2018: The Beginning

When I was home in the last few months, I went through my old diaries, the first being as old as 15 years. Somehow, preteen Mona chose 2018 as the year she would finally settle down. She had written down every thing she would want to have by the year 2018. She had dreams of being a good looking doctor (influenced by a medical drama on TV) , working in a big city, and even being married. She had even decided the names of her future kids.

Present Mona is laughing right now, realizing that 2018 is an hour away and none of those dreams came true. And how she’s no where close to that ‘settle down’ phase. And also a little worried that she has forgotten the names of her unborn children.

Well, I would like to tell my 12 year old self is that even though none of those plans worked out, life is fine. And right now, even being okay is okay. If one dream fizzles out, you can always dream again. And even if life doesn’t make any sense right now, someday it will. There have been lots of regrets, heartbreaks, failures all these years but every single moment has only led you to your true self. You aren’t successful in societal terms, but after years of being lost, you are finally getting to know yourself & your true desires, and even though you have nothing, you aren’t as insane as you were a few years ago.

Everyday is a new beginning. Keep moving on…

Happy New Year to my WordPress Family. May your year be filled with laughter and magical moments. I hope you visit places you have always dreamed of, kiss someone you find adorable. I hope you find courage to live your dreams, make mistakes and learn from them. I hope you sing, and dance with joy. I wish life showers you with wonderful surprises. Have a great year. 😊





What If…

there is no God? Or nothing called destiny? This question has terrified me several times. Many sociologists believed that religion was invented to mislead us into believing that life is well and if it is not, it’ll either get better or you would go to heaven and have an awesome afterlife. If you are suffering today, it is either because of your misdeeds in the previous birth or because you are going to reincarnate and lead a great life ahead.

Religion, Malinowski believed is nothing but a source of hope and relief, a way to alleviate anxiety. I didn’t give this much thought before but now, when I feel like I have nothing to believe in, it makes me very anxious. The only thing that keeps me going in moments of despair is this thought that I am a good person, so God must have written something substantial in my future. I console myself every single time that good things are nearby, that I must wait for my destiny to unfurl a glorious life. Whenever someone comments things like there is no God or that no one is watching over you, a shiver runs through my entire body.

I am not much of a religious person. I used to be one, few years back but slowly I stopped participating in rituals, going to temples (unless absolutely necessary), or do anything practically religious. But I have always believed that there is some kind of superpower that is looking after us. That, we get the things we deserve, that good things happen to good people. But sometimes, something happens and I feel like if there was a God, such things shouldn’t have happened. And slowly, panic sets in. Questions, like what if all this is a sham clouds my mind.

I think about Marx and his famous quote, “Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people” and wonder what if I am high on God, and what if  life is nothing but an endless struggle where no door is ever going to open up for me.

I really want to believe in SOMETHING. Something that keeps me going…

The Virushka Wedding and my Love for Gossip…

I realized I have no friends when yesterday I had literally no one to talk about the Virushka wedding. So, Virat Kohli used to be my celebrity crush back when I was young, he was young, we were all young. (Disclaimer: I am not that old) Though I crushed my crush way back, yet as soon as the wedding pictures came into social media I had this huge urge to discuss everything right from Anushka’s beautiful lehenga, the precious smiles on both their faces, the lovely wedding venue and the cute engagement video with another human. I let myself go yesterday in the world of leaked pictures and all the gossip behind them.


I used to be a shy and reserved girl in my under grad. I would never talk to guys and keep myself away from anything fun. Yes, I had girl friends and we used to talk a lot but it was different. I was an introvert. College ended, and so did my introversion. I was dying to go to a new place and find a new me. Luckily, I got into a good college for my post grad and met people who were so like me and I made it a point to never shy away from anything. I really enjoyed my two years of college. And I really credit my blog for that. It is here where I really learned to talk, to be myself, to actually realize what I like and what I would like to be with people. I didn’t like being a reserved person. I was like that because of where and how I was raised by my parents. I wasn’t me but was their shadow. If I didn’t like anything, it was because I was never allowed to do anything on my own. I had deep seated ideals I never wanted to break. And it is not like I don’t have any ideals now. I do. But, they are what I believe in. For instance, I am still an alcohol virgin; because I choose to be so, because that is one path I would never like to tread on.

So, blogging actually made me a chatter box. But for the last two years, I actually made no new friends. The only new people I met were my flat mates with whom I had nothing in common and then some friends of my guy (who is the biggest introvert I know). And my old friends, well some got married, some are pregnant, some have kids, some got married and forgot to invite me despite me being their agony aunt for several years. Basically, everyone had moved on from the days where we would talk about celebrity weddings.

This left no one but my guy. He has chosen to stay with me despite seeing me at all levels of craziness. So, I bugged him for hours, sent him screenshots of the wedding from social media, and ohhhed and aaahed at how beautiful everything was. Midway our conversation he reminded me that just yesterday at lunch I had listed twenty things about why marriages are stupid and a waste of money and how I used to like wedding pictures earlier but find them too pretentious now especially with people posing like movie stars and mimicking fairytales.

Well, I admit I said those things but I think I might want to tweak my theory a little bit. Marriage is stupid but not for Virat and Anushka. And when they pose for pictures, they aren’t actually posing; they are stars in real life. Their life is actually a fairytale. It is mortals like us, who suffer after spending hefty amounts on one wedding. According to a study, an average Indian spends about one fifth of the wealth accumulated in his lifetime over one wedding ceremony. So, I am not entirely wrong.

Anyway, I hope by writing it all here, I have managed to suppress my urge to gossip. I could go back to being normal now. The only other news that could break my gossip hibernation is if Salman Khan decides to get married and I don’t see that happening anytime in the near future.

(I had no intention to hurt people who are married/ or would like to get married. These are entirely my thoughts, conditioned by all the screwed up marriages I have seen around me. Don’t let my thoughts bother you.)

Black and White Photo Challenge #6


This was my room for almost two years. I assure you that I am as messed up as this room. And at  the present date I am actually homeless, not in the literal sense but in a certain way . ( I am staying with my brother’s family which is worse than being homeless) Looking for a cheap, rented room in Delhi is hard. I made a mistake when I left this room as this was  a heaven compared to all the pigeon holes I have been seeing lately. Plus this room was just in front of the metro and at a very cheap price. The room hunt has been very disappointing till now. I don’t know when I will be able to completely settle down and sit in a place to study again. I miss my old room. How much ever a mess it was, it really felt like home there. Presently I have more questions than answers in my life. And I have no idea where I am going to end up. 🤔

Black and White Photo Challenge #5

A sane person would have posted a beautiful, colored picture of a rainbow but because I am anything but sane, I thought of posting a black and white photo of a rainbow. 

Life could be a little cruel sometimes. It could take away your best quality, your best feautures, everything you are ever known for but that doesn’t mean that you stop being beautiful, that you aren’t worth anything. I have doubted myself a million times, I have hated myself for things that weren’t in my control, I have been hard on myself but I am still here. Still struggling, still going on. I don’t know where this path leads me, but I am keeping my fingers crossed. I may have lost my colors but life isn’t over yet. There is a long way to go.