It’s been a week, a whole week since I faced my first rejection, you know the feeling when you don’t see your name on a list and your heart shatters, the moment when are waiting for a miracle only to realize that miracles are nothing but a myth. Well, to be honest I wasn’t that shattered after facing the results. I kind of knew that I won’t be able to make it. But it would be wrong to say that I wasn’t hoping, we humans have a tendency to expect miracles, expect something out of the blue, and I was a little disappointed after waiting for hours and hours only to not see my name over there, especially after seeing the beautiful campus of IIT Madras. One dreams of going to a college like that, I even spotted a deer in that campus, and it was an awesome experience. Anyways, I am okay now, especially because the long, tiring trip is over.
Well, on a different note, I learnt a lot many things during this trip. Have you ever felt sorry for other people more than for yourself? I kind of felt that. I mean, I met so many people who were so passionate about their fields of research or education, and they couldn’t make it, just like me, they were disappointed to see the results. But unlike me, they were so much more deserving. I could see the passion in their eyes, the desire to create something new. There was this guy who knew everything about cells, he was insanely passionate about the cell cycle, the way he was talking about cells reminded me of the way I talk about dance, or some social issues. And yet, he wasn’t selected. There was another guy, whom I knew from my college days, and who has done many projects under cancer research, has scored 98 percentile in GATE yet he couldn’t get through IIT. All my college life, I hated that guy, I found him rude, arrogant, and proud but that day, the moment I saw the gloom on his face after seeing the result, I pitied that guy. For the first time in my life, I felt sorry for him. He deserved better things in life, more than me, more than anyone I knew but life is cruel, and so he has to struggle.
On my flight back to Delhi, I met this guy who was extremely passionate about design. He was working in an IT company but was trying hard to get out of that place to pursue a design course. While we were talking about our lives, and our struggle to find a place in this competitive Indian education system, and the role luck plays in it he told me an interesting thing, he said that someone, at some point of time must have worked hard for those people whom we call lucky today. Isn’t it true? We say that this fellow is very lucky, he is rich, he gets things easily blah blah, but someone, his father, his forefathers would have worked hard to bring him to this point. They would have struggled to make money, to set up businesses, to be well enough to promise a comfortable future to their generations ahead. And if we are struggling now, to find a way, to create something, we are probably doing so to secure the future of our upcoming generations. We can’t get lucky without hard work, someone has to work hard, either us, someone from our past or one from the future.
These words from a stranger and the fact that I am not the only one, who is struggling, made me feel better but somehow, the trip left me feeling uneasy too. I met, these passionate guys, who talked so beautifully about things they wanted to do in their lives, they talked about ideas, their struggles, their strategies, I, on the other hand was the one without any plans, there was nothing I knew I could talk so passionately about. I found myself to be an aimless, passionless person.
I still don’t know what I want to do in my life. I am lost, and I’ve no desire to find a way. Is it normal? I am waiting for something to happen, I don’t know what is it… Just something, that makes me feel alive.
Is it wrong to say that I am on the pursuit of somethingness? What do you feel?
Image from here.