Guilty

A pigeon fell down in my balcony a few hours ago. He wasn’t moving. I went near him and felt a movement and thought may be he’s in shock and would fly away in a moment. I went back to check on him about thirty minutes later and he had moved on the floor but still wasn’t flying or even moving, just lying still. I checked his body from a distance and didn’t find any injury or any broken wings. He was just still and may be sick. I googled ways to help a sick pigeon and after a lot of research decided to put it in a warm and safe place. I cut out a box, laid out my old t-shirts in it, and carved out holes for ventilation. Next job was to try to hold the pigeon and put it in the box. And I was literally shaking. I had never held a bird in my hands before. How was I gonna capture this dying pigeon and keep it in the box. Anyway, after chanting lots of mantras I held the pigeon using a soft cloth and put it in a box. I thought to keep it that way till morning and wait for the bird to recover and then try to take it to a vet or something. I had no idea if vets in India treat birds or whatever but that was something to worry about in the morning. The pigeon looked peaceful and I left it to feel safe and warm. Around an hour later I heard him flapping his wings. I ran to check on him. He was breathing heavily and acting so weird. I thought may be he’s trying to fly away and the box is interrupting his wings. I didn’t know what to do so I took him out of the box. He was acting all weird, like he gave up on his body, his neck was drooping and he couldn’t stand on his feet. I tried to keep a bowl of water near his beak but he didn’t try to drink any water. I didn’t have a syringe or dropper with me. So I cut out a piece of cloth, made an electrolyte solution using salt and sugar and tried to drop it onto his beak.

But he died.

He just died. He’s not moving. He has just given up. No movement. Nothing. Still. Gone.

And I feel guilty. I should have just left him as he was. Why on earth did I try to become a vet? I can’t sleep. Its 3 am.

And he’s dead. Four days ago, Sridevi died and I couldn’t sleep whole night. It wasn’t like I was a big fan of the actress or anything but it was just shocking. Not something you expect to read right before you sleep, that a middle aged actress died suddenly, just like that.

This morning, my ex-classmate passed away. A young, budding entrepreneur, an innovator, a guy who had worked and founded many NGOs to help children…gone too soon. Just like that.

And now this pigeon. I know it is just a pigeon but I am tired of death. It is just unfair. Life doesn’t make sense. I tried to do a good deed but now I feel so guilty.

I wish I could help him.

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The Garden Of My Soul

Your soul

is attracted to people

the same way flowers

are attracted to the sun,

surround yourself

only with those

who want to see you grow.

(pavana)

***

Here and There

So yeah, I am here, currently suffering from a serious bout of writer’s block and depression. I am not exactly a textbook case of depression. I mean I laugh, I talk to people, I have fun but my mind, it never stops thinking. It just goes on and on. I am thinking to try yoga or meditation but I have no idea about how to get started. I mean, I guess one needs to calm his/her mind to meditate, right, but that’s what I am unable to do. Or is it the other way round? Argh, I don’t know. Life is just so fucked up! There…I used the f word. Me, the girl who never swears. But that’s how fucked up life really is. 

Sometimes I feel like maybe God (or whatever superpower there is) wants me to learn many lessons in life. Like my life is nothing but a day to day account of what not to do with your life. Like I am destined to run after things that I could never get. This is the reality of my life. But I guess, I am just not learning those lessons. Or may be I have much more learning to do. 

Year after year of thinking what went wrong in my life, I have come to a realisation that I am my worst enemy. I lose this battle of life against myself. Like I am not able to overpower this lazy, procrastinating, useless part of me and built up my life. 

I once read it somewhere, that the only direction you can go after you hit rock bottom is up. But I am just not able to see it right now. I am in a ditch. I want to go up but everything is holding me back. I just can’t see an open door right now. It has been a long time. A really long time. 

I am here but I am really not here. And I don’t know where I want to be. Does life ever gets better? If it does, I’ll probably write a book about it and I’ll give it the title, “What not to do in Life”. 

You all would get a free copy. Signed. Of course. 

Chit-Chat

A typical conversation between us: 

Me: What if you meet Deepika Padukone somewhere  and she asks you to kiss her?

He: Why are we talking about things that are not gonna happen in this lifetime? 

Me: Arre, have some imagination and tell me. 

He: Okay… I would tell her that I have a girlfriend. 

Me: Oh please… Lie better! 

He: Achcha… What would you do if you are in a same situation with her?

Me: Hehe…You know my answer. 

He: Arre… Tell. 

Me: I would totally turn into a lesbian for her. 😍😍 

He: I knew it! 😏😏

Me: hehehe 😂😂

Who wouldn’t kiss her?

Source: here

Little Things

Do you remember the first time your father bought you a chocolate or a toy or anything you liked? Do you remember the times, when the little you waited for your father to come back from office to shower you with love? 

I don’t. 

