Happy Birthday to Me

Tomorrow i.e. on 31st January is my birthday. This one’s gonna be the most sober birthday in these 22 years of my life. Unlike the earlier years i don’t have new clothes to wear, i don’t have a cake and i don’t have any gifts. Few people will call me and the day will pass like any other day. Though it sounds like that but i am not complaining. The people who really love me will call me, even if they won’t due to some reasons they’ll at least think about me once and that is enough for me. I am the one who has chosen to live this way. I must not complain about it.

Last year's cake. My boyfriend calls me MPS. No one knows what it stands for, that's why they wrote it on my cake. ;-)
Last year’s cake. My boyfriend calls me MPS. No one knows what it stands for, that’s why they wrote it on my cake. 😉 and i won’t tell what it means. He has never given me a cute name and like all names given by him i hate it too.

I am not happy, I am not sad, I am just okay and sometimes its okay to be okay. I recently read the book “The Power” by Rhonda Byrne. This book has inspired me and i am starting to believe in the law of attraction. We do get the things we really want in life, we just need to have faith and believe on the power of our dreams. We must love the things we want in our life. Love has immense power, the power to make dreams come true. And in this new year of my life i’ve decided to be optimistic about life. I’ve decided to be positive and hopeful, to believe in the power of my dreams. I don’t know how all this works but i want to believe that it does work. I don’t know where life is leading me, whether i’ll be able to get into a college or not, but somehow i want to believe that i’ll. I am not going to be a pessimist anymore. And i’ll try my best to be positive even if life forces me not to be that.

So keeping all my wonderful birthday memories in my mind, i am going to start a new year. I don’t know how its going to be but i do have faith that everything will fall back into place. I read a quote recently in one of the blogs, it said,

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born
and the day you find out why.”

Its been 22 years since i was born, I think very soon i’ll find out the reason too.

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Our Blockbuster Lives

Recently someone asked me, ” Why do you reveal all your personal details in your blog? Aren’t you scared that someone you know might read it?”

I thought about it for a while and i i’ve to admit, i was scared when i first started this blog, but i am not anymore. Except three of my friends no one i know personally read this blog of mine (i think so). My brother knows that i blog and he can easily find it, but he’s least bothered to even check on it. Even if he does someday i don’t care. I actually want someone from my family to know the real me, and my blog is the best way to do that.

And the answer to why i blog about my personal life here is, well i don’t know what else to write. Seriously, i like writing about my life. I find my story to be the most entertaining story i’ve ever known. Don’t you think we all live an extraordinary life? Don’t you think our lives are more interesting than the movies we watch and the novels we read? The way we are born and raised, the way we finish that work just in time, the way we miss a bus and save our life, the way we meet that girl/guy who turns out to be a soul-mate, isn’t it all interesting? It won’t be dramatic or filmy but each situation in life is a story in itself. It wont necessarily be humorous, or magical or tragic but it would surely be special for you ,if you look back and think about it.

Yes, i rant about my life, i blabber about the depressing things all around me but when i look back at these 22 years i’ve spent on this earth, i do feel good. I like the way my story has unfolded everyday. My story started even before the day i was born, when i was a mere foetus,  an unwanted female foetus for that matter and how my mom fought with the world to keep me alive. The story got more interesting as i grew up, the way i survived a near fatal accident when i was seven, the way i spent 14 years of my childhood in a small hill station and moved onto the IT city of India, the way i lost my chance to get into a medical school by one mark and how i ended up being an engineer, the way i was in love (one sided) with a guy for more than 6 years and eventually committed to one of his closest friends who was physically, culturally, and socially so different from me, the way i missed a flight and spent the best day of my life, the way i’ve lived so far inspite of all the troubles, road blocks (real ones), failures and miracles. I could actually write a book on it.

If you watch these typical Bollywood masala flicks you’ll probably get a better idea about what i am talking about. I am not saying that our lives are meaningless like those movies but that our lives are eventful. Every time you see a Salman Khan’s movie, a Rowdy Rathore or Housefull, what do you say? I say, “ye ho kya rha hai! (what the hell is happening!) I hope you all do the same. I mean so many things happen in one movie. There is action, romance, comedy, lots of cliches and an item number. Its all so absurd that we just end up laughing on it and that works in favor of the movie. How much ever we criticize such movies we can’t deny the fact that they all are blockbusters. In the same way our lives too are blockbusters. We can never figure out what will happen next but once we look back, we can connect the dots and think how awesome it was. At the end we all know why that particular thing happened and how that one thing led to another and another and our story was completed.

