1. I love sleeping. It is undoubtedly the best thing in this world, along with food of course. If you had met me 2 years ago, you wouldn’t have heard me say this. All my college life, I hardly slept. It felt like a waste of time. I spent my time either talking on phone, or watching movies or gossipping all night with my friends. I used to feel like I would miss out on other things if I wasted my time on taking a nap. Coming to this day, when I would give up everything to sleep peacefully for atleast 7-8 hours. It is the only time in my life when I am not stressed. Life is good only when I sleep.
2. I have my exams from the 26th of this month. 4 days, 7 exams, 3 hours each. Yeah, kill me already! I am not at all prepared for it. And I know I won’t be prepared even if I get another 6 months. Anyway, my only strategy is to fill the pages and not leave anything. Such strategy worked perfectly in college. I highly doubt it’s gonna work here.
3. I am addicted to my phone. And that is so not good for my studies. So, I have uninstalled all the social media and timepass apps from my phone except for WordPress. It is my only connection with the outside world.
4. One of the paper in my upcoming exam is of Hindi language. Now, I haven’t studied Hindi since almost a decade.Yes, it is my first language but all the grammar and stuff is too difficult. It is not the Hindi we use in daily life. It’s a highly pure and authentic form of official hindi language. I am too scared to write that exam. The worst part is if I flunk that, it wouldn’t matter if I have done well in the other 6 subjects. They won’t even check the other papers if I don’t get pass marks in Hindi.
5. Do you ever think that if a certain incident wouldn’t have happened in your life, your life would be completely different? I often think of the day when my mom had a stroke and how my life turned upside down. I know there are people who come out of even greater miseries than that and I really respect them. But, I don’t know why I feel like along with her my life was paralysed right there and then. Like my whole life is a movie, and right before the interval this incident happened and life never remained the same. And whatever I did, whichever path I took in life, nothing seemed to take me to my happy ending.
Well, that’s life. Whatever happens, we have to face it with a smile on our face.
So, I was reading hindi idioms today and one of them was “ naak ka baal hona” which meant ” bahout pyara hona“. Hehe, so I told my mom, ” mummy, tu meri naak ka baal hai re” I know, too gross!! Par kya karen, yahi hamari bhasha hai bhai! Hehe
A flower from our garden… Just because I wanted a picture in this post.
One of the perks of living in a small town, especially near the hills is that you get to see a sky full of stars. You can go to your rooftop, look up and witness a sea of twinkling lights all over the sky. The rationalist in me likes to remind me that they are nothing but large astronomical bodies made up of hot burning gases but the romantic me refuses to listen and dreams about spending a night under the stars with someone I love.
The night sky makes me think of God, of ghosts, of how we evolved, how we came into this world and how someday we would cease to exist.
When I told my four year old nephew that Oreo has died, he asked me whether he has turned into a star. Somehow a simple lie that we tell kids made me feel better. The idea of lost loved ones watching over us from above, however absurd it is, soothes my soul.
As I watch the moon come up, outside my window I feel lucky just to be alive, to be with people I love, to know that as of today I don’t have to locate too many stars in the sky. Yes, Oreo could be there somewhere but for now, I have all my loved ones with me, right under this sky.
Let the sky just be romantic for now. Let the stars shine for us.
Can you see stars outside your window? Do they remind you of someone you love or someone you loved and lost?
Just an old picture of the moon I took years ago. Don’t have a camera good enough to capture stars. Someday, may be.
A typical conversation between us:
Me: What if you meet Deepika Padukone somewhere and she asks you to kiss her?
He: Why are we talking about things that are not gonna happen in this lifetime?
Me: Arre, have some imagination and tell me.
He: Okay… I would tell her that I have a girlfriend.
Me: Oh please… Lie better!
He: Achcha… What would you do if you are in a same situation with her?
Me: Hehe…You know my answer.
He: Arre… Tell.
