Guilty

A pigeon fell down in my balcony a few hours ago. He wasn’t moving. I went near him and felt a movement and thought may be he’s in shock and would fly away in a moment. I went back to check on him about thirty minutes later and he had moved on the floor but still wasn’t flying or even moving, just lying still. I checked his body from a distance and didn’t find any injury or any broken wings. He was just still and may be sick. I googled ways to help a sick pigeon and after a lot of research decided to put it in a warm and safe place. I cut out a box, laid out my old t-shirts in it, and carved out holes for ventilation. Next job was to try to hold the pigeon and put it in the box. And I was literally shaking. I had never held a bird in my hands before. How was I gonna capture this dying pigeon and keep it in the box. Anyway, after chanting lots of mantras I held the pigeon using a soft cloth and put it in a box. I thought to keep it that way till morning and wait for the bird to recover and then try to take it to a vet or something. I had no idea if vets in India treat birds or whatever but that was something to worry about in the morning. The pigeon looked peaceful and I left it to feel safe and warm. Around an hour later I heard him flapping his wings. I ran to check on him. He was breathing heavily and acting so weird. I thought may be he’s trying to fly away and the box is interrupting his wings. I didn’t know what to do so I took him out of the box. He was acting all weird, like he gave up on his body, his neck was drooping and he couldn’t stand on his feet. I tried to keep a bowl of water near his beak but he didn’t try to drink any water. I didn’t have a syringe or dropper with me. So I cut out a piece of cloth, made an electrolyte solution using salt and sugar and tried to drop it onto his beak.

But he died.

He just died. He’s not moving. He has just given up. No movement. Nothing. Still. Gone.

And I feel guilty. I should have just left him as he was. Why on earth did I try to become a vet? I can’t sleep. Its 3 am.

And he’s dead. Four days ago, Sridevi died and I couldn’t sleep whole night. It wasn’t like I was a big fan of the actress or anything but it was just shocking. Not something you expect to read right before you sleep, that a middle aged actress died suddenly, just like that.

This morning, my ex-classmate passed away. A young, budding entrepreneur, an innovator, a guy who had worked and founded many NGOs to help children…gone too soon. Just like that.

And now this pigeon. I know it is just a pigeon but I am tired of death. It is just unfair. Life doesn’t make sense. I tried to do a good deed but now I feel so guilty.

I wish I could help him.