What Does My Horoscope Say?

My parents and all the other elder members in my family firmly believe in horoscopes or kundali as we say it in Hindi. The first step in finding a match for a person in my family is to

match their horoscope with the prospective bride/groom. The perfect matching of the horoscope is a must for any marriage to take place. Marriage is not the only occasion where horoscopes are considered, in fact they play a vital role in almost every occasion in our lives, right from birth to death. Therefore, whenever anyone in the family faces any problem in life, relatives start suggesting astrologers who can find solutions to those problems or can read our entire future.

Owing to my current situation( no college, no job) my mom decided to show my horoscope to one of these astrologers who is also a close relative of ours. Now he is a really renowned astrologer who even have contacts with The Ekta Kapoor and his entire television clan. Though he doesn’t practice astrology on a regular basis, people say he’s blessed with a vast amount of knowledge.

Following are the top five predictions he made about my life and mine and my family’s reaction to each one of them. My reactions are obviously within my mind.

Prediction 1: She’s very lucky.

Family: See, you are lucky, you’ll definitely get through this exam. Now, don’t cry saying that you are unlucky. God has blessed you with luck.

Me: Let’s get out of here. He doesn’t know anything. The first prediction itself is wrong.

Prediction 2: She’s very short tempered. But its not her fault. Its all because of the planet Mars that is residing within her kundali. Make her wear a ring of red coral and everything will be fine.

Family: Don’t we need to do any pooja. A ring would do or anything else. We are fed up of her rebellious behaviour.

Me: Right, me having Mars in my horoscope makes me rebellious. Whatever you say! At least i’ll get a ring. πŸ˜‰ He’s not even that bad.

Prediction 3: She’ll go abroad to do her PhD, most probably to a country whose name starts with C. I am very sure about this one. Change my name if this doesn’t happen.

Family: Must be Canada. What are the other countries with C, China, Cuba, Cambodia…. the list goes on!

Me: Bhai PG krne k liye itni phati padi hai, tu mujhe doctorate karwa le!! x-( Which name would you prefer, Champu ya Chirkut, tell me that?

Prediction 4: She’ll do something that no one is our family has ever done.

Family: She’s definitely gonna kill someone. With this temper of hers that is the only thing she can do. She’ll ruin our name someday.

Me: OMG! Does he know of my plan to elope and get married. I am dead. Hide me some where. 😦

Prediction 5: She’ll prove to be a great wife and an ideal daughter in law.

Family: hahahaha…hohohoho..can’t control. Omg.. hahahaha

Me: No comments!!! ( Beizzati ki bhi had hoti hai yaar)

This is it. I don’t know how many of these predictions will actually come true. I don’t really believe that someone can predict our future, that too by seeing our horoscopes. And in case these predictions do come true someday, you can contact me to get our astrologer’s number. I’ll be happy to help! πŸ™‚

source:google images

source:google images

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27 thoughts on “What Does My Horoscope Say?

  1. O-my-Holy-mother-of-God πŸ˜‰
    At least, it is good comic fodder. Worth the money πŸ˜›
    I am tragically-mangalik ( if you know what that means ) and by my astrologer’s prediction, I should be dead already πŸ™‚ Funny.
    I think I want to spend some time with these people

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    • Which pundit told you that you’ll be dead because you are a manglik. He doesn’t know anything. Being manglik means that you’ll have difficulty getting married, matlab your spouse will face health problems. and for that you must marry a girl who’s manglik too. Somehow they say the manglik-manglik effect nullifies. Or in case of girls they get you married with trees or pots first and then the groom, you know things like that. Btw i am a manglik too. haha πŸ˜‰

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      • Ohh aisa kya ? ! Well its a good news then πŸ˜› I do not have to bear with the same girl for all my life, thanks to some cosmic miscalculation πŸ˜‰
        And here you are, the PhD of Manglik-sciences. Come on!
        Also, how does a planet effect the course of our lives ? I mean I know gravitational force, but other than that…. πŸ˜‰ Please explain πŸ˜›

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      • I don’t know the scientific reason. I just know what happens when you are manglik. My parents had a hard time with 3 mangliks in the house. That’s the only reason i know about it. And by the way why are you so against living your entire life with a single girl? Diljale lagte ho!