And that’s why i like writing about my life. Its not perfect but its unique, no one has a story like mine. The life i am living right now is extraordinary and it hasn’t ended yet, there’s more to it, many more memories, comedies, tragedies and what not.

I love the way i’ve lived so far and i’ll continue doing so. After all its my blockbuster life…

source: tumbler.com

source: tumbler.com

The D Day

This Sunday, 20th January 2013 is the day my fate will be decided. After studying hard for almost 6 months, its the time to know how much do i really know. Actually i am studying seriously only from the past 4 days, trust me, what i’ve studied in these 4 days was more than what i studied in the last 6 months and there are 3 more days to go, the most important 3 days of my life. I am left with a huge portion to cover, its impossible to study that much for now. But as we used to say during college, Raat baaki baat baaki!

Its only when the time is over, we realize its importance. It has always been like this for me. I don’t work hard when i’ve time and when its over, i repent over every second i wasted, the music videos, news that didn’t matter, the cricket matches, the day dreams etc. What is done, is done. I can’t go back in time and change it.

I pack my bags today and leave for my sister’s place tomorrow. Out of all the choices i gave for my exam center i got a hill station named Bhimtal as the center for my exam. Its a beautiful place near Nainital, another hill station most of you would be aware of. Born in Ranikhet, i spent all my childhood in Pithoragarh and then moved to Bangalore. I gave all my board exams and entrance exam there itself. This is the first important exam i’ll be writing in the mountains.  Can these mountains change my destiny? We’ll see.

This is the last post i am writing about Gate, unless there is a miracle of course. I’ll be back on 22nd. It’ll be a new day and new life after that.

Wish me luck!

(few pics from the last time i was there)

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Best Friends Forever

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

9th September 2008, the first day i met her. A shy, innocent and naive young girl from Karnataka. It was our first day in college and she was the only one who talked to me in hindi.We both had to apply for hostel and so we went to the warden together. That day and every day after that till the last day of college we did everything together. She was like me in many ways and yet she was so different. I was short tempered, her dictionary didn’t have the word temper, i was the spoilt one, she was too cultured, i would shout for every small reason, and she would look here and there to check if someone is hearing us. All those four years in college we spent the whole day together, from 9 am to 11 pm. She would come everyday to my room to wake me up, ask me if i had brushed yet or not, slam me for not taking bath, then we would run to college, have breakfast together, sit together in class, lunch together, evening tea and parle g (i can never forget that, i miss parle g 😦 ), roam together after college, and after having dinner we would go back to our respective rooms. She used to sleep very early, i on the other hand was insomniac. We were always together, always. We had fights, really serious fights. I would always shout on her, she like always would say nothing in return. And again in few minutes we would be back together. She understood me like no one else. We would never get bored talking. It was good even if there were many problems in our respective lives…Life was good. We have many memories together. The first day in college, the days at hostel, the fights over what to eat for dinner, the Mysore trip, her sister’s wedding, the stressful days during exams, the way we used to envy dogs because they didn’t have to study, the days we didn’t eat because we fought with each other, the day she scolded me for not brushing my teeth and i poured  hot tea over her in anger,  the bitching sessions, the times she abused me for crying over my love life, the days i taught her hindi slangs (she masters the art now, more than me), all the days we cried, we laughed, we enjoyed, i can never forget those moments. Friends came and friends left in both of our lives but we had each other. Each moment i cherish about my college life, she comes into the picture, because she was always there. College ended last year but not our friendship. We call each other minimum three times a day.We still have so much to share, to laugh about. I always used to tell her, if you were a guy, you know i would’ve married you. I can write thousand words about us, yet i could never express the love and friendship we share. Words are just not enough.

