheer up . Good day !

    Like

  6. Hi Pseudomonaz,
    Let me tell things very honestly as I feel it.
    (1). It is natural the way you felt about your silings being married. The way you felt about them suggests that you love them so much. It happened to me from my younger sister’s side. She was feeling not being important when I got a girl-friend. I could recognise thta she is afraid that she may not be as important to me as it used to be. She was behaving to me differently and I could not understand why. With the help of my mother and girl-friend I understood that she is just insecure. Now I do my best to make sure that she does not feel that way. It is very common among people. Possesion is part and parcel of love. Just take it lightly. Also understand that yior brother’s wife also might feel similar kind of possesion abou her husband (though she will understnad that you are her brother’s younger sisster and you will be pampered by him. I guess my girl-friend takes it in that way and she loves my sister a lot too.)

    (2). I suggest you for not to be upset with the fact thtat yiour boy friend seems to be not needing you when he is sad. I think this is the way many men respond to difficult situations. They want to be in the cave of their own space to deal with the problem. They will come out of their caves after some time. I suggest you to be patient and allow him the time to deal with the problem. Be patient. don’t force him to share whatever he thinks. he will share it with you later on when he feels better.
    (3). As you said he is having his own problems in life. Try to support him as much as you can. Love is more about about giving than about reeiving.
    (4). Thinking that you are not someone who is worth being loved cannot be true. Everyone is special in their own ways. Try to love people than seeking love. Try to be a little bit more gentle on yourself as well as on others.

    Like

  7. Oh, don’t you hate it when situations change? 😦 I know just what you mean. Maybe you could try to talk to your siblings and tell you how you feel about their marriages, and that you feel lonely. Maybe if they were aware of it, they would surround you more. That was just my idea 🙂 Remember to smile! 🙂

    Like

  8. I think you need to reassess your relationship with your boyfriend. Just my humble opinion. I mean, just from how I understood this post, you like him more than he likes you, and you yourself can actually feel it. Anyway, don’t mind this comment if my understanding is wrong.

    Like

  9. This is a story with many of us. It was mine too. All that could heal it was TIME.
    It’s a sad part of life and very common in our age. I understand how you feel and i wish it gts better soon. The empathy is at large.
    Wish you a great time ahead!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s