Me: I would totally turn into a lesbian for her. 😍😍
He: I knew it! 😏😏
Me: hehehe 😂😂
Who wouldn’t kiss her?
Do you remember the first time your father bought you a chocolate or a toy or anything you liked? Do you remember the times, when the little you waited for your father to come back from office to shower you with love?
As much as I think about my childhood, I can’t come up with a single happy memory with my father. He was never there. He was this non existential person who sponsored our studies, food and other stuff one requires to survive. I used to think that’s what fathers do. It was normal to me. I remember I was surprised to see a lot of girls around me idolizing their dads. I couldn’t understand the concept.
Well, I grew up and made peace with having a dysfunctional family. Honestly, I didn’t even miss all the fatherly love. I had many people around me who loved me and showered me with all the things I needed.
But then 4 years ago, when I was 22 , staying at home & preparing for some exam, my father came back from one of his evening walks and gave me a chocolate. He didn’t say anything, just threw a chocolate in my direction. I don’t think he realised that it was the first time he actually got something for me.
But I did. I looked at the chocolate and I cried. Not heavy breathing, thumping my chest crying, just a tear rolling down my cheek crying.
That chocolate meant something else to me. I don’t think a chocolate would have made a kid as happy as a twenty something girl that day. I don’t even know if I should call that happiness. It was just a little thing, yet it wasn’t. It was an unusual thing and I don’t know how to express it in words. Sometimes you just feel some emotions you can’t define. It was just that.
Now that I am at home again, every other evening my father gets me these little things- puffs, chips, kurkure. He has a ten rupee budget for every other evening. Today he bought me these soya puffs with chinese flavour and I made a face as I didn’t like that flavour. He then asked me which ones did I like. I told him to get me the pink packets. He went back to the shop and came back with red ones. I took pity of my poor, old father and acted like I loved the red tomato flavour(which honestly are even worse than the earlier chinese ones). I am still trying to figure out a way to make him understand the difference between red and pink.
Sometimes, little things like these help me to relive my childhood- this one where my father gets me chocolates. May be, the universe does compensate us for everything. It might be a little late but everyone gets what s/he deserves.
To each his due.
A quote by Iain S Thomas, a writer I greatly admire.
Oreo left us. He died two days ago. He was just 4 months old. He was running after a rat or a frog on the road and came under a bike. He died on the spot. I didn’t see him. My parents didn’t tell me until last night. And then I cried. I cried because he was so young. I cried because we let him go out. I cried because we couldn’t keep him alive. He never liked staying in. He would go to the door and keep meowing until we opened it for him. He would run in our garden, hide behind the bushes and kill ants. He was so small. So young. And now he is a “was”. When bhola left home I never assumed that he died. I always thought that he has gone to a better place, to a jungle, to somewhere he was happier. But Oreo, he just died. Gone as soon as he came into our lives.
In the past two months whenever I would go out, he would come running to me. He never let me hold him but he would dance around my feet, meowing all the time. Now that I go out, he’s not there. He’s gone. Forever.
I miss you, Oreo.
Sometimes I wish I could fast forward my life. Like I could wake up one day and find a different world. When all these troubles are left behind and I find the answers to all the questions I have now. I am tired and frustrated of this life. I don’t know how to live anymore.
And I know even if I wake up after five years and find a new world, there could still be questions or frustrations but I am okay with that. I do not want a bed full of roses, but I want new struggles, new questions, a new life.
I don’t know where I went wrong with this life. And I know one must look at people who have it worse than you. But what about those people who have it much easier.
I like this quote from one of my favorite books,
“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won’t tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn’t change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
This is what I have and it is hard to live. You spend years of your life hoping that someday it’s gonna be alright, that your day would come soon. You struggle, you cry, you try be a good human, you trust yourself, your beliefs but nothing happens.
I don’t want a perfect life. I just want a hope, a sign, something to tell me that there is something better for me. That this would all be worth it someday.
I am going to regret writing here but I need to do this.