The Tale Of A Broken Dream

As far as I remember I have always seen my mother struggling with a disease or two. Even before I was born, the valves in her heart didn’t work properly. Then there was always the case of hyper acidity and migraine that never let food remain in her stomach (and has been genetically passed onto me). Then came the disastrous paralysis attack which not only left her half dead but significantly changed my life too. Now, there is slip disc, frequent episodes of menopausal hot flashes, constant pain in her legs (reason unknown), and all the side effects of those numerous medicines that keep her alive. I have literally never seen my mom healthy, and I feel in some way because of that I never had a normal life. I know almost every doctor in town, the cute neurologist who looks great in a light green shirt, the I-have-no-time-to-breathe cardiologist, the orthopaedist who talks way too much, the old ENT specialist who has a big white house, you get the picture, I know way too many doctors.

 I stayed in Bangalore for seven years and I visited almost every hospital one could name. Manipal hospital is my favourite because I believe it is where my mother got her second life, even though only half of her body worked but she survived and got better. It was the last year of school and during the last three months I spent numerous evenings at Manipal hospital. I would sit by the stairs and practice mathematics. We would eat dinner from the hospital canteen when my sister didn’t feel like cooking. I skipped school almost every day but my teachers didn’t care much as skipping school was allowed for the “good students” so that they can prepare well at home for the Board examinations. I mostly spent my time watching television because it took my mind away from my dying mother. By the time she became healthy enough to live, I had almost lost everything. I messed up my Boards, all my entrance exams and any chance to have a normal career.

For eleven years from Class 1 to 11th, one would always see me on stage collecting my report card, prizes, merit scholarships amidst claps and cheers but in that last year, the year that mattered the most, whoosh…. everything was gone…. Just like that…. All my dreams shattered. In a flash …

I missed getting into a medical college by a single mark.

Counselling day. Rank number called. With a smile on my face I go ahead. He asks me to sign. I search frantically for a pen. He says, “sorry, last seat thi,chali gayi”. And I start crying.

Seven years have passed by but I go back to that moment all over again. There are so many what ifs in my mind…

What if the attack hadn’t happened? What if the 17 year old me wasn’t forced into a career she didn’t like? What if they had given me one more chance? What if I wasn’t so arrogant and angry with everything?

He gave me my mother…. He took away my dream.

I need to do something for those eleven years, for those years when I knew what I wanted, when I was determined enough to overcome any obstacle in my way to success. I need to forgive my parents. I need to forgive myself for not trying hard enough. As I sit here and see my mother trying to sleep in spite of a terrible headache I need to find a new dream and let go of the old one. I can’t carry the burden of that broken dream anymore. I can’t let it ruin the rest of my life.

I have to move on.

P.S. Writing is therapy. I feel better.

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24 thoughts on “The Tale Of A Broken Dream

  1. Many of us go through such experiences. If i tell you about myself, you won’t believe it! Or about a friend of mine, whose husband died in a road accident just when she was pregnant with their first child.
    However, life should move on, for us to look at positives and be hopeful.

    Btw for the Migraine, my mother used to have severe one for many years and tried every possible treatment you can think of. Finally, Pranayam helped.
    You can read my post on the same here:
    https://singhalalok.wordpress.com/2015/05/09/blissful-yoga/

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    • Hey… I really feel like an idiot now for writing that post because I know my suffering is nothing compared to so many other people who go through so much more than that. But I had to get those feelings out of my system and i ended up writing it all here. If I wasn’t so confused about my career I would have probably forgotten about all this a long time ago.
      I am sorry to hear about your friend. 😦
      As for the migraine, it is almost under control as I undertook treatment for few months. I get it occasionally now, and it’s much easier to deal with it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • No no, it is good that you posted and it would help you, as we all get relief after venting out what is inside.

        For migraine, I would suggest still do yoga and all…it can only do good.

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  2. Reading about your struggle took me down the memory lane ….I too was a medical student and but I was not that topper kind 😉 just an average student 🙂 but yet I dreamed of being a doctor 🙂 From god’s grace everyone was fine in my family 🙂 and my parents even gave me 1 year for preparation but I was not able to make it 😦 So i left my career on my parents and did what they thought best for me 🙂 currently I am working as an S/w engineer ..married and living a happy life 🙂 Now when I look back at my past I think that failure happened to teach me the best lesson of my life 🙂 It taught me you may not get everything you set your heart at but you get something that you deserve to get 🙂 God is gracious 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Even I underwent a similar experience on my final year of Engineering. My mother was diagnosed with 3rd stage colon cancer and everything came to a halt for me. I could not appear for any of the campus recruitment and eventually came out as a jobless engineer. I had to struggle a lot for 5-6 months but with time everything turned out well. My mother got cured and she is currently absolutely fine after 11 years of getting detected. So always remember tough time does not last tough people do. I am sure you are very tough as situations will evidently make and I thank almighty to have given me the tough time because it made me clear who were my real well wisher. Lastly yes writing is a great way to feel lighter inside.

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    • Well my friends find me pretty tough and strong. They have always looked up to me for advice, suggestions and even saving them from bullies. and I guess it’s because of all those things I had to go through in life. I may be professionally lost but I do know how to deal with other things. A friend of mine recently told me that, Mona I never pitied you because I knew that you can handle anything that comes your way. And trust me it was such a good thing to hear about myself.
      I am glad you shared your story here. there are stories like yours that give me hope that someday may be my life would turn out well and I’ll find my way. 🙂

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    • Ah…well.. I get these mood swings like a pregnant lady!! 😛 I wrote that post, let it all out, and went back to my happy self again. 🙂 I use writing as therapy so you would mostly see these depressing posts here. Don’t worry about it.
      “The best is yet to come. ” just reading this makes me feel so happy.

      Liked by 1 person

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  5. You know what, reading about what your mother went through was bad but last few lines lit me up. I remembered our last conversation.. and I’m really happy that instead of cribbing about your past (Am I sounding rude with this word- cribbing???? Sorry but I really want you to move on in a definite direction) you are all set to move on.. you gotta do that and you can.. even you know this.. then why not to give it a sincere try! All the best!

    Take care of Aunty and your family! God bless!

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