Existential Crisis

Do good things ever happen to good people?

Or has the world turned upside down?

There is no meaning in kindness or love

And everyone is lost in this big bad town.

Everything is paid for in dollars

but there is no value in modesty.

This little girl with big dreams

has died a million times,

and now just wants to be free.

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Dreams…

For several years there has been a pattern in the kind of dreams I see while sleeping. Ever since I joined college, I had this recurring dream where I had been running away from something or someone. Some days I would be in a forest and a wild beast would follow me and I would run away from it. Some days there would be a disaster at my hometown like a fire or an earthquake or a war and I would try to save myself by running away. Some nights I would be running away from a man who is out to kill me. And some days I would just be running away from some unknown, invisible dark power. And almost always I was all alone in these dreams. Initially I used to be worried about these dreams and explore several dream interpretation websites. But after a while I was so accustomed to these dreams that I stopped looking for them.

Cut to the last one year or so, my dreams have slightly taken a U-turn. Now, I don’t see myself running away from something but towards it and failing to do so. I often see myself trying to go to my hometown, but there would be so many obstacles in the way like barbed wires, unbelievably narrowed roads, flooded areas and so on. And now, I even see other people with me. But these obstacles are only there for me and not for these other people. They go on normally while I face so many constraints for going to the same place.  Just the other night I saw this dream where I was going to my hometown and I had to go on a helicopter. So everyone got into it, while I couldn’t get a seat and was asked to stand in the place where all the luggage is kept. After a while, the helicopter stops at a place and I step down to look around. Suddenly, the helicopter takes off again leaving me at a dark and strange street. I try to ask the people on the streets for my way home but no one seems to help me. After walking for a while, I can actually see my home away in a far off mountain but I have no idea how to go there. And just like that, I wake up.

And this is just one sample of what I see almost on a daily basis. May be I am reading too much into it, but these dreams are so constant and  vivid in my memories, that I end up thinking about them.

I guess my sub-conscious mind is playing some dirty tricks on me.

Anyway, do you have any recurring dream you would like to share with me? Is it normal for people to see the same kind of dreams for years altogether?

New Girl In the City

That’s a cliche title but I really wanted to write on it since the time I saw the movie Wake Up Sid. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, it’s about a young boy who is clueless about his life, has no ambition and just goes on wasting his dad’s money.Later in the movie he fails in his MBA exams and is thrown out of the house by his dad. He goes on to live with his friend, a girl who has always dreamed of being a writer. The first article that she finally gets to publish is named New Girl in the City. And since I saw that movie about five years ago, I have always wanted to live like that girl, alone in a big city, with a cosy room, chasing old dreams and discovering new ones. For her the city was Mumbai, but sadly for me it is Delhi. So, I moved to Delhi a few days ago, the city I have always hated. I have been here countless times but I hardly ever saw anything. The only places I have been to are the airport, New Delhi railway station and Anand Vihar bus stand. And now I am here, living in this tiny little room right in an old and tall building inhabited by many pigeons.

Delhi is chaotic, with its cramped houses, and narrow lanes, with people running all the time abusing every single person that hinder their way, with everyone in the metro hooked onto their phones, with all the loud aunties and their notorious children and sadly with a starless sky. Sometimes, when I look all around the metro I see that I am the only person without a phone in her hand. It is a good place to observe people, to mentally make a note so that you can later write about them on your blog. I have never been to such a crowded place. I mean Bangalore was crowded and had a pretty lousy traffic but I never got a chance to see so many people at the same time, plus I rarely understood Kannada to actually know the happenings there. I was always intimidated by Delhi girls; they all looked so pretty, with perfect hair and makeup, with stylish clothes and shoes, with their different and confident way of walking and I-don’t-give-a-damn attitude. Earlier for me a ride through metro was a sure shot way of losing all the confidence I had, but in a week or so I have gotten used to it. It doesn’t freak me out anymore and I am really surprised that I feel this way.

Moving to Delhi has also brought about another change in my life, my long distance relationship of five years has finally become short distance. Our friends suggested us to actually live together but I would rather kill myself than do that. I mean long distance to live-in, are you kidding me! It is okay the way it is, we get to see each other almost every other day and that is perfectly fine. I can’t lose my independence for a guy. The transition was something I was dreading for a really long time but we are doing okay.

So here I am, in some ways living the life I always wanted to, if only the thing I am here for turns out to be a success. Wish me luck!

P.S. If you are wondering what happens to that clueless guy in the movie, well he discovers his passion in photography and ends up publishing a picture in the same magazine where this girl gets to write her article. They both fall in love and the movie ends with the monsoon rains and a really nice song in the background.

