I should study.
P. S. My first attempt at whatever this is.
I should study.
P. S. My first attempt at whatever this is.
What do you see,
in the vastness of the universe?
Do you look out for hope, faith
Or for the fireflies
lighting their bodies
in the dark corners of the forest?
Do you believe in magic
or in the chemical called
Do you want to get lost
Or to find yourself
in the face of defeat?
Do you wait,
for the rain to cleanse you
or do you drench yourself,
in the sorrow of your own tears?
What do you seek,
from the universe,
The pain of discipline,
or the agony of regret?
Life could be a little cruel sometimes. It could take away your best quality, your best feautures, everything you are ever known for but that doesn’t mean that you stop being beautiful, that you aren’t worth anything. I have doubted myself a million times, I have hated myself for things that weren’t in my control, I have been hard on myself but I am still here. Still struggling, still going on. I don’t know where this path leads me, but I am keeping my fingers crossed. I may have lost my colors but life isn’t over yet. There is a long way to go.
1. I love sleeping. It is undoubtedly the best thing in this world, along with food of course. If you had met me 2 years ago, you wouldn’t have heard me say this. All my college life, I hardly slept. It felt like a waste of time. I spent my time either talking on phone, or watching movies or gossipping all night with my friends. I used to feel like I would miss out on other things if I wasted my time on taking a nap. Coming to this day, when I would give up everything to sleep peacefully for atleast 7-8 hours. It is the only time in my life when I am not stressed. Life is good only when I sleep.
2. I have my exams from the 26th of this month. 4 days, 7 exams, 3 hours each. Yeah, kill me already! I am not at all prepared for it. And I know I won’t be prepared even if I get another 6 months. Anyway, my only strategy is to fill the pages and not leave anything. Such strategy worked perfectly in college. I highly doubt it’s gonna work here.
3. I am addicted to my phone. And that is so not good for my studies. So, I have uninstalled all the social media and timepass apps from my phone except for WordPress. It is my only connection with the outside world.
4. One of the paper in my upcoming exam is of Hindi language. Now, I haven’t studied Hindi since almost a decade.Yes, it is my first language but all the grammar and stuff is too difficult. It is not the Hindi we use in daily life. It’s a highly pure and authentic form of official hindi language. I am too scared to write that exam. The worst part is if I flunk that, it wouldn’t matter if I have done well in the other 6 subjects. They won’t even check the other papers if I don’t get pass marks in Hindi.
5. Do you ever think that if a certain incident wouldn’t have happened in your life, your life would be completely different? I often think of the day when my mom had a stroke and how my life turned upside down. I know there are people who come out of even greater miseries than that and I really respect them. But, I don’t know why I feel like along with her my life was paralysed right there and then. Like my whole life is a movie, and right before the interval this incident happened and life never remained the same. And whatever I did, whichever path I took in life, nothing seemed to take me to my happy ending.
Well, that’s life. Whatever happens, we have to face it with a smile on our face.
So, I was reading hindi idioms today and one of them was “ naak ka baal hona” which meant ” bahout pyara hona“. Hehe, so I told my mom, ” mummy, tu meri naak ka baal hai re” I know, too gross!! Par kya karen, yahi hamari bhasha hai bhai! Hehe
Sometimes I wish I could fast forward my life. Like I could wake up one day and find a different world. When all these troubles are left behind and I find the answers to all the questions I have now. I am tired and frustrated of this life. I don’t know how to live anymore.
And I know even if I wake up after five years and find a new world, there could still be questions or frustrations but I am okay with that. I do not want a bed full of roses, but I want new struggles, new questions, a new life.
I don’t know where I went wrong with this life. And I know one must look at people who have it worse than you. But what about those people who have it much easier.
I like this quote from one of my favorite books,
“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won’t tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn’t change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have.”
― Stephen Chbosky,
This is what I have and it is hard to live. You spend years of your life hoping that someday it’s gonna be alright, that your day would come soon. You struggle, you cry, you try be a good human, you trust yourself, your beliefs but nothing happens.
I don’t want a perfect life. I just want a hope, a sign, something to tell me that there is something better for me. That this would all be worth it someday.
I am going to regret writing here but I need to do this.
And you have lost many wars,
in the past ten years,
you have been bruised,
have wiped countless tears.
You have lost some family,
some well known peers,
you have been hurt,
lost the music to your ears.
But you have always had hope,
hope that the clouds will disappear;
hope of a new world, bright and clear;
hope that success would someday be near;
And for now, that’s what matters my dear.
Some days are so hard to get by, that every effort to not be depressed goes in vain. A half hearted effort in poetry gives you some rhyming lines. And you wait for sleep to embrace you in its arms and make you numb enough to feel no pain.
sapiosexual,Writing and reading is aphrodisiac for me.This blog is my peaceful village which is far from cruel world.I meditate under the trees of words here
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