#Madness

Have you wondered why a butterfly has such a complex life cycle? I mean it could have been just a simple process of tiny butterflies flying out of hatched eggs, but noooooo that is just too simple for Mother Nature.

First the eggs have to be hatched so that a larva comes out.

The resulting caterpillar has to eat and eat and eat and keep on eating till is becomes huge.

Now this caterpillar has to built a cacoon around it and do other complex stuff inside so that it builds up its limbs and wings and entire body,

And finally,

Magically,

A butterfly comes out.

I am sure there is some evolutionary reason behind this tamasha but it could have been a lot easier. I mean there are around 40-45% insects which do not undergo complete metamorphosis to reproduce but look at these butterflies, they have to rub off their hard work on our faces, and all this work to reproduce. WHAT!

So, yesterday I was reading about this lady who went through dozens of failed IVF processes and several miscarriages in order to have a baby! Call me insensitive but I don’t understand this craze of organisms to produce a progeny! Now a butterfly is probably wired that way, but us humans, supposedly the most evolved animals on earth need to be a little thoughtful. I understand the human need to be parents but I don’t know how far one has to go to fulfil that. There are other ways to be parents in a world which is filled with children in need of love.

And don’t even get me started about the insane people in our country who take extreme measures to have a boy. One of my sister’s friends who already had a teenage daughter went through so many treatments in order to have a son and recently gave birth only after six and a half months of pregnancy. That baby doesn’t even weigh a single kilogram and if survives, is bound to live a difficult life. I do sympathise with them, but when I think about the inherent sexism in this entire situation, I don’t know, it hurts me a little.

Basically I started this post to talk about butterflies and post a few pictures I took today but somehow I ended up ranting about humans around me.

Hmmm…such is life!

Bangalore Rains, Bangalore Days…

I’ve had several special memories associated with rain and several of them have been in the city of Bangalore. The weather in the city was unpredictable. I remember my first day of school in Bangalore when it rained like cats and dogs and I was drenched from head to toe. I had not bought the school uniform yet, and was dressed in a light colored salwar kameez which soon turned translucent so I had to cover myself up with my dupatta. It was embarrassing, especially since it was my first day at a new school, in a completely alien city.

And then there was this time when I met an old friend after about four years. We walked around the city all day long and when it was time for me to head back to hostel, it started raining and we hugged under a bus stop near MG Road.

But the most memorable day for me was when me and my best friend went to a lake near our college. We always used to go there when either of us was sad. Sanky tank was around 3-4 km far from our college and one of those places where we would roam around, check out couples, laugh and cry about life in general. This one day, we went there and as always bought the charcoal roasted corn (bhuna bhutta) to eat as we walked around the lake. Suddenly everything went dark and it started raining heavily. We waited for an auto or a bus but the streets were almost deserted. Now my friend is kind of a chicken and she really worries about things a lot. I on the other hand try to act brave even if I am not. So we were walking in the heavy rain and I was laughing so hard over the situation, and she was cursing me non stop. I was still eating my bhutta in the rain, kind of enjoying everything while she was almost in tears.

I don’t know why this incident is so memorable to me, when clearly nothing great actually happened. I guess it is more about the kind of friendship we shared, two contrasting people, spending every day together. I can’t think of a moment I wasn’t with her in those four years of college.

Now that I think of it, even though I was never that social I always had a good friend at every phase of my life. I was never really alone. I have been lucky that way.

I really was…

I wonder how easily we forget the happier times but spend a lifetime thinking about everything that is wrong with our lives.

But then happiness is mostly counted in moments while grief in periods.

If only these good moments occurred more frequently, life would have been a little better…

Late Night Musings…

Sometimes I feel that the luckiest people in the world are those who get to sleep next to someone they love. Isn’t it such a warm feeling, to share a bed with someone you care about? To let someone be so close to you, and feel protected, like nothing could harm you as long as you lie besides this person.

I have always taunted my friends over the reasons they give me to get married ranging from society to biology but would you judge me if I tell you that the only reason I find worthy enough of this risk called marriage is to have someone to share these long, dark nights with. To have a person you want to see at the end of every day, to share all your sorrows and laughter with, to fight and make up, to have someone to wake you up when you are having a nightmare indeed sounds like a great prospect.