P.P.S. So today I was talking to my new flatmate and something about blogging came up. I randomly asked her about blogs and she told me how people write political, social, technical stuff on the internet. I was mentally thinking about how someday she is going to end up on my blog (*evil grin). It is great to be an anonymous blogger. I love it.

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Picture from here.

The Tale Of A Broken Dream

As far as I remember I have always seen my mother struggling with a disease or two. Even before I was born, the valves in her heart didn’t work properly. Then there was always the case of hyper acidity and migraine that never let food remain in her stomach (and has been genetically passed onto me). Then came the disastrous paralysis attack which not only left her half dead but significantly changed my life too. Now, there is slip disc, frequent episodes of menopausal hot flashes, constant pain in her legs (reason unknown), and all the side effects of those numerous medicines that keep her alive. I have literally never seen my mom healthy, and I feel in some way because of that I never had a normal life. I know almost every doctor in town, the cute neurologist who looks great in a light green shirt, the I-have-no-time-to-breathe cardiologist, the orthopaedist who talks way too much, the old ENT specialist who has a big white house, you get the picture, I know way too many doctors.

 I stayed in Bangalore for seven years and I visited almost every hospital one could name. Manipal hospital is my favourite because I believe it is where my mother got her second life, even though only half of her body worked but she survived and got better. It was the last year of school and during the last three months I spent numerous evenings at Manipal hospital. I would sit by the stairs and practice mathematics. We would eat dinner from the hospital canteen when my sister didn’t feel like cooking. I skipped school almost every day but my teachers didn’t care much as skipping school was allowed for the “good students” so that they can prepare well at home for the Board examinations. I mostly spent my time watching television because it took my mind away from my dying mother. By the time she became healthy enough to live, I had almost lost everything. I messed up my Boards, all my entrance exams and any chance to have a normal career.

For eleven years from Class 1 to 11th, one would always see me on stage collecting my report card, prizes, merit scholarships amidst claps and cheers but in that last year, the year that mattered the most, whoosh…. everything was gone…. Just like that…. All my dreams shattered. In a flash …

I missed getting into a medical college by a single mark.

Counselling day. Rank number called. With a smile on my face I go ahead. He asks me to sign. I search frantically for a pen. He says, “sorry, last seat thi,chali gayi”. And I start crying.

Seven years have passed by but I go back to that moment all over again. There are so many what ifs in my mind…

What if the attack hadn’t happened? What if the 17 year old me wasn’t forced into a career she didn’t like? What if they had given me one more chance? What if I wasn’t so arrogant and angry with everything?

He gave me my mother…. He took away my dream.

I need to do something for those eleven years, for those years when I knew what I wanted, when I was determined enough to overcome any obstacle in my way to success. I need to forgive my parents. I need to forgive myself for not trying hard enough. As I sit here and see my mother trying to sleep in spite of a terrible headache I need to find a new dream and let go of the old one. I can’t carry the burden of that broken dream anymore. I can’t let it ruin the rest of my life.

I have to move on.

P.S. Writing is therapy. I feel better.

My First Rejection

It’s been a week, a whole week since I faced my first rejection, you know the feeling when you don’t see your name on a list and your heart shatters, the moment when are waiting for a miracle only to realize that miracles are nothing but a myth. Well, to be honest I wasn’t that shattered after facing the results. I kind of knew that I won’t be able to make it. But it would be wrong to say that I wasn’t hoping, we humans have a tendency to expect miracles, expect something out of the blue, and I was a little disappointed after waiting for hours and hours only to not see my name over there, especially after seeing the beautiful campus of IIT Madras.  One dreams of going to a college like that, I even spotted a deer in that campus, and it was an awesome experience.  Anyways, I am okay now, especially because the long, tiring trip is over.

Well, on a different note, I learnt a lot many things during this trip. Have you ever felt sorry for other people more than for yourself? I kind of felt that. I mean, I met so many people who were so passionate about their fields of research or education, and they couldn’t make it, just like me, they were disappointed to see the results. But unlike me, they were so much more deserving. I could see the passion in their eyes, the desire to create something new. There was this guy who knew everything about cells, he was insanely passionate about the cell cycle, the way he was talking about cells reminded me of the way I talk about dance, or some social issues. And yet, he wasn’t selected. There was another guy, whom I knew from my college days, and who has done many projects under cancer research, has scored 98 percentile in GATE yet he couldn’t get through IIT. All my college life, I hated that guy, I found him rude, arrogant, and proud but that day, the moment I saw the gloom on his face after seeing the result, I pitied that guy.  For the first time in my life, I felt sorry for him. He deserved better things in life, more than me, more than anyone I knew but life is cruel, and so he has to struggle.

