Life On The Way

I am on my way to Lucknow right now and I am writing this post while sitting on the 22nd seat of the AC coach of Nainital Express. This is the first time I am writing something while travelling, I mean writing something online. I have written diary entries while travelling by flights,but I am writing a post on a train for the first time. My brother stays in Lucknow and we are going to his place. To be honest, I don’t really want to go there. Something about our relatioship changed since the day he got married. We had fights, really nasty ones and he said something which i really can’t forget ever in my life. Some words inflict wounds that can never be healed and even if they do, they leave permanent scars.  I’ll write about it someday. I am presently not in a state of mind to write further about it. Well, going to Lucknow is important because my flight tickets to Bangalore  are from Lucknow. I am going to Bangalore on 7th April, and I’ll be there for 4 days. It might be the last time I’ll be in Bangalore, and that’s why I am gonna enjoy every second of my stay, reliving old memories, and doing things I couldn’t do in these 10 months. My trip to Bangalore is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now, but in a corner of mind I am a little sad about it. Sad because I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to go back there ever again. I’ve spent 7 years of my life there and I’ve literally grown up there. And now it seems like a final goodbye to that place.

Every problem in my life is due to the fact that I get too attached to people, places and even things. The attachment turns into madness and I am never able to let go of anything.  My conflicts with my brother and my fear of leaving Bangalore forever is because of this very fact that I just can’t get over my past. I just can’t bear these changes in my life. I want to be the water of a stagnant pond but my life is like the flowing water of a river, always moving ahead.  I want to stay at a place, live with the same set of people, make the same kind of memories but life is just not like that. Life is changing, each day, each moment. Why is it so hard for me to accept those changes and move on with my life. Why is it so difficult for me to grow up? Why do I still want to be a kid? I don’t know.

May be I’ll learn everything with time. May be we all learn to live life with time, some earlier and some later.

As of now, I’ve learned that acceptance is the key to happiness. And I am gonna apply this rule to my life.

Signing off  with a quote from one of my favourite books, Memoirs of a Geisha,

“Now I know that our world is no more permanent than a wave rising on the ocean. Whatever our struggles and triumphs, however we may suffer them, all too soon they bleed into a wash, just like watery ink on paper.” 

I Wish…

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Jee chaahe panchi ho jaavaan,                             

Udda jaavaan, gaaonda jaavaan,                         

An-chuh sikharaan nu choo paavaan,                  

Is duniya deeyaan raahvaan bhul ke                     

Pher kade na vaapas aavaan…                           

[English Translation]  

I wish that I could be a bird 

That I could fly, that I could sing,

That I could touch untouchable peaks,

That I could forget the roads of the world,

And never return…

(Few lines from a poem by Shiv Kumar Batalvi)

Growing Up….

Source: weheartit.com

Source: weheartit.com

Growing up,

I’ve learned to lie,

To cheat at times,

To ignore old friends,

And to compromise.

I’ve seen people leave,

Changed feelings,

Those intriguing eyes,

And broken dreams.

I’ve loved,

And lost,

And loved again.

I’ve lived alone,

Laughed and cried,

I’ve given up hope,

Only to give life,

Another try.

I’ve failed,

And risen again,

I’ve walked many miles,

Only to lost my way,

I’ve managed to smile,

At the end of a bad day.

I’ve been on this journey,

Since a long time,

Growing up,

I’ve lost a part of me,

A part that was innocent,

And carefree…

Finally Something New

So the first new thing I got after 10 months is this laptop!!! Yay..finally!!! Jo diwali pe aana wala that wo holi pe aa hi gya. WordPress is the first site i’ve logged into, that proves my loyalty to blogging. I wasn’t writing regularly all these days because the PC i was working on used to stuck for hours making it difficult to work on it. This is the beginning of a new life. Next week I am going to Lucknow and then to Bangalore, most probably on the 7th of next month, for 4-5 days. I am so excited. Going back to Bangalore, to the place i truly love, its going to be so much fun. I wish I could stay there forever!!!

Well as for my college admissions, I don’t know anything about which college am I gonna get. I haven’t applied anywhere till now. I am so confused about everything. But I don’t know why I am not worried this time. I’ve a faith that I’ll get somewhere, some place in this country and waise bhi wo hi to meri manzil nahi hai na. College jana to bus ek zariya hai yahan se bahar nikalne ka. Life mai bahout kuch karna hai ab. This is just not my destination.

Life ptanahi kahan le jaa rahi hai, but ek belief hai ki kahin na kahin to chali hi jaungi.

Life is so busy these days, not because of studies, wo to waise bhi mai kabhi nahi krti but due to Holi. I mean seriously, my whole body is aching. Today was ladies holi sangeet at my place. So, last two days were spent in making gujiyas. Me, my mom, my sister and her husband, we four prepared almost 200 gujiyas yesterday. Last night, my dad’s friends were at our place to celebrate holi. Right now, as I am writing this I can hear holi songs from my neighbourhood. Holi isn’t a one day festival at our town, its celebrated for almost 15 days. Kumaunis are crazy about holi. Ptanahi kab tak holi fever chalne wala hai yahan.

