I’d Rather Be…
Waking up as the first rays of sun pour into my bedroom,
and watch this little one go moo moo first thing in the morning.
Or make my knees green by rolling in these grass fields
and sometimes build hay stakes on the hill slopes.
Spend the noon counting unripe mangoes on the tree I planted in my childhood,
and plucking strawberries from our garden,
Or may be look around for wild berries in the jungle.
I would watch the sparrows perched on our wooden terrace,
and build a scarecrow to fly them away from the crop.
I would spend the evening listening to the sound the river makes as it flows down the valley,
and wait for another day in this place I once called Home.
I wanted to write about change, in seasons or in time,
or how bad days are always followed up by
not-so-bad days, or even good days.
But I am not so sure now,
for there is no sign of spring
this fog never descends and the cold has embraced me.
Winter has fallen in love with me,
and may be I have fallen for it too.
And both of us don’t want this love to change.
Life goes on…
Both the images are of the same tree(Peepal or Sacred Fig) taken eight years apart. The first one was taken in 2009 while the second one last year in 2017.
यूँ माना ज़िन्दगी है चार दिन की
बहुत होते हैं यारो चार दिन भी…
When my sister called in today to ask if I am excited for my birthday, I told her no one likes to celebrate old age. Well, I used to be excited (which is a huge understatement) for my birthday until I turned twenty five. Now, this day just reminds me of how I am getting older every moment with almost none of my dreams looking to materialize in real life. The only unique thing about this birthday of mine is that I am sick since last few weeks and would spend my day sleeping and watching random videos.
I don’t like the depressing tone this post has attained so I would like to write about the things I did achieve since the time I turned twenty five. These aren’t great achievements in monetary/ professional fronts but have actually helped me in certain inexpressible ways.
- Ever since I turned eighteen I was very confident that I would never learn cooking, like never ever in my lives. Any day I entered kitchen I either broke or burned something, and thus my mom had pretty much debarred me from the kitchen. However in the past two years, I have not only learned to cook but I enjoy it. I have made chicken dishes, Chinese food, local pahadi food from scratch, and can pretty much cook anything (thanks to Youtube).
- I was a Shopaholic, like mad about buying clothes, shoes, bags during my college days, especially with the extra stipend I was getting during my PG. And I used to buy useless things; clothes I would never be comfortable wearing, shoes that hurt, and cosmetics I would never touch etc. I have now controlled my shopping urge. From being called a wasteful spender to pretty much being called a miser I have come a long way.
- Right from childhood, I never hesitated to help anyone with what I had, money, food etc except clothes. I associated memories with the clothes I wore and could never give them away even if I knew someone needed them. I don’t do that anymore. Last year I donated a number of clothes to little girls around my place and it felt good. Someday, if I become able enough to help more people in any way I can, I surely would. It somehow fees like my calling.
- I have had acne all my life. There was a time when my only goal in life was to wake up one day and see a spotless face in the mirror. I have struggled to accept my face the way it is almost my entire adult life. I have let acne run my life, like literally missing meeting friends, attending parties, events, etc because of how ugly I looked. However, slowly I am coming to terms with it. I used make up for the first time last year as I didn’t want myself to get depressed over the disheartening taunts of my relatives. But make up just made me feel more inauthentic. I never used it again. Random people in metro comment on my face and it does hurt me more than it should but I am getting better. There are people in the world who have so many things to worry about than some useless skin disorder. I can live with it.
- I have tried to improve my lifestyle in recent times. I mostly eat healthy. I am pretty sure that I am over my soft drink addiction and I have tried cutting down usage of ecologically harmful products. I wash my face with honey instead of face wash. I wash my clothes with soapnuts (reetha) instead of detergent. I try to buy organic and eco-friendly products wherever possible, especially from micro or small village industries. It not only helps me to lead a healthy life but also helps small farmers or innovators in certain ways.
- Last but not the least; I have learned to be happy. Contrary to how my blog sounds like, I am not that much of a depressed person. There was a time back in college, when I was too angry on people, on my parents, on myself for how life turned out for me even though it wasn’t half bad as it is now. I have controlled my anger to a great extent. I do have episodes of anger /depression/crying a few times even now but I calm down sooner and I don’t brood about LIFE the way I used to. I am okay.
- Oh…. how can I forget, I even learned to change diapers, not just filled with pee but poop too. This has to be my greatest achievement especially as I have no intention to be a mother ever. My mom still can’t believe that I cleaned my potty smeared nephew with my bare hands.
He seems pretty happy with me!!!
Well, I started writing this yesterday and my birthday will be over in another hour. 31/01/2018 was so different than the day I imagined it to be around a decade ago but what good it would be it life was so predictable!
To many more unpredictable, mysterious years…let’s see where life takes me!!!
When I was home in the last few months, I went through my old diaries, the first being as old as 15 years. Somehow, preteen Mona chose 2018 as the year she would finally settle down. She had written down every thing she would want to have by the year 2018. She had dreams of being a good looking doctor (influenced by a medical drama on TV) , working in a big city, and even being married. She had even decided the names of her future kids.
Present Mona is laughing right now, realizing that 2018 is an hour away and none of those dreams came true. And how she’s no where close to that ‘settle down’ phase. And also a little worried that she has forgotten the names of her unborn children.
Well, I would like to tell my 12 year old self is that even though none of those plans worked out, life is fine. And right now, even being okay is okay. If one dream fizzles out, you can always dream again. And even if life doesn’t make any sense right now, someday it will. There have been lots of regrets, heartbreaks, failures all these years but every single moment has only led you to your true self. You aren’t successful in societal terms, but after years of being lost, you are finally getting to know yourself & your true desires, and even though you have nothing, you aren’t as insane as you were a few years ago.
Everyday is a new beginning. Keep moving on…
Happy New Year to my WordPress Family. May your year be filled with laughter and magical moments. I hope you visit places you have always dreamed of, kiss someone you find adorable. I hope you find courage to live your dreams, make mistakes and learn from them. I hope you sing, and dance with joy. I wish life showers you with wonderful surprises. Have a great year. 😊
Little Santa is on his way to shower you with lots of love…. 🎄🎄
there is no God? Or nothing called destiny? This question has terrified me several times. Many sociologists believed that religion was invented to mislead us into believing that life is well and if it is not, it’ll either get better or you would go to heaven and have an awesome afterlife. If you are suffering today, it is either because of your misdeeds in the previous birth or because you are going to reincarnate and lead a great life ahead.
Religion, Malinowski believed is nothing but a source of hope and relief, a way to alleviate anxiety. I didn’t give this much thought before but now, when I feel like I have nothing to believe in, it makes me very anxious. The only thing that keeps me going in moments of despair is this thought that I am a good person, so God must have written something substantial in my future. I console myself every single time that good things are nearby, that I must wait for my destiny to unfurl a glorious life. Whenever someone comments things like there is no God or that no one is watching over you, a shiver runs through my entire body.
I am not much of a religious person. I used to be one, few years back but slowly I stopped participating in rituals, going to temples (unless absolutely necessary), or do anything practically religious. But I have always believed that there is some kind of superpower that is looking after us. That, we get the things we deserve, that good things happen to good people. But sometimes, something happens and I feel like if there was a God, such things shouldn’t have happened. And slowly, panic sets in. Questions, like what if all this is a sham clouds my mind.
I think about Marx and his famous quote, “Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people” and wonder what if I am high on God, and what if life is nothing but an endless struggle where no door is ever going to open up for me.
I really want to believe in SOMETHING. Something that keeps me going…