I guess we all need someone to feel a little less lonely… And for some of us that itself is a distant, utopian dream…

It’s A Rainy Day…

While all the major Indian cities are flooding owing to the monsoons,our town hardly got any rain this time. Thanks to global warming, the Himalayan region which used to get a lot of rainfall during the Monsoons, is usually very dry in the last few years. I mean,  people who don’t live here, would probably be shocked at reading this since you always see it in the news that so many people have died due to cloud bursts in the hilly region, and I am here saying we are not getting enough rain! Well, that’s because we don’t get that consistent rainfall we used to get before. It is either very heavy rainfall or no rain at all. I remember having 7-10 days of having non stop rainfall during my schooldays but that is not the case now.

Climate has changed so much in just the last decade, I wonder what and all we would be witnessing in my lifetime.

Anyway it rained today (thankfully), and I took out my phone to take pictures of the flowers growing in our garden.

Hibiscus flower with rain drops on it in a garden at Uttarakhand

Hibiscus

Okra flower on a rainy day

Okra (Ladies finger)

Scarlet Jungle Flame

A white rose with rain drops on it

Rose

Hibiscus

Rose

Golden Trumpet

Periwinkle

Rain does make everything more beautiful, don’t you think?

Do you like the rain? Which one is your favourite flower?

Am I boring you with so many flowers and questions? Haha

***

This Is Not The End…

Have you ever noticed when a celebrity commits suicide, there is a flood of comments on social media by fans or friends like

  • Wish we had known he/she was depressed, we could have saved him
  • Oh, his/her songs were all about how he was feeling, why didn’t we notice it earlier
  • He/she should have talked about it

I don’t think anyone really understands what goes on inside the mind of a depressed person. Most people do talk about the hardships they are going through but I guess the world just fail to notice it. We hear things, but we don’t really listen!

I would be lying if I say that I don’t think about dying. I do. No, I am not exactly suicidal but sometimes “the end” seems like a fair option. The worst part however is, it is just not a viable option for me. Some days ago I read a quote on twitter that said, “When you give up on life, you don’t end the pain, you just transfer it to someone else”, and I don’t want to be the reason for someone’s pain. And to be honest, after spending so many years struggling with life, I don’t want to give up now. What if I die without seeing any happiness in life? What a waste of life it would be! Whatever tough times I am going through, these won’t last forever right! What if I accept darkness right before dawn! Matlab yaar, jiye bina hi mar gayi toh kya fayda?

This is what I think majority of the times.

And then, there are other days, those that brings another failure, that crush another hope and my mind goes into a negative spiral. What if I am supposed to be a failure all my life? What if this darkness consumes me entirely? It doesn’t help that the guy is going through similar stuff and is stuck in a more complicated spiral than me. And so when both of us feel low, we talk about death, and then we laugh and then we plan and then we laugh again. What a twisted sad little couple we are! And because among the two of us, I read more stuff on the internet than him (and is more woke) so I inspire him with little anecdotes like,

  • We have reached so low that the only way now is Up…
  • There is always a storm before the rainbow…
  • It is darkest before the dawn…

Blah blah blah…

And so, I take upon myself the unfathomable task of keeping two people alive, hopeful and happy with what they have.

And while doing so, I get to talk to nobody. I am not complaining about this, neither am I saying that people have abandoned me. To be honest, I have abandoned others. I don’t know if any of you relate to this but I feel like as we grow older, we just lose the connection we used to have with our old friends/acquaintances. I just don’t connect to anybody anymore. Even if I try to tell someone how I feel, I know that I am being judged rather than being understood. And so I tread alone…

Jodi tor dak sune keu na ashe,

Tobe ekla cholo re…

(If no one answers your call, then walk alone …)

And so, I turn to this blog to let my heart out, to tell you that I am suffering and however hard I try not to write sappy stuff out here, I fail to do so. I don’t want to write these things here because several of my friends know about this blog. I don’t know if anyone among them still reads it, but I don’t want to let them know about the state I am in right now. Call it my ego or whatever, I don’t want anyone’s sympathy, especially the people who actually think they know me in real life. I don’t think people who go through tough times, want to be sympathised for it. They may want to be understood but isn’t that a lot to expect in this kalyug!