As for me, I just don’t enjoy festivals anymore. I don’t know why. I am just not that little kid anymore who used to wait for festivals like holi and diwali from a month. As I was telling my mom yesterday, mai bahout neeras ho gayi hun. 22 saal mai hi boodi ho gayi hun mai. I do celebrate festivals but I don’t enjoy them as much as I used to in childhood. But that doesn’t mean I won’t post holi pics here. I would definitely do that. Now that, I’ve got a new laptop, I am gonna write many more posts about holi. Waise bhi ye holi abhi tak kafi sahi hui hai, lets see next two days mai kya hota hai. 

Till then, wish you all a  Happy Holi. Enjoy this festival of colors.

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This Afternoon…

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Baithaki Holi…

Life As It Is

Its been almost ten months since….

– I watched a movie

– I bought clothes/shoes/handbags/clips/earrings/anything for that matter

– I roamed alone, to be precise stepped out of my home alone

– I slept alone ( okay my mom sleeps with me, every single night)

– I met any of my friend/ anyone my age

– I met my guy

– I kissed

– I had a burger/pizza/panipuri/bhelpuri/masalapuri/all those puris

– I got a haircut

– I wore nail paint

– I got/ gave a gift/surprise

– I checked out a random guy ( no fun without friends)

– I slept at 6/7 in the morning

– I was photographed by someone other than me

– I basically had a life

And it feels okay. I mean I do rant about it all the time but it isn’t too bad. This is how my life is. It isn’t full of surprises/coincidences/tragedies but its fine, mostly because I’ve got a hope now. A hope that, there will be so much to do in the future. There will be a time when I’ll be dying to live these 10 months again. To lay back and enjoy the sunsets, to see birds building their nests, to see a newly born calf, to listen to songs as it rained outside, to write poems, to have home made food, to celebrate every festival, to be away from the hustle and bustle of every day life, to be away from that competitive world, to just be a nobody.

These 10 months changed me. I was able to live without things that were an essential part of my life. I completely erased my existence from this world. I didn’t talk to friends, I changed my number, I changed my lifestyle, I deleted facebook, I isolated myself, I was in a cocoon. It was like I was dead. I was alone and apart from the occasional emotional outbreaks I was okay with it. It was how it was destined to be. And its okay to let it be that way. We just learn more as we live it. And…

I learned that you must never lose hope.

I learned that old friends do last a lifetime.

I learned that expectations ruin relationships.

I learned that its fine to accept that you are different.

I learned that people you love don’t necessarily love you back.

I learned that sometimes its not about your dreams but about your abilities.

I learned that sometimes the only way to find yourself is to get completely lost.

Life won’t necessarily be what you imagined it to be but it won’t be that bad. Things might take a turn of 180 degrees but you’ll learn to live it that way.

Life is beautiful as it is…

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One Wait Ends…Another Begins

Since many days I wasn’t able to write anything, mostly because I was waiting for my results. There was nothing in my mind except the date 15th march. I was trying to be all positive about it, but as I am a born pessimist, the positivity didn’t survive for long. Every next second I was thinking how horrible my life would be, if i don’t get through GATE. I was praying all the time, just asking HIM to give me a way. Yes, that’s what i was wishing for, just a way out of this unhappiness. You know that doobte ko sinke ka sahara types. And today HE has given me that.

All India Rank- 377

It’s neither too good, nor bad. Well, if this was about other branches of engineering, I am sure this rank was enough to get into the best colleges in India. But as for Biotechnology, I really don’t know, as there would be less seats available.

But I am happy. Seriously I’ve never got an All India Rank ever in my life. I am one among those 13% students who have qualified the exam. Can you believe that!!!

I am sure that i’ll get into a college. The only question now is, which college???

After a really long time, i’ve got something to hold on to. I’ve got a ray of hope. And I am happy. This is an end to my sad, gloomy posts. I started this blog when i was preparing for GATE and i said i don’t want to end it on a sad note. And as i hoped, i didn’t.

It’s a great day for me. God is with me and that is enough for now.

377 isn’t bad right??

( For those who have any idea about GATE and the admission procedure,  specially about Biotech, please guide me, as i’ve no idea what to do after this and do i really have a chance here? Do let me know. )

Because i don’t like myself today…!!!

PSEUDOMONAZ

You look tired,

Your hair is out of place,

There’s sadness in your eyes,

And dullness on your face.

Tell me,

Would you like you if you met you,

If that was the case?

You’ve isolated yourself,

There’s no one you could call,

No one would lend a hand,

If the next moment you fall.

Tell me,

Would you like you if you met you,

Just passing by the mall?

You’ve dreams,

Not a will to make them true.

You wish to fly,

But scared to try anything new.

Tell me,

Would you like you if you met you,

It that was something you were asked to do?

You’ve lost hope,

You don’t believe in god anymore,

Every turn in your life,

Those moments, the drive,

Now make you bore.

Tell me,

Would you like you if you met you,

Just ask your heart’s core?

You don’t love you,

You…

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Making A Choice- Love or Family???

