When my sister called in today to ask if I am excited for my birthday, I told her no one likes to celebrate old age. Well, I used to be excited (which is a huge understatement) for my birthday until I turned twenty five. Now, this day just reminds me of how I am getting older every moment with almost none of my dreams looking to materialize in real life. The only unique thing about this birthday of mine is that I am sick since last few weeks and would spend my day sleeping and watching random videos.
I don’t like the depressing tone this post has attained so I would like to write about the things I did achieve since the time I turned twenty five. These aren’t great achievements in monetary/ professional fronts but have actually helped me in certain inexpressible ways.
- Ever since I turned eighteen I was very confident that I would never learn cooking, like never ever in my lives. Any day I entered kitchen I either broke or burned something, and thus my mom had pretty much debarred me from the kitchen. However in the past two years, I have not only learned to cook but I enjoy it. I have made chicken dishes, Chinese food, local pahadi food from scratch, and can pretty much cook anything (thanks to Youtube).
- I was a Shopaholic, like mad about buying clothes, shoes, bags during my college days, especially with the extra stipend I was getting during my PG. And I used to buy useless things; clothes I would never be comfortable wearing, shoes that hurt, and cosmetics I would never touch etc. I have now controlled my shopping urge. From being called a wasteful spender to pretty much being called a miser I have come a long way.
- Right from childhood, I never hesitated to help anyone with what I had, money, food etc except clothes. I associated memories with the clothes I wore and could never give them away even if I knew someone needed them. I don’t do that anymore. Last year I donated a number of clothes to little girls around my place and it felt good. Someday, if I become able enough to help more people in any way I can, I surely would. It somehow fees like my calling.
- I have had acne all my life. There was a time when my only goal in life was to wake up one day and see a spotless face in the mirror. I have struggled to accept my face the way it is almost my entire adult life. I have let acne run my life, like literally missing meeting friends, attending parties, events, etc because of how ugly I looked. However, slowly I am coming to terms with it. I used make up for the first time last year as I didn’t want myself to get depressed over the disheartening taunts of my relatives. But make up just made me feel more inauthentic. I never used it again. Random people in metro comment on my face and it does hurt me more than it should but I am getting better. There are people in the world who have so many things to worry about than some useless skin disorder. I can live with it.
- I have tried to improve my lifestyle in recent times. I mostly eat healthy. I am pretty sure that I am over my soft drink addiction and I have tried cutting down usage of ecologically harmful products. I wash my face with honey instead of face wash. I wash my clothes with soapnuts (reetha) instead of detergent. I try to buy organic and eco-friendly products wherever possible, especially from micro or small village industries. It not only helps me to lead a healthy life but also helps small farmers or innovators in certain ways.
- Last but not the least; I have learned to be happy. Contrary to how my blog sounds like, I am not that much of a depressed person. There was a time back in college, when I was too angry on people, on my parents, on myself for how life turned out for me even though it wasn’t half bad as it is now. I have controlled my anger to a great extent. I do have episodes of anger /depression/crying a few times even now but I calm down sooner and I don’t brood about LIFE the way I used to. I am okay.
- Oh…. how can I forget, I even learned to change diapers, not just filled with pee but poop too. This has to be my greatest achievement especially as I have no intention to be a mother ever. My mom still can’t believe that I cleaned my potty smeared nephew with my bare hands.
He seems pretty happy with me!!!
Well, I started writing this yesterday and my birthday will be over in another hour. 31/01/2018 was so different than the day I imagined it to be around a decade ago but what good it would be it life was so predictable!
To many more unpredictable, mysterious years…let’s see where life takes me!!!
Tu kisi rail si guzarti hai,
Mai kisi pul sa thartharata hun…
Tu bhale ratti bhar na sunti hai,
Mai tera naam budbudata hun…
Kisi lambe safar ki raahon main,
Tujhe alaav sa jalata hun..
Rough English Translation:
“You pass by like a train,
I shudder like a bridge under it.
Even though you don’t listen to me a bit,
I keep murmuring your name.
On a long journey,
I light up your memories (to keep me warm) ”
What a lovely song this is, with such marvellous lyrics. ( From the movie Masaan.)
What do you see,
in the vastness of the universe?
Do you look out for hope, faith
Or for the fireflies
lighting their bodies
in the dark corners of the forest?
Do you believe in magic
or in the chemical called
Do you want to get lost
Or to find yourself
in the face of defeat?
Do you wait,
for the rain to cleanse you
or do you drench yourself,
in the sorrow of your own tears?
What do you seek,
from the universe,
The pain of discipline,
or the agony of regret?
…let us all be like Ellie and never give up on our dreams. 😊
When I was home in the last few months, I went through my old diaries, the first being as old as 15 years. Somehow, preteen Mona chose 2018 as the year she would finally settle down. She had written down every thing she would want to have by the year 2018. She had dreams of being a good looking doctor (influenced by a medical drama on TV) , working in a big city, and even being married. She had even decided the names of her future kids.
Present Mona is laughing right now, realizing that 2018 is an hour away and none of those dreams came true. And how she’s no where close to that ‘settle down’ phase. And also a little worried that she has forgotten the names of her unborn children.
Well, I would like to tell my 12 year old self is that even though none of those plans worked out, life is fine. And right now, even being okay is okay. If one dream fizzles out, you can always dream again. And even if life doesn’t make any sense right now, someday it will. There have been lots of regrets, heartbreaks, failures all these years but every single moment has only led you to your true self. You aren’t successful in societal terms, but after years of being lost, you are finally getting to know yourself & your true desires, and even though you have nothing, you aren’t as insane as you were a few years ago.
Everyday is a new beginning. Keep moving on…
Happy New Year to my WordPress Family. May your year be filled with laughter and magical moments. I hope you visit places you have always dreamed of, kiss someone you find adorable. I hope you find courage to live your dreams, make mistakes and learn from them. I hope you sing, and dance with joy. I wish life showers you with wonderful surprises. Have a great year. 😊
Around a year ago, during one of the most difficult phases of my life, in between an episode of terrible migraine I knocked on his doors. My head was bursting with pain, and I wanted to shut myself away from the world, distant from anything that produced any light or sound. His small, dingy room in a secluded space was a perfect place to crash down. After several bouts of nausea and vomiting, I was in a bad shape. As the headache subsided a little, my stomach was growling with hunger and all I wanted to eat were potatoes exactly the way my mother makes them. Not his way. Not my way. But the way my mother cooks them. With almost no expectations I told him the recipe. In his one room apartment, while I rested in his bed, he toiled in the kitchen to cook something he hadn’t even tasted. After half an hour or so, with almost a frightened look on his face he asked me to taste the food. I took a bite and smiled. It tasted exactly like my mother’s. And, for the thousandth time, I fell in love with the same guy.
After several years of being in a relationship, I understood that love is not just the butterflies you get in your stomach when you hold each other’s hand for the first time, or your first kiss, or roses on Valentine’s Day, or a romantic night under the sky.
More than being just a warm fuzzy feeling in your heart, love is a verb.
And in love, more than what you say, what matters more is what you do.
Inspired by: Discover
Claps of thunder and bolts of lightning
Wind comes howling through
Sometimes love is just a kite string
And a heart shaped tattoo
And holding on can be so frightening
I know she’s frightened too
But I’ll go dancing out in the thunder and lightning
If she will too
If she tells me she will too…
(Words from a song by Passenger)