Its been a long time, a really long time since i was happy. I’ve been at home for almost 9 months now, a time enough for a baby to develop, but i am stuck at a place. I am living a stagnant life. If you put aside my trips to hospitals, i’ve never really been to any place. I’ve not met anyone in these 9 months, no friends, no new person, absolutely no one except my siblings sometimes. I had decided not to write about my life here, but sometime s i just can’t help it. I’ve to let it out. Its not that i am living a sad life, no its not like that, i am actually living a royal life. I mean i get up at 11 am each morning, i eat, i drink, i watch TV, i stroll in my garden,pick up fresh vegetables, and that’s it. But this is not the way to live for a 22 year old young girl, who has passed out of college 9 months ago. Its not that i am gloomy or anything, but i am unhappy. Yes, that’s the thing, i am just unhappy.
Its like i am stuck at one place while the world is busy walking ahead. And i’ve no one to share my feelings with. There is no one to guide me. I am just alone. And the people in my life are themselves unhappy. An ailing mother who is more worried about my career than her life, i can’t share my fears with her, she might die tomorrow and i would regret everything i said. A big brother, who has everything in his life, job, education,life partner but is unhappy with something which i’ve no idea about. A sister, who is married so i can’t bug her with my problems. Friends who have jobs, money or are in colleges,yet they call me to cry about their life. What am i supposed to do? What’s the use of crying in front of those people who are themselves in agony!
Its like the world itself is unhappy. Lately i’ve come to realise that there is no such thing called happiness. I wonder where has all the happiness gone. People have a secure career, they are earning huge sums of money, they are in a steady relationship, they have a healthy family, a secure future and yet they demand more. Why are we humans so greedy? Why can’t we be satisfied with what we have? Every time i try sharing my problems with a person, he/she makes me realize that my problems are nothing in front of the problems they have to face. And instead of finding a solution to my miseries, i start worrying about them.
I’ve made mistakes, but may be those mistakes were the only way for me to move ahead. But this time, i am stuck. I can’t see a way out. I am just waiting, and i don’t even know what am i waiting for. Truly speaking its been 7 years, and i am still waiting, for that true happiness, the one when we are truly happy from the heart.
Is this life? Is this how it is supposed to be?
What do you think? What should I do?
Here’s the song in my mind right now:
Thehri si sehmi si hai zindagi udne do
Behti nadi se thodi si nami chunne do
Khamosi sunne do
Khwabon ko bunne do
Hatheliyon pe likhi daastan badalne do…