A Foolproof Guide to Women’s Safety in India

  1. Never step out of home at odd hours, not after sunset, not before sunrise. Only Surya Dev is responsible for your safety not the police.Screenshot_2017-08-08-00-26-18-452_com.android.chrome[1]
  2. Don’t dress provocativelysalwar-kameez and saree makes you invisible to the prying eyes of good sanskari men. Be conscious and never let your duppata or pallu slip. Chunni hati, durghatana ghati!
  3. If you are eve-teased/stalked/harassed/raped, don’t go to the police station, you are inviting more wrath on yourself. Just forgive and forget.
  4. If you are driving and being followed don’t use your phone and call anyone for help. It’s a crime to talk on the phone and drive. Give up your life/dignity but never break the laws of the land. Chances are you’ll be serving a severe sentence than the guys stalking you.Screenshot_2017-08-08-00-19-45-610_com.twitter.android[1]
  5. Don’t be friends with a guy; you are sending an open invite to people to harass you. All keys get automatic license to open a previously opened tijori. Don’t be that characterless tijori.
  6. Never entice your boss/colleague/neighbour with your sexuality. You are a woman, you aren’t supposed to be a sexual being.
  7. Don’t be poor. You are expected to give a huge dowry to the good people who are accepting you as their daughter-in-law. Don’t be stingy and force them to burn/drown/shoot you.
  8. Don’t say no. As per Bollywood’s first law of attraction, a girl’s no is actually a yes so just go along with anything that is expected from you as a wife/girlfriend. Always remember that marital rape is a myth.main-qimg-97304d8df59ef1534d55244fe6961973-c
  9. Don’t drink/smoke/ party.
  10. Don’t wear heels/make-up.
  11. Don’t use mobiles/internet.
  12. Don’t eat chowmein.
  13. Don’t speak.
  14. Don’t see.
  15. Don’t live. 

Side note to a sperm: If by any chance you have an X-chromosome. Don’t be foolish and swim to fertilise an egg. There are very high chances that you would be killed in the womb itself. Even if you survive you’ll have to follow the above 15 points and that is too much work. Just be wise like a girl and let the mighty Y-chromosome win the race.

Thank You.

*****

*all images from newspaper headlines,twitter and google.

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