Anyway, this is it with my rant! I am okay. Okay is a word I relate to a lot. It says so much without actually saying anything.

This was not a call for help. This was just a way for my future self to know that life sucked big time in my past but it’ll all be worth it in the end.

Or agar end mai sab okay na ho, to wo end nahi hai, picture abhi baaki hai mere dost….

The Living and the Dead

This or That Tag

I normally don’t participate in blogging tags and awards but ever since I read Moushmi’s post, I knew I had to do this. It had some interesting questions and even though no one has actually tagged me, I am gonna do this. Here we go…

  1. Dog or Cat : Both. I am an animal person and dream of having lots of furry friends some day.
  2. Netflix or YouTube: YouTube…got no money for Netflix.
  3. Toast or Eggs: I like eggs but I don’t like eating them for breakfast. So toast in the morning and eggs for lunch or dinner.
  4. Cardio or Weights: None. I am not a fitness enthusiast at all. I did try seven days of yoga but that’s it. I gave up getting up in the morning after those tiring seven days.
  5. Facebook or Twitter: I love twitter. I am addicted to it. Facebook, oh well… I have got nothing to show off. I do use it occasionally to stalk ex friends and crushes. Breaks my heart all the time. Hate it.
  6. Ice cream cone or snow cone: Snow cone is like Ice-gola right, the thing with shaved ice. I have no idea, so skip this!
  7. Mobile games or console games: None. I am not into gaming at all. Never was, never will.
  8. While walking, music or podcasts: Music. Oh God!!! Is that even a question? Music all the time, every where, every single moment. I can’t imagine a word without music.
  9. iOS or Android: Too poor for iOS. So android obviously!
  10. Cake or Pie: None. I don’t like sweets except for ice cream and may be chocolates. Oh wait..are pies sour/salty too? I have no idea.
  11. Swimming or Sunbathing: I don’t know how to swim and I have already got damaged skin, don’t need more UV rays to worsen my looks.
  12. Big party or small gathering: Depends on the people and on my mood. I normally like to stay away from people but I can be a party animal too if I want to.
  13. New clothes or new phone: I am not so crazy about phones. I was crazy about clothes,now not so much. Anyway, if  given a choice I would pick a phone and give it to my guy. He loves phones and all that shit.
  14. Rich friend or loyal friend: For the moment, no friend. And speaking generally, why do we need money or loyalty from friends? I for example, just need people to have fun with, and talk about things, life and sorrows and happiness and memories.
  15. Football or Basketball: Like a billion other Indians, Cricket! The only thing I thank Britishers for. Oh, I thank them for J.K Rowling too.
  16. Nice car or Nice home interiors: Hmm… as a kid I always dreamed of having our own house. Now that my parents have a house, I don’t know if it was a house or a home I wished for. As for the question, I am trying not to wish for materialistic things for now.
  17. What’s worse, laundry or dishes: I would prefer laundry if given a choice.
  18. Jogging or hiking: Hiking. I mean that’s basically walking right? I like walking. And I am from the mountains so that is what we normally do to go anywhere.
  19. Bath or shower: Bucket bath ( Is that a term? oh yeah, I just googled) That’s what Indians do right! Saves water too.
  20. Sneakers or sandals: Anything flat. I can’t manage heels. I look like a lunatic wearing heels.
  21. Glasses or contacts: Glasses. I wanted to wear glasses ever since I was a kid and now God has bestowed me with terrible sight so have to wear them all the time. And I have never tried contacts, feels too weird to put alien objects in my eyes.
  22. Hamburger or taco: Chicken Burgers.
  23. Couch or Recliner: Couch.
  24. Online shopping or shopping in a store: Online shopping any day. I mean you are giving me an option to avoid people and the comfort of ordering things from my bed. Thank God for planting this idea on someone’s head. ( Oh, that rhymes)
  25. Receive, email or letter: I love both. But who writes letters these days. I used to write letters to my friend till about 2011-2012. But then came the era of cheap calls/sms and letters disappeared. I guess I still wrote few letters to my guy in 2013-14. I am not sure. I still write him long emails though. And as for receiving, the last letter I got was from my above mentioned friend. As for emails, please send me some. I love receiving long emails.
