Some Things End, Some Begin…

I am not sure whether this is a comeback post or just a culmination of all the posts I am trying to write in the past several months. I can’t believe that I started this blog with the dreams of becoming a writer someday but somehow it ended up being a graveyard of my sorrows and broken dreams.

I know I have written some pretty intense things here, my struggle with depression, my failures, my heartbreaks and if someone who knows me in real life right now ends up reading this, he’ll be in one hell of a shock. That is the thing with people, you never really know them in entirety but only bits and pieces of what they want you to know. But this blog is where I feel whole. The internet is usually a place to show off your best life but for me blogging turned out to be a journey to find myself and be true to my own beliefs. If this means I have to share my not-so-great life with others, I am okay with it.

***

I started working three months ago. It isn’t exactly a “job” but I get paid, get a chance to do something at a reputable place, and also see new people, talk , laugh, have tea or lunch with them, which is unlike what I’ve been doing since the past two years, that is sitting on my bed and contemplating my future.

The good part about this thing is I am working in my own town. For a long time now, I was really worried about my parents living alone. They are in their 60s-70s and although I am more of a liability than an asset but just being here with them calms my mind. I’ll admit, it is sometimes a pain to live with your parents when you are an adult and have tasted freedom before but I would rather spend time with my mom than on random “social” things.

***

To Alok,

It was the second week of September when I came to know about your untimely demise. It was much more difficult to accept that you took your own life. I have only known you through our blogs and the little interaction we had over comments but you were always a positive influence in my life. It is hard to believe that you aren’t around anymore. I’ll miss your motivating comments. I’ll miss seeing the world through your blog. You were such an enthusiastic and motivated individual. I wish the world wasn’t too hard on you.

I don’t know how many times I’ve opened WordPress to write you a proper goodbye, but it is just too difficult. I can’t imagine what your family is going through right now.

Goodbye my friend. I hope you find peace wherever you are.

***

I am okay. And I may not be in a state to write about this right now but I am okay. Sometimes, the things that you have worked for almost a third of your lifetime don’t work out but still feel worth it. I know nothing makes sense right now but someday it will. Love, like many other things is about how hard you work to make it work. And it doesn’t always have to end in a good way, or end at all. You could be in love without being in a relationship or feel unloved in spite of having someone to hold on to.

Everything comes to an end in this mortal world. It hurts, but this is what grief does. It makes you feel alive and even when something doesn’t work out the way you always imagined it to be, it doesn’t mean you have to live with regrets.

You’ll be okay one day.

***

It has been almost six years since I’ve been writing here, on and off. There are times when some people (and by some I mean you Nomadosauras) dig up my old posts and comment on them. I have a pretty bad memory and sometimes I don’t even get the context of what people are commenting on. So, I go back and read my posts and it feels amazingly weird. I feel like I am reading someone else’s words. Sometimes it doesn’t even sound like my life. Sometimes it does but written from someone else’s perspective. Just so weird. I don’t know if I am able to put words to my feelings but it is just surreal.

And boy, have I grown in all these years!!! I was such a stupid girl. Well, I am still pretty weird and stupid but I am happy, in spite of the zillions of problems in my life.

Just the other day I was telling Vishnu that happiness to me is contentment. I don’t think I am content with life, not yet and probably not ever. And there are days, or even weeks when I cry my eyes out but generally, in a normal kinda way, I feel okay.

For several years, I have had this feeling that I wasn’t rich, intelligent, or pretty enough. Everything felt inadequate. I looked at friends, with jobs, with life partners, with money, property and a “life” while I had nothing. I have almost none of these things even now but I have stopped looking. Not to sound too “enlightened” I still have my “days-of-doubt” but my feelings are a little controlled. I feel blessed… with all “the little” I have.

***

2019 is going to be a great year. I don’t know how or why or what am I going to do then but I have this belief that it is gonna be AWESOME.

I want to believe this.

I have to believe this.

To quote John Green, I’ll be on a roller-coaster that only goes up my friend.

***

HAPPY NEW YEAR. IMG_20181224_162356

What Do You Seek…

What do you see,

in the vastness of the universe?

Do you look out for hope, faith

or money?

Or for the fireflies 

lighting their bodies 

in the dark corners of the forest?

Do you believe in magic

or in the chemical called 

Love?

Do you want to get lost

Or to find yourself 

in the face of defeat?

Do you wait,

for the rain to cleanse you

or do you drench yourself,

in the sorrow of your own tears?

What do you seek, 

from the universe,

The pain of discipline,

or the agony of regret?

***

Black and White Photo Challenge #5


A sane person would have posted a beautiful, colored picture of a rainbow but because I am anything but sane, I thought of posting a black and white photo of a rainbow. 

Life could be a little cruel sometimes. It could take away your best quality, your best feautures, everything you are ever known for but that doesn’t mean that you stop being beautiful, that you aren’t worth anything. I have doubted myself a million times, I have hated myself for things that weren’t in my control, I have been hard on myself but I am still here. Still struggling, still going on. I don’t know where this path leads me, but I am keeping my fingers crossed. I may have lost my colors but life isn’t over yet. There is a long way to go. 

