I have been away from a lot of things (including this blog) for a really long time. Almost two years have passed since I properly wrote anything here. And those two years of my life were spent in Delhi, the city of dreams for many unemployed people like me. In 2015, after finishing my post graduation, I stepped into the task of preparing for the civil services examinations. For those of you who don’t know about it, it is almost a year long examination conducted in three stages where around a million students compete for some of the most coveted jobs in our country.
So I gave my first attempt in 2016 and surprisingly passed the preliminary examination. When you spend your whole life believing that you are nothing as compared to others, passing even the preliminary stage of one the toughest exam in the world feels like an achievement. That joy lasted for one day as I faced the difficult task of writing the mains examination in December 2016. Those were the toughest 3 months of my life. I spent around 17-18 hours a day studying. I don’t think I had ever read so many things as I did in those 3 months. But in my mind, I think I had already given up. I went on to write the examinations with almost zero confidence. As expected I failed in the exam. By February 2017 I had almost spent 2 years of my life and gained zero result. The worst part is I was too scared to start again. Anyway I spent quite a few months ignoring life, books and everything. I procrastinated a lot and spent days doing really nothing. Reality hit me hard when I realized that the exam for 2017 is coming closer and I am still grieving for 2016.
Well, I started studying again and in all possible ways I had studied more than what I had studied in 2016. But I don’t think it’s just my time yet. I didn’t do well in the preliminary exam conducted a fortnight ago. Though results are not out yet, but I know I am out of the race this year. And thus another year goes down the drain.
What can I say! From two weeks I have been contemplating the reasons for my existence. I don’t know where I went wrong in life. I just don’t know why happiness eludes me. It may all sound depressing but I can say that I am not depressed. These are just questions I encounter when I start thinking about my life.
I know that I was the one who wanted this; the bigger your dreams are, the bigger the struggle. But yes, sometimes you are allowed to mourn over failure. And that is what I am doing.
Anyway I did clear the preliminary round of my state civil services exam (different from the national level exam) and have to start preparing for that, so my mourning period would have to end very soon.
The struggle hasn’t ended. Some people are lucky enough to learn many lessons in life and I can say that I am one among them. I have never had anything for free. I have shed my sweat, blood and tears for everything I have ever achieved in life and would continue to do so.
Few lines by Ernest Hemingway keeps me going,
“Life is unpredictable,
It changes with the seasons,
Even your coldest winter,
Happens for the best of reasons,
And though it feels eternal,
Like all you’ll ever do is freeze,
I promise spring is coming,
And with it, brand new leaves.”