Recently I saw an advertisement in a newspaper about the upcoming sale in a jewellery store. I asked my dad to check out the advertisement, you know in case he wanted to make some jewellery for me, he could do that in cheaper rates. I was actually fooling around but my dad took the advice rather seriously. He declared that he has gone bankrupt after the marriage of my siblings and has nothing left for me. He then said that I should find a suitable guy myself and he’ll only come to the wedding to bless me.

OKAY, my dad said this. I mean MY DAD!!!!

To find a guy myself- matlab a love marriage!!!

I pinched myself just to make sure that it wasn’t a dream.

It wasn’t. He said that for real.

I asked him again, ” Are you serious?”

And he said, “Yes.”

Just when I was busy imagining my till-that-moment-almost-impossible wedding, my dad said, ” But…

(Here comes the BUT in between)

But…

– He must be a Brahmin.

– Just not a Brahmin, but a Kumauni Brahmin. Brahmins from other regions are not allowed.

– He must not be from our Gotra.

– Our horoscopes must match and for that,

-He must be a manglik.

Lo, Ho gayi meri shadi!!!

Matlab what am I supposed to do? If ever i find a guy, am I supposed to give him an application form, listing the eligibility criteria for falling in love with me? I’ve heard about family planning, Now am I supposed to do love planning? And can love be planned? Isn’t it supposed to be a coincidence, a mutual acceptance of one’s assets and faults?

Does the matching of caste,color,creed,class or planets guarantee a successful marriage? I don’t think so. I am not a pro in the subjects as crucial as marriage but i do know that love, understanding, and mutual respect are essential for any relationship to succeed. Unfortunately many Indian parents fail to match these aspects.

I am myself in a relationship with a guy from another caste. We are too young to think about marriage but we do hope to spend our lives together if our relationship succeeds. But for that to happen I’ll have to make a choice and by far I am not strong enough to choose him. And I don’t know if I’ll ever have the strength to do that.

All my close friends were in relationship with guys who either belonged to different castes, region,religions or same gotra, blame it on our education, our so called modern beliefs, the freedom we got or whatever. But eventually they all gave up, some tried, some remained mum. Almost no one among us, decided to fight for love. Is it because our love wasn’t strong enough or are we all a bunch of cowards?

Would you sacrifice your love for your family?

What would you do if you’ve to make a choice?

[ While trying to write a funny post I ended up getting all serious about it. Why can’t I Laugh over Love? To compensate for that, I am adding the following pictures ]

True Story!!!
True Story!!!
Not Quite sure about that!!!
Not Quite sure about that!!!

Being Unhappy

Its been a long time, a really long time since i was happy. I’ve been at home for almost 9 months now, a time enough for a baby to develop, but i am stuck at a place. I am living a stagnant life. If you put aside my trips to hospitals, i’ve never really been to any place. I’ve not met anyone in these 9 months, no friends, no new person, absolutely no one except my siblings sometimes. I had decided not to write about my life here, but sometime s i just can’t help it. I’ve to let it out. Its not that i am living a sad life, no its not like that, i am  actually living a royal life. I mean i get up at 11 am each morning, i eat, i drink, i watch TV, i stroll in my garden,pick up fresh vegetables, and that’s it. But this is not the way to live for a 22 year old young girl, who has passed out of college 9 months ago. Its not that i am gloomy or anything, but i am unhappy. Yes, that’s the thing, i am just unhappy.

Its like i am stuck at one place while the world is busy walking ahead. And i’ve no one to share my feelings with. There is no one to guide me. I am just alone. And the people in my life are themselves unhappy. An ailing mother who is more worried about my career than her life, i can’t share my fears with her, she might die tomorrow and i would regret everything i said. A big brother, who has everything in his life, job, education,life partner but is unhappy with something which i’ve no idea about. A sister, who is married so i can’t bug her with my problems. Friends who have jobs, money or are in colleges,yet they call me to cry about their life. What am i supposed to do? What’s the use of crying in front of those people who are themselves in agony!

Its like the world itself is unhappy. Lately i’ve come to realise that there is no such thing called happiness. I wonder where has all the happiness gone. People have a secure career, they are earning huge sums of money, they are in a steady relationship, they have a healthy family, a secure future and yet they demand more. Why are we humans so greedy? Why can’t we be satisfied with what we have? Every time i try sharing my problems with a person, he/she makes me realize that my problems are nothing in front of the problems they have to face. And instead of finding a solution to my miseries, i start worrying about them.

I’ve made mistakes, but may be those mistakes were the only way for me to move ahead. But this time, i am stuck. I can’t see a way out. I am just waiting, and i don’t even know what am i waiting for. Truly speaking its been 7 years, and i am still waiting, for that true happiness, the one when we are truly happy from the heart.

Is this life? Is this how it is supposed to be?

What do you think? What should I do?

Here’s the song in my mind right now:

Thehri si sehmi si hai zindagi udne do
Behti nadi se thodi si nami chunne do
Khamosi sunne do
Khwabon ko bunne do
Hatheliyon pe likhi daastan badalne do…