  26. Passenger or Driver: I can’t drive so passenger.
  27. Tablet or Computer: Computer, I guess.
  28. Most important in a partner, Intelligent or funny: Intelligence, humour or good looks might draw us to someone in the first instance but when it comes to relationships, I think the ability to be the “true you” with your partner is what matters the most. I am lucky enough to be with someone with whom I get the confidence of being me with all my quirks, my craziness, my disappointments, my embarrassments, my tears, and my devilish laughter. Truth and honesty is what I want from my partner and something I am willing to give.
  29. Car or Truck: I don’t want to own these things but would prefer to travel by car. Or even truck, in an adventure, being lost somewhere.
  30. Blue or Red: Bleed Blue.
  31. Money or Free Time: Have enough money to be able to have free time.
  32. Amusement park or Day at the Beach: Beach please!
  33. At a movie, Candy or Popcorn: Popcorn.
  34. Pen or Pencil: Pen, I like colors other than grey.
  35. Pancake or Waffle: Pancakes, I know how to make them.
  36. Coke or Pepsi: Thumbs Up!
  37. Coffee Cup or Thermos: I like cups, hate coffee.
  38. Blinds or Curtain: Curtains swaying with the wind, romantic!
  39. Train or Plane: Sorry to disappoint the kid me who was obsessed with the dream of going in an airplane, trains are better. I mean, I enjoy train journeys more than airplanes. There is a certain kind of romanticism in travelling by a train.
  40. Phone or Tablet: Phone.
  41. Iced Coffee or Hot Coffee: I guess many people are going to hate me for this but I dislike the smell of coffee. I have never had a full cup of coffee in my life.
  42. Meat or Vegetables: I like chicken. And there’s this moral dilemma I am in since last two years. I want to stop eating chicken but I have been unable to do so. I was so sure of leaving non-veg food on my birthday this year but I started it again. I have reduced the consumption these days and hopefully soon enough I’ll stop being a hypocrite( boasting of my love for animals) and stop eating flesh.
  43. International vacation or a New TV: I would love a free vacation (who doesn’t) but I have this small dream of buying a new TV for my parents, since I don’t know when. They still have that 90’s television and they don’t want to waste money on a new one. Some stuff happened, and I decided that someday I am going to buy them a TV. I know its stupid but who doesn’t have stupid dreams.
  44. Save or Spend: Spend on people who need it.
  45. Honesty or other’s feelings: That is a tricky one. I was known to be honest in college, telling people on their face what’s wrong with them etc. And the same thing goes with my family. But I think I can be honest only with those people who want to hear the truth. Some people want to be in a cocoon and I let them be in it.
  46. Coffee or Tea: I love tea. But trying to cut down on my tea consumption lately.
  47. TV or Book: Book, of course.
  48. Movie at home or Movie at the theater: No preference. depends on my mood.
  49. Oceans or Mountains: I can never be bored of mountains.
  50. Horror Movie or Comedy Movie: Comedy. I hate rarely seen a horror movie. I get terrible nightmares if I do, so I avoid doing that.
  51. City or Countryside: Countryside. I am not very fond of cities.
  52. Winter or Summer: Summer gives me migraines. So, winter. Plus winters gives you the freedom to dress shabbily, all covered up.
  53. Soup or Sandwich: Both.
  54. Card games or Board games: Not much interested but I would probably prefer board games.
  55. Camping or binge watching shows at home: Both, depends on mood.
  56. Sweater or Hoodie: No preference. I don’t have much of a dressing sense. I tried dressing up in college sometimes but I guess not every girl is supposed to understand fashion. Now, I don’t even try.
  57. Motorcycle or bicycle: I am a little scared of riding a bike. I may have an undiagnosed phobia of driving.
  58. Book or e-book: Book.
  59. When sleeping, fan or no fan: You want me to live in this tropical monsoonal climate of India without a fan! No way…
  60. TV shows or Movies: Both.