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      • I am sorry, but after studying a bit of science for such an extended period of time, it is difficult for me to put up with those things. Entirely my limitation. Astrology is a hokum, if someone asks me…
        It is difficult to say “why” Mona. But I have fed myself on idealist literature, and for that reason, I see black and white. No grey. So, they said love is about being passionate about something even on days you feel low, I took it rather seriously. Ab kahan log itne interesting hote hain yaar. They get complacent.
        Plus the institution of marriage has put up not-so-nice examples in front of me.

        AND, there is also this little problem of finding someone who can bear you for that much time πŸ˜‰

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      • I know log interesting nahi rehte but its not about interest. After a point of time you are just attached to that person. More than love, there’s attachment,respect and that used to feeling. Same pinch on the marriage thing. I Like to be in love but i don’t feel the same for marriage. As for the who’ll bear you part, i am sure there would surely be someone who can do that. Jodiyan bhagwan banata hai..hehe!

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      • I totally understand the getting-used-to thing. I have been there, and back. And after the whole experience, I can safely conclude that the charm dies down in such relationships over a year or two. What remains afterwards is what they call “escalation of committment”. People must consistently make efforts to remain relevant. If they do not, well… then make a compromise like most of us do.
        I know I do not want to do that ever again.

        Hehe.. Even my mother says so. Die hard bollywood fans, all of you πŸ˜›

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      • How could i make you believe in love? You just can’t control falling in love. I hope you get a girl like that some day. Did you read my post on love? you must read it and please don’t bash me afterwards.
        I am not a bollywood fan but i am very filmy. Had se jyada filmy. My guy calls me a 9.5 pointer for being filmy, while he’s just 0.5. πŸ™‚

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      • Come on ! I would never bash you, or anyone. You are younger than me, and as a matter of policy, I can not sharp shoot you. I would definitely rag Amitabh Bachchan on twitter though πŸ˜›

        I will read the post on love you are talking about. Filmy ? Haha… Well… if you subscribed Times of India in 2005-06, maybe you read my movie reviews too πŸ˜› Major movie buff here πŸ™‚

        About love being voluntary, and things like that… Well… we on the same page as far as the begining of love is concerned. May not be so in the details. Yes, you “fall” in love- it is involuntary. But chance does not decide whether you will remain in love. It requires consistent effort. You might disagree with that though.

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      • I agree with you on the effort part. It does require consistent effort. I am living a life where i am making those efforts everyday. But the thing is are you the only one trying to keep the relationship alive, if yes, then its not worth it. Everything needs effort, not just love. You pass an entrance exam but to do well in college, you do require effort, right? And who said love is less than an exam.

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      • Totally agree with that. What is not earned, is not valued. And what is not valued, does not last. Why invest time in something that is not going to last πŸ˜‰

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  2. Statutory warning: Grahas and nakshatras can “look” very perfect one day, but change positions the very next day. *Talking from experience* the pretext given by a couple of astrologers about some damages in my life.
    So, pls don;t expect to marry the “perfect match” and then suddenly realise that everything is not as great as it looks. Some astrologers match kundalis zabardasti too, by making some poojas so as to forcibly match them with the boy’s.

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  3. My kundali was matched when I was getting married. And I got a 33/36 with Geet and hence we were allowed to talk. So, in a way I believe in them. All you need is a really good astrologer who knows the science. πŸ˜‰

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    • I can say you were lucky. 33/36 is a great match. I’ve seen different things though. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I have seen my friends breaking up just because their kundali didn’t match and the girls family believed madly in it. I do believe that the characteristics they tell by seeing your kundali are correct but i can’t say that for future predictions, like in my case the temper thing is really correct. And some of them even tell my physical characteristics without actually seeing me. I don’t know how it works. Its more of a mystery to me.

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  4. “She’s definitely gonna kill someone”
    Hahaha, I semi believe in horoscopes though. Sometimes, they hit the nail on the head and other times they can be totally wrong.
    I love the rebellious part too, but we all know that’s because of Mars not leaving your kundali. Tsk, Mars :P.

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