Gupshup-3

1. I love sleeping. It is undoubtedly the best thing in this world, along with food of course. If you had met me 2 years ago, you wouldn’t have heard me say this. All my college life, I hardly slept. It felt like a waste of time. I spent my time either talking on phone, or watching movies or gossipping all night with my friends. I used to feel like I would miss out on other things if I wasted my time on taking a nap. Coming to this day, when I would give up everything to sleep peacefully for atleast 7-8 hours. It is the only time in my life when  I am not stressed. Life is good only when I sleep.
2. I have my exams from the 26th of this month. 4 days, 7 exams, 3 hours each. Yeah, kill me already! I am not at all prepared for it. And I know I won’t be prepared even if I get another 6 months. Anyway, my only strategy is to fill the pages and not leave anything. Such strategy worked perfectly in college. I highly doubt it’s gonna work here.

3. I am addicted to my phone. And that is so not good for my studies. So, I have uninstalled all the social media and timepass apps from my phone except for WordPress. It is my only connection with the outside world.

4. One of the paper in my upcoming exam is of Hindi language. Now, I haven’t studied Hindi since almost a decade.Yes, it is my first language but all the grammar and stuff is too difficult. It is not the Hindi we use in daily life. It’s a highly pure and authentic form of official hindi language. I am too scared to write that exam. The worst part is if I flunk that, it wouldn’t matter if I have done well in the other 6 subjects. They won’t even check the other papers if I don’t get pass marks in Hindi.
5. Do you ever think that if a certain incident wouldn’t have happened in your life, your life would be completely different? I often think of the day when my mom had a stroke and how my life turned upside down. I know there are people who come out of even greater miseries than that and I really respect them. But, I don’t know why I feel like along with her my life was paralysed right there and then.  Like my whole life is a movie, and right before the interval this incident happened and life never remained the same. And whatever I did, whichever path I took in life, nothing seemed to take me to my happy ending.

Well, that’s life. Whatever happens, we have to face it with a smile on our face.

So, I was reading hindi idioms today and one of them was “ naak ka baal hona” which meant ” bahout pyara hona“. Hehe, so I told my mom, ” mummy, tu meri naak ka baal hai re” I know, too gross!! Par kya karen, yahi hamari bhasha hai bhai! Hehe

A flower from our garden… Just because I wanted a picture in this post.

Meh…

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward my life. Like I could wake up one day and find a different world. When all these troubles are left behind and I find the answers to all the questions I have now. I am tired and frustrated of this life. I don’t know how to live anymore.

And I know even if I wake up after five years and find a new world, there could still be questions or frustrations but I am okay with that. I do not want a bed full of roses, but I want new struggles, new questions, a new life.

I don’t know where I went wrong with this life. And I know one must look at people who have it worse than you. But what about those people who have it much easier.

I like this quote from one of my favorite books,

“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won’t tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn’t change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have.” 
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This is what I have and it is hard to live. You spend years of your life hoping that someday it’s gonna be alright, that your day would come soon. You struggle, you cry, you try be a good human, you trust yourself, your beliefs but nothing happens.

I don’t want a perfect life. I just want a hope, a sign, something to tell me that there is something better for me. That this would all be worth it someday.

Someday.

I am going to regret writing here but I need to do this.

Hope…

And you have lost many wars,
in the past ten years,
you have been bruised,
have wiped countless tears.
You have lost some family,
some well known peers,
you have been hurt,
lost the music to your ears.
But you have always had hope,
hope that the clouds will disappear;
hope of a new world, bright and clear;
hope that success would someday be near;
And for now, that’s what matters my dear.

***

Some days are so hard to get by, that every effort to not be depressed goes in vain. A half hearted effort in poetry gives you some rhyming lines. And you wait for sleep to embrace you in its arms and make you numb enough to feel no pain. hope1

Missing Convocation…yet again!!!

Three years ago when I wrote this post, I guess I somehow irked the almighty , because He/She didn’t let me attend yet another of my convocation. So, now I am this 24 year old girl who has two degrees but not even one experience of throwing that graduation cap up in the air. Ok, I am making it sound like some kinda achievement but for me, it actually is an achievement. I got two degrees in a career I never really liked in the first place and after all that torture I didn’t get to attend even one of my graduation day. How unfair is it!!!! That bloody college people changed the convocation date from 12th to 20th December, that is on the day of an exam which all my classmates were going to write. So, our entire class was indirectly restricted from attending the convocation. I just feel so bad you know. I was so excited about going back to college, meeting everyone and relive old college days but that didn’t happen and I ended up seeing pictures of people dressed in convocation robes exactly like the last time. Now every person on facebook has a convocation DP… except me. Hell, facebook is filled with wedding pictures, and I don’t even have that (OK, I don’t want that, but still they have something to post) then there are job updates, country updates, check ins, dinner pictures, daru pictures, all kind of shit and I have nothing. When is God gonna bless me with something to show off. Yaar, I don’t want that, I just wanted to go back to college, and attend my convocation, but I guess it is just not in my kismat. I am actually not into facebook that much, I had deactivated it for years, and only joined it a year ago. It’s just a place which makes me feel like I am way behind people, like everyone is moving ahead, changing careers, getting married and here I am, still trying to figure out what I want from life. I have engaged myself in this long unpredictable journey of a long lost dream while people are running from one goal to another. But I guess this is who I am, and this is the life I have chosen for myself. Nothing and no one else matters.

Well, you know what I am going to do, I am going to invite all my friends to Delhi, rent those convocation robes and throw a super awesome graduation party for us (Of course with their money), and make it better than a real convocation. Yes, that’s what I am going to do. And I am going to be happy.

P.S. I just realized that it’s actually a very childish post, but I am gonna publish it anyway. Who cares…