This morning when I woke up I prayed to God to either let me disappear or to let me die. There was nothing but fear in my mind, fear of going to college, a place I have started to resent because of the attitude of people I am usually surrounded by: teachers whose sole aim is to insult students in whatever way they can, seniors who treat us like slaves, research which is solely dependent on how well can you flatter people. I didn’t realize when tears started streaming down my face on my way to college. The only thing I wanted to do was to turn and run away from everything.
But it has not been this way all this time…
It has been nine months since I joined college, and I was happy for a major part of it. I had friends like never before, I was evolving mentally, coming out of my pessimistic attitude, trying to accept things as they were. I was happy. I wrote less, and that’s the best proof of my happiness (I can write only when I am unhappy).
I was happy…
But this morning, after finishing two semesters of my post graduation, I found myself googling this,
” What to do when you realize you chose the wrong career?”
To say that this was a sudden realization would be wrong. I always knew this. I never liked what I was studying, and I wasn’t brave enough to quit. I had just assumed that I would start liking what I do with time but that didn’t happen. I saw people planning to do PhD while I cringed at the mere thought of studying further.
And this morning when I realized that I have to struggle one more year to get a degree I actually don’t want, I cried, thinking about all the wrong decisions I took in my life.
Knowing what you don’t want to do in life but not knowing what you actually want to do in life is a really bad thing. Trust me.
The day didn’t end in a depressing note though. While I was in my department, a junior whom I had met only once before asked me out for coffee. So, this was actually the first time when a guy younger to me really asked me out. And well, I did go out with him and we talked endlessly about all the things we have done in our life, our hobbies and dreams, our love lives, about how he liked older women and I liked younger men. haha… it was fun.
The evening was spent with my student, a girl I teach biology. We had met after almost a month, and she was really happy to see me. She told me how much she missed me all this time. When I look at her, I see my younger self: A girl who wants to go to Bombay to act but is forced to study Science so that she can get into IIT or any good medical college. That’s how dreams are shattered in our country, by two devils named Engineering and Medical.
Our lives as I can now see are filled with days like these, that start with hopelessness, chaos but end with the feeling of being missed, and loved by somebody. Life is always a balance between good and bad, its up to us to decide what we want to store in our memories.
I decided to go with the good things, and leave the rest to my destiny. I’ll face it as it comes.
Free is all you gotta be
Dream dreams no one else can see
Sometimes you wanna run away
But you never know what might be comin’ round your way
Yeah yeah yeah
‘Coz on a day like today, the whole world could change
The sun’s gonna shine, shine through the rain
On a day like today