Guilty

A pigeon fell down in my balcony a few hours ago. He wasn’t moving. I went near him and felt a movement and thought may be he’s in shock and would fly away in a moment. I went back to check on him about thirty minutes later and he had moved on the floor but still wasn’t flying or even moving, just lying still. I checked his body from a distance and didn’t find any injury or any broken wings. He was just still and may be sick. I googled ways to help a sick pigeon and after a lot of research decided to put it in a warm and safe place. I cut out a box, laid out my old t-shirts in it, and carved out holes for ventilation. Next job was to try to hold the pigeon and put it in the box. And I was literally shaking. I had never held a bird in my hands before. How was I gonna capture this dying pigeon and keep it in the box. Anyway, after chanting lots of mantras I held the pigeon using a soft cloth and put it in a box. I thought to keep it that way till morning and wait for the bird to recover and then try to take it to a vet or something. I had no idea if vets in India treat birds or whatever but that was something to worry about in the morning. The pigeon looked peaceful and I left it to feel safe and warm. Around an hour later I heard him flapping his wings. I ran to check on him. He was breathing heavily and acting so weird. I thought may be he’s trying to fly away and the box is interrupting his wings. I didn’t know what to do so I took him out of the box. He was acting all weird, like he gave up on his body, his neck was drooping and he couldn’t stand on his feet. I tried to keep a bowl of water near his beak but he didn’t try to drink any water. I didn’t have a syringe or dropper with me. So I cut out a piece of cloth, made an electrolyte solution using salt and sugar and tried to drop it onto his beak.

But he died.

He just died. He’s not moving. He has just given up. No movement. Nothing. Still. Gone.

And I feel guilty. I should have just left him as he was. Why on earth did I try to become a vet? I can’t sleep. Its 3 am.

And he’s dead. Four days ago, Sridevi died and I couldn’t sleep whole night. It wasn’t like I was a big fan of the actress or anything but it was just shocking. Not something you expect to read right before you sleep, that a middle aged actress died suddenly, just like that.

This morning, my ex-classmate passed away. A young, budding entrepreneur, an innovator, a guy who had worked and founded many NGOs to help children…gone too soon. Just like that.

And now this pigeon. I know it is just a pigeon but I am tired of death. It is just unfair. Life doesn’t make sense. I tried to do a good deed but now I feel so guilty.

I wish I could help him.

8 thoughts on “Guilty

  1. 😞but don’t feel guilty about it! You made last moment of that bird comfortable! Anyway he was going to die! In my building thousands of pigeon reside and every other day in cold season we found one or two of them dying some old but few young one too. Earlier we used to save them.by doing many manoeuvre but none of them worked so now we try to.make there death peaceful . Give them water before their final moments and place them on comfortable base.
    So don’t feel sad you did the right thing and karma would reward you with that may be by that pigeon soul from heaven.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Life and death isn’t in our hands…you did what you could. Doing something with a good heart is better than doing nothing.
    Hope you get over that guilt of yours, because you don’t deserve it. You tried to help while many others would just ignore, and that’s amazing! Have a nice day.😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You don’t need to feel guilty, the pigeon was dying and giving him water and shelter gave him a little more peace for a few minutes. But his time has come like everyone else. No one lives forever but God.
    We all belong to God and to God is our return.
    Sometimes life can be cruel for the living, leaving us behind, but it’s part of the world’s game. We all must depart sometime,.so don’t let yourself down by thinking about it. The poor bird must.be thankful somewhere…. just learn a lesson from it: you never know.when you’ll pass away, so make today as if it was your last and be good, kind, pious, generous…. life is in the hands of God

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  4. I get your feeling, it’s sometimes hard to understand things, I have felt guilty so many times after some one’s death, death creates a vacuum inside you and its normal to feel the lost and guilt of it. But as time passes by you tend to move on and learn to adjust. I think that’s what life is all about 🙂 Feeling all kind of emotions is important for us as humans 🙂 I hope you are ok now 🙂 I once wrote two blogs on death , they were more on philosophical side with my memories of seeing someone die, if you get time do read them ,please do. Its named “FALLEN THINGS”.

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