Meanwhile In Life…

I have been away from a lot of things (including this blog) for a really long time. Almost two years have passed since I properly wrote anything here. And those two years of my life were spent in Delhi, the city of dreams for many unemployed people like me. In 2015, after finishing my post graduation, I stepped into the task of preparing for the civil services examinations. For those of you who don’t know about it, it is almost a year long examination conducted in three stages where around a million students compete for some of the most coveted jobs in our country.

 So I gave my first attempt in 2016 and surprisingly passed the preliminary examination. When you spend your whole life believing that you are nothing as compared to others, passing even the preliminary stage of one the toughest exam in the world feels like an achievement. That joy lasted for one day as I faced the difficult task of writing the mains examination in December 2016. Those were the toughest 3 months of my life. I spent around 17-18 hours a day studying. I don’t think I had ever read so many things as I did in those 3 months. But in my mind, I think I had already given up. I went on to write the examinations with almost zero confidence. As expected I failed in the exam. By February 2017 I had almost spent 2 years of my life and gained zero result. The worst part is I was too scared to start again. Anyway I spent quite a few months ignoring life, books and everything. I procrastinated a lot and spent days doing really nothing. Reality hit me hard when I realized that the exam for 2017 is coming closer and I am still grieving for 2016.

Well, I started studying again and in all possible ways I had studied more than what I had studied in 2016. But I don’t think it’s just my time yet. I didn’t do well in the preliminary exam conducted a fortnight ago. Though results are not out yet, but I know I am out of the race this year. And thus another year goes down the drain.

What can I say! From two weeks I have been contemplating the reasons for my existence. I don’t know where I went wrong in life. I just don’t know why happiness eludes me. It may all sound depressing but I can say that I am not depressed. These are just questions I encounter when I start thinking about my life.

I know that I was the one who wanted this; the bigger your dreams are, the bigger the struggle. But yes, sometimes you are allowed to mourn over failure. And that is what I am doing.

Anyway I did clear the preliminary round of my state civil services exam (different from the national level exam) and have to start preparing for that, so my mourning period would have to end very soon.

The struggle hasn’t ended. Some people are lucky enough to learn many lessons in life and I can say that I am one among them. I have never had anything for free. I have shed my sweat, blood and tears for everything I have ever achieved in life and would continue to do so.

Few lines by Ernest Hemingway keeps me going,

Life is unpredictable,

It changes with the seasons,

Even your coldest winter,

Happens for the best of reasons,

And though it feels eternal,

Like all you’ll ever do is freeze,

I promise spring is coming,

And with it, brand new leaves.”

 

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22 thoughts on “Meanwhile In Life…

  1. I understand how it feels when you have given enough to achieve your dream. But let’s not lose hope… Your never giving up attitude is your strength and I wish you will succeed soon in achieving your dream. Also I congratulate you for clearing the state prelims exam and wishing you all the very best for the mains… Best wishes…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hard work always pays.. May not be immediately ..but it does pay

    My best wishes always and god willing you will make through for sure..

    Life is unpredictable.. yes.. but that’s why it’s worth liv8ng without all the ups and downs it will be tooo bland ..

    Take care and all the best…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thankfully life has never been bland for me… Chain se jeene hi nhi deti zindagi.. bhagaye ja rahi hai..!!
      Thanks for your wishes… ☺ Hope you are well…

      Like

      • You’re welcome…
        When I was preparing , the biggest support was the love of learning new things and subjects… That’s precisely what helped me to continue the journey..

        Do take care and enjoy

        Like

      • And I guess that’s the reason you cleared the exam… I have so much respect for people who finally succed in clearing this exam. Being on the same journey I have realised how much hard work and persistence is required to get a rank here…
        When I was reading all the books for the first I really enjoyed the process. I kept on wondering why I didn’t study arts all my life. But to be honest right now I am kind of bored of the same books. I have to write state mains exam and i feel so lethargic to go through the same thing again. Hoping to find my momentum soon. Can’t afford to be lazy… 😢

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much for the respect… but once you get into the service, you will realise that earning respect is the biggest challenge… being a 27 year old guy … with all my powers authorities… it’s difficult to deal with people who are 50 plus with loads of experience..

        Btw… Pls don’t give up… because sanm book often gives different information every time… rereading is the ultimate key but only when we are making it relevant…

        My best wishes for your IAS & state PCS… don’t give up… that’s the easiest thing over can do.. I’m sure that you’re not one of them … otherwise you would not opted for this challenge at the first place..

        Take care!!

        Like

      • Yeah… Clearing the exam is just the first hurdle.. I guess the work is full of more challenges.. I have read your posts about all the places where you went for training.. and it gave me an idea of how tough it’s gonna be once you clear the exam.
        I wish you luck .. hope you clear all the challenges and succeed at your workplace. 👍
        And it’s too late for me to give up now. Ab daldal mai phans hi gye toh nikalne k liye ladna hi pdega. Thank you… ☺

        Like

      • Thank you for reading my posts.. it really means a lot.. I believe this preparation helps us to build a no non sense character and instills that approach during training..

        Haan, ladna aur ladte rehne mein hi jeet chupi hain.. umeed hain ki aap jitni jaldi ho sake service mein aaiye aur desh ko contribute karein!!

        Wishes!!

        Liked by 1 person

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