And I am done. If anyone wants to take up the tag, you are most welcome. As I said earlier, it is interesting. 🙂

#Isolated

Because it is difficult for me to talk to people right now, I am drawing.

It is 3 am and I guess I should get some sleep. The superhero movie marathon resumes tomorrow. Sometimes it is better to stay away from the world. When I was a teen, my worst fear was to be lonely, now that I am older, I think it is better to have no company at all. I am more comfortable with being alone.

Or may be I have figured out the difference between being alone and being lonely.

Alone feels better.

Hopeless

Dear future me,

Tonight, I am devoid of hope and can’t think of a single way out of the mess I am stuck in right now.

If ever in life, you find happiness, I want you to read this and be thankful. Life was never this tough and hopeless as it is today. You can’t go any lower than this. And if, someday you have found a reason to be okay with what you have, be grateful. If ever you find a way, out of this mess, laugh a lot because you have been unhappy for quite a long time.

Hoping to see you smile.

The ‘present’ me.

P.S. Do you still write about your mental breakdowns here? You are such a loser.

A Message Of Gratitude

to all the people who reached out to me after my last post. I am a little overwhelmed by the number of comments and emails I got over my crappy post.

Thank you.

I am well now. I can’t say that unhappiness has suddenly left me alone and a sense of glee has engulfed me yet, but I am okay. And I am not alone.

I am usually a happy person, on a day to day basis. I don’t fret over small things and feel grateful for having what I have. But then there are days when things fall apart successively and nothing seems to get better. Having periods on such days doesn’t help either and I turn into a leaking tap or an explosive bomb which is ready  to explode any moment with a single spark five miles away. Last week was such a time.

I know, I am responsible for a number of things that are wrong in my life. I don’t know how long I can blame destiny for not having what I want. If I could get a dollar for every time I have taken a wrong decision in my life I would probably be a rich person by now. But that isn’t how life works.

I was watching “The Big Bang Theory” one day and there was this scene where Penny takes Sheldon to a restaurant and asks him to find an answer to something that has been bothering him in a fortune cookie.

I liked the idea and looked up online to find something like a fortune cookie. I digitally cracked open a fortune cookie and it said, ” Seek out a new environment if you are stuck in a rut”. The second time it said, “Work with what you have”.

I don’t know if it was a coincidence or what but I actually used the “stuck in a rut line” in my last post.

Anyway, I am still going to take a break from blogging for a while. I need to concentrate on something I have been working on.

Thank you to all the people who left me encouraging comments and special thanks to Traci York for sharing my post and sending all that love my way.

The night is darkest just before the dawn and I hope the dawn is coming. For you, for me, for everyone who is waiting for the dark to diminish. 🙂

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Rising from the Ruins

 

To Be Continued…

I am taking a break from the world. A break from everything—- blogging, internet, social media, texting, emailing, and from people. At least for a while.

Life is a little  rough right now and has been so for the past three years basically. I am unable to get out of this rut.

I try to be positive and happy but nothing seems to get better. Every time I try to keep my blog a positive place and end up failing to do so. How is someone supposed to be positive if nothing positive ever happens in her life.

I know and understand that many people around the world are going through so much pain and unhappiness right now and I try to help them. I try to be as kind to people as I can. And if I find no way to help them I cry for them, I pray for them even though my hope in God diminishes with time. I still pray.

But how do I help people when I can’t help myself.

Everything I have ever wanted in life, love, career…seems to be a distant dream right now. Like I have failed in every aspect of life and it seems like a big question mark.

And how do I dream big when even my smallest, tiniest, little, petty, negligible dreams never come true.

There were times when I used to console myself saying that when something good would finally happen in my life I would forget all the difficulties I am going through right now. Every pain would diminish, and all this time would feel like a bad dream. But this bad dream doesn’t seem to get over.

Life is nothing but a bad dream repeating itself all over again.

Does this ever get better?

I hope to find a way soon. Till then I’ll be away from this place.

Tell me, it is all going to work out in the end. And that this isn’t the end.