Have you ever noticed when a celebrity commits suicide, there is a flood of comments on social media by fans or friends like
- Wish we had known he/she was depressed, we could have saved him
- Oh, his/her songs were all about how he was feeling, why didn’t we notice it earlier
- He/she should have talked about it
I don’t think anyone really understands what goes on inside the mind of a depressed person. Most people do talk about the hardships they are going through but I guess the world just fail to notice it. We hear things, but we don’t really listen!
I would be lying if I say that I don’t think about dying. I do. No, I am not exactly suicidal but sometimes “the end” seems like a fair option. The worst part however is, it is just not a viable option for me. Some days ago I read a quote on twitter that said, “When you give up on life, you don’t end the pain, you just transfer it to someone else”, and I don’t want to be the reason for someone’s pain. And to be honest, after spending so many years struggling with life, I don’t want to give up now. What if I die without seeing any happiness in life? What a waste of life it would be! Whatever tough times I am going through, these won’t last forever right! What if I accept darkness right before dawn! Matlab yaar, jiye bina hi mar gayi toh kya fayda?
This is what I think majority of the times.
And then, there are other days, those that brings another failure, that crush another hope and my mind goes into a negative spiral. What if I am supposed to be a failure all my life? What if this darkness consumes me entirely? It doesn’t help that the guy is going through similar stuff and is stuck in a more complicated spiral than me. And so when both of us feel low, we talk about death, and then we laugh and then we plan and then we laugh again. What a twisted sad little couple we are! And because among the two of us, I read more stuff on the internet than him (and is more woke) so I inspire him with little anecdotes like,
- We have reached so low that the only way now is Up…
- There is always a storm before the rainbow…
- It is darkest before the dawn…
Blah blah blah…
And so, I take upon myself the unfathomable task of keeping two people alive, hopeful and happy with what they have.
And while doing so, I get to talk to nobody. I am not complaining about this, neither am I saying that people have abandoned me. To be honest, I have abandoned others. I don’t know if any of you relate to this but I feel like as we grow older, we just lose the connection we used to have with our old friends/acquaintances. I just don’t connect to anybody anymore. Even if I try to tell someone how I feel, I know that I am being judged rather than being understood. And so I tread alone…
Jodi tor dak sune keu na ashe,
Tobe ekla cholo re…
(If no one answers your call, then walk alone …)
And so, I turn to this blog to let my heart out, to tell you that I am suffering and however hard I try not to write sappy stuff out here, I fail to do so. I don’t want to write these things here because several of my friends know about this blog. I don’t know if anyone among them still reads it, but I don’t want to let them know about the state I am in right now. Call it my ego or whatever, I don’t want anyone’s sympathy, especially the people who actually think they know me in real life. I don’t think people who go through tough times, want to be sympathised for it. They may want to be understood but isn’t that a lot to expect in this kalyug!
Anyway, this is it with my rant! I am okay. Okay is a word I relate to a lot. It says so much without actually saying anything.
This was not a call for help. This was just a way for my future self to know that life sucked big time in my past but it’ll all be worth it in the end.
Or agar end mai sab okay na ho, to wo end nahi hai, picture abhi baaki hai mere dost….