This is for you SKK. You know i miss you a lot. I know i’ll never ever get a friend like you. When i stopped believing in friendship, you came like an angel into my life. You made me believe that best friends do exist, that people can be different yet care so immensely for each other. You were, you are and you’ll be always be my best friend. I know its going to be a little boring without me but what can we do now. Just pray for me so that i can give you a small gift next year, unlike a post like this (Compensation for not giving you a gift)

Happy Birthday, Moti.

 

Main Pareshaan

Naye naye chapters kyun darate hain is kadar ab mujhe,

Naye naye questions dekh kyun chakkar aate hain, har kadam yun mujhe,

Zara zara biochemistry se bhagne lga dil mera,

Zara zara maths se bhi door jane  lga dil mera,

Main pareshaan, pareshaan,pareshaan,pareshan,

Mastiyan ab kahan….

Main pareshaan, pareshaan,pareshaan,pareshan,

Kaisi bechainiyaan…

So this is the song in my mind these days, i’ve just edited the lyrics as per my situation. Kya bolun yaar…. 11 days to go for my exam and i am helpless. You know totally i had to study 11 subjects, out of those i’ve not even touched four, and that includes Maths and biochemistry which holds the most number of marks. Ab mai kya karun ye mujhe nhi pata. Or actually jo bhi maine padha tha during these months uska ABC bhi mujhe yaad nhi because itni books to read maar li maine, but revise kaun krega. Ab agr 40 ghante bhi ek din mai hon to bhi i just can’t study. I am clueless about what i am going to do. I solved last year question paper and guess what i just knew 30 questions out of 65. Sab logon ko mujhse itni umeeden hain and mai sari umeedon pe pani pherne wali hun. Actually i don’t even know ki why am i not studying. I am just hell bored with everything. Trust me, i now know more than what i used to know in college about biotech, but these MCQs and ratta maar abhiyaan nhi hota mujhse. I didn’t study anything in the last one month, actually time itna kam tha ki mai din bhar mai yahi sochne mai rahti thi ki kaunsi book jo padhun or is chakkar mai sab barbaad and sabse badi cheej i’ve become a couch potato. TV mai khoi rehti hun, kyunki agr books k saamne baithti hun to apna dark future najar aata hai and to distract myself i spend all my time either watching TV or thinking. Kya krun mai? 11 din or sab khtm. Yes, i’ve to write other exams too but Gate mera favorite tha. Yes, tha kyunki mujhe koi umeed nahi hai ab.

I am tired. I don’t want to be depressed but i am. You know life is very tough. I’ve friends getting their first salary, friends already doing their MS in different nations, friends getting married, and i am hidden in a small world, world where no one knows me except my family, i don’t talk to people except 2-3 friends who keep updating me about what’s happening in everyone’s life, i don’t go out, i am basically invisible, i’ve lost my identity. Soon me and my mom are leaving this place (can’t disclose the reasons), and i don’t know where are we going. Firstly i didn’t have any clue about my career now i dont’ve any clue about my life. I know one exam is not the end of the world but i just wanna know what’s gonna happen with my life.  I know there are people who are living worse lives than me, but its human nature, we always feel our problems are the biggest. I have everything yet i feel so incomplete. I don’t know, i just want an easy life, an ordinary life. I just want to be happy again.

I am fed up of closed doors, for once i wish to see a door open. A door that’ll end all my miseries. For once…………

Daily Post: Stroke of Midnight

I was in my room,

On my bed,

With my cat,

Sleeping on my lap,

Staring at my phone,

Except two, no one called!

Obviously I never wanted it to be like that but that’s how it was. Off late, i am kind of used to being alone. Living with just my parents in a new town, i don’t have anyone to talk to, except two of my friends who stay miles away from me, so basically we just talk on phone. But, i don’t feel lonely anymore. I can spend hours sitting idle, without telivision,texts,phone,internet,books, anything. I don’t get excited to celebrate such special days now, be it new year, my birthday, diwali or any other festival.

As we grow up, we lose interest in so many things which used to be so important to us at some point of time. Am i the only one feeling that or is it a general phenomenon? Well, i don’t know. Sometimes i feel i’ve really lost that innocent little girl, running down the lanes of her small hilly town, wearing those colorful frocks, enthusiastic for every small festival or day. The one who exists now is a girl who wants to relive her past, hates her present and is scared about her future.

Where were you last night when 2012 turned into 2013? Is that where you’d wanted to be?