As much as I think about my childhood, I can’t come up with a single happy memory with my father. He was never there. He was this non existential person who sponsored our studies, food and other stuff one requires to survive. I used to think that’s what fathers do. It was normal to me.  I remember I was surprised to see a lot of girls around me idolizing their dads. I couldn’t understand the concept. 

Well, I grew up and made peace with having a dysfunctional family. Honestly, I didn’t even miss all the fatherly love. I had many people around me who loved me and showered me with all the things I needed.

But then 4 years ago, when I was 22 , staying at home & preparing for some exam, my father came back from one of his evening walks and gave me a chocolate. He didn’t say anything, just threw a chocolate in my direction. I don’t think he realised that it was the first time he actually got something for me. 

But I did. I looked at the chocolate and I cried. Not heavy breathing, thumping my chest crying, just a tear rolling down my cheek crying. 

That chocolate meant something else to me. I don’t think a chocolate would have made a kid as happy as a twenty something girl that day. I don’t even know if I should call that happiness. It was just a little thing, yet it wasn’t. It was an unusual thing and I don’t know how to express it in words. Sometimes you just feel some emotions you can’t define. It was just that.

Now that I am at home again, every other evening my father gets me these little things- puffs, chips, kurkure. He has a ten rupee budget for every other evening. Today he bought me these soya puffs with chinese flavour and I made a face as I didn’t like that flavour. He then asked me which ones did I like. I told him to get me the pink packets. He went back to the shop and came back with red ones. I took pity of my poor, old father and acted like I loved the red tomato flavour(which honestly are even worse than the earlier chinese ones). I am still trying to figure out a way to make him understand the difference between red and pink. 
Sometimes, little things like these help me to relive my childhood- this one where my father gets me chocolates. May be, the universe does compensate us for everything. It might be a little late but everyone gets what s/he deserves. 

To each his due. 

And Then There Was Light… 

My absence from this blog is a sign of either having a busy schedule or being happy and this time it has been both. There was a dialogue in the movie  Rockstar which roughly translates to, “it is necessary to experience heartbreak to be a rockstar”. For me, on the other hand, it is absolutely necessary to be sad and depressed to write anything here.But today is a different day,  it is an effort from my side to be a writer, any time, any day, under any circumstance.

Well, coming back to my life, it has been good. It is exactly one year since I relocated to Delhi. And in this one year I have moved an inch closer to that “something” I wanted to do. A fortnight ago I got a good news and for the first time in life I felt like I actually have the ability to do something worthwhile. It’s a long way to go from here, a really tough journey but I am trying to move on one day at a time. A week ago I was so scared to face this new challenge that I really wanted to quit everything and run away from all these difficulties. My parents came to my rescue, calmed me down and reassured me that they are always going to support me no matter what. In a world full of judgemental people I am glad to have my parents, my family and friends who have always tried to understand my ambitions instead of lecturing me over life. Did I tell you how lucky I feel sometimes? 

Whenever I read my blog I feel a sense of awe over how I have changed over these years. Just four years back I was a kid who hated her parents, cried over friendships, and blamed God for her miseries. Things, however, have taken a new turn. I cant think of a life without my parents, I have let go a lot of friends and I have realised that whatever I did or didn’t get in life was entirely my fault and not a fault in my stars. 

Do I sound odd or is it the same me?Well, I am still the same confused girl who had no idea about what she wanted from life. Apparently that feature is my blog’s usp, as many people have written me mails about how they identify with me, being in the same age, undergoing a quarter life crisis.

How have you been? I have hardly been here. Hope I stay here for long this time. It feels great to write again. 

Gupshup-2

1. I want more hours in a day. Twenty four hours are just not enough.
2. Just when I get serious about something, I fall sick and all my motivation goes down the drain.
3. I have noticed that the males in our generation are better at cooking than the females. All the guys in my Mtech class knew cooking, while most of the girls only knew how to cook maggi.
4. How do people manage relationships with the other important things of their life? I just dont know how to be in a real relationship. I aced the long distance thing you know, like if there is a competition for being a good far away girlfriend, I would probably be among the top ten. But give me a live boyfriend and I turn the relationship into a disaster. Whenever he spots a couple holding hands or being cosy in public he looks at me with these expectant eyes, and I give him a I’ll-kill-you-if-you-even-dream-about-it look. I just can’t do it.
5. I think I write well only when I am at home. I started this blog when I had nothing to do after graduation. Those days I could write  about anything under the sun. I almost left writing for two years after joining college. The last four months were good for the blog as I was at home, and could write effortlessly. Now that I am in a city, I am afraid, I have lost the writer in me again.
6. I actually opened WordPress to write the first point, the one about time but I ended up blabbering about so many things. There, I wasted another fifteen minutes out of the precious 1440 minutes we are blessed with everyday.
Ok.
Bye.