Main Pareshaan

Naye naye chapters kyun darate hain is kadar ab mujhe,

Naye naye questions dekh kyun chakkar aate hain, har kadam yun mujhe,

Zara zara biochemistry se bhagne lga dil mera,

Zara zara maths se bhi door jane  lga dil mera,

Main pareshaan, pareshaan,pareshaan,pareshan,

Mastiyan ab kahan….

Main pareshaan, pareshaan,pareshaan,pareshan,

Kaisi bechainiyaan…

So this is the song in my mind these days, i’ve just edited the lyrics as per my situation. Kya bolun yaar…. 11 days to go for my exam and i am helpless. You know totally i had to study 11 subjects, out of those i’ve not even touched four, and that includes Maths and biochemistry which holds the most number of marks. Ab mai kya karun ye mujhe nhi pata. Or actually jo bhi maine padha tha during these months uska ABC bhi mujhe yaad nhi because itni books to read maar li maine, but revise kaun krega. Ab agr 40 ghante bhi ek din mai hon to bhi i just can’t study. I am clueless about what i am going to do. I solved last year question paper and guess what i just knew 30 questions out of 65. Sab logon ko mujhse itni umeeden hain and mai sari umeedon pe pani pherne wali hun. Actually i don’t even know ki why am i not studying. I am just hell bored with everything. Trust me, i now know more than what i used to know in college about biotech, but these MCQs and ratta maar abhiyaan nhi hota mujhse. I didn’t study anything in the last one month, actually time itna kam tha ki mai din bhar mai yahi sochne mai rahti thi ki kaunsi book jo padhun or is chakkar mai sab barbaad and sabse badi cheej i’ve become a couch potato. TV mai khoi rehti hun, kyunki agr books k saamne baithti hun to apna dark future najar aata hai and to distract myself i spend all my time either watching TV or thinking. Kya krun mai? 11 din or sab khtm. Yes, i’ve to write other exams too but Gate mera favorite tha. Yes, tha kyunki mujhe koi umeed nahi hai ab.

I am tired. I don’t want to be depressed but i am. You know life is very tough. I’ve friends getting their first salary, friends already doing their MS in different nations, friends getting married, and i am hidden in a small world, world where no one knows me except my family, i don’t talk to people except 2-3 friends who keep updating me about what’s happening in everyone’s life, i don’t go out, i am basically invisible, i’ve lost my identity. Soon me and my mom are leaving this place (can’t disclose the reasons), and i don’t know where are we going. Firstly i didn’t have any clue about my career now i dont’ve any clue about my life. I know one exam is not the end of the world but i just wanna know what’s gonna happen with my life.  I know there are people who are living worse lives than me, but its human nature, we always feel our problems are the biggest. I have everything yet i feel so incomplete. I don’t know, i just want an easy life, an ordinary life. I just want to be happy again.

I am fed up of closed doors, for once i wish to see a door open. A door that’ll end all my miseries. For once…………