On my flight back to Delhi, I met this guy who was extremely passionate about design. He was working in an IT company but was trying hard to get out of that place to pursue a design course. While we were talking about our lives, and our struggle to find a place in this competitive Indian education system, and the role luck plays in it he told me an interesting thing, he said that someone, at some point of time must have worked hard for those people whom we call lucky today. Isn’t it true? We say that this fellow is very lucky, he is rich, he gets things easily blah blah, but someone, his father, his forefathers would have worked hard to bring him to this point. They would have struggled to make money, to set up businesses, to be well enough to promise a comfortable future to their generations ahead. And if we are struggling now, to find a way, to create something, we are probably doing so to secure the future of our upcoming generations. We can’t get lucky without hard work, someone has to work hard, either us, someone from our past or one from the future.

These words from a stranger and the fact that I am not the only one, who is struggling, made me feel better but somehow, the trip left me feeling uneasy too. I met, these passionate guys, who talked so beautifully about things they wanted to do in their lives, they talked about ideas, their struggles, their strategies, I, on the other hand was the one without any plans, there was nothing I knew I could talk so passionately about. I found myself to be an aimless, passionless person.

I still don’t know what I want to do in my life. I am lost, and I’ve no desire to find a way. Is it normal? I am waiting for something to happen, I don’t know what is it… Just something, that makes me feel alive.

Is it wrong to say that I am on the pursuit of somethingness? What do you feel?

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Image from here.

Life As It Is

Its been almost ten months since….

– I watched a movie

– I bought clothes/shoes/handbags/clips/earrings/anything for that matter

– I roamed alone, to be precise stepped out of my home alone

– I slept alone ( okay my mom sleeps with me, every single night)

– I met any of my friend/ anyone my age

– I met my guy

– I kissed

– I had a burger/pizza/panipuri/bhelpuri/masalapuri/all those puris

– I got a haircut

– I wore nail paint

– I got/ gave a gift/surprise

– I checked out a random guy ( no fun without friends)

– I slept at 6/7 in the morning

– I was photographed by someone other than me

– I basically had a life

And it feels okay. I mean I do rant about it all the time but it isn’t too bad. This is how my life is. It isn’t full of surprises/coincidences/tragedies but its fine, mostly because I’ve got a hope now. A hope that, there will be so much to do in the future. There will be a time when I’ll be dying to live these 10 months again. To lay back and enjoy the sunsets, to see birds building their nests, to see a newly born calf, to listen to songs as it rained outside, to write poems, to have home made food, to celebrate every festival, to be away from the hustle and bustle of every day life, to be away from that competitive world, to just be a nobody.

These 10 months changed me. I was able to live without things that were an essential part of my life. I completely erased my existence from this world. I didn’t talk to friends, I changed my number, I changed my lifestyle, I deleted facebook, I isolated myself, I was in a cocoon. It was like I was dead. I was alone and apart from the occasional emotional outbreaks I was okay with it. It was how it was destined to be. And its okay to let it be that way. We just learn more as we live it. And…

I learned that you must never lose hope.

I learned that old friends do last a lifetime.

I learned that expectations ruin relationships.

I learned that its fine to accept that you are different.

I learned that people you love don’t necessarily love you back.

I learned that sometimes its not about your dreams but about your abilities.

I learned that sometimes the only way to find yourself is to get completely lost.

Life won’t necessarily be what you imagined it to be but it won’t be that bad. Things might take a turn of 180 degrees but you’ll learn to live it that way.

Life is beautiful as it is…

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Dear Fourteen Year Old Me- A Poem

Dear fourteen year old me,

That highly spirited girl, young and free,

Here’s a letter from the seven year older ‘you’,

The one you’ll eventually grow up to be whatever you do.

These seven years are going to change you into something you never wanted to be.

But we’ll talk about you today, that ‘you’ in my history.

Do you still cry while going to school?

Mamma’s little girl that you are, do you still hate mondays?

That cocoon, you made a shelter for in our terrace,

Do you still hope to find a butterfly there someday?

And that small lemon tree, that you planted,

Has it grown out well?

Does mamma still beats you for the silly mistakes you do?

Don’t worry honey, she’s gonna stop it in a year or two.

Do you watch that series on TV?

The one with your favorite love story?

I know you are crazy about it, the way I used to be.

Do you dream of having your own house painted red and white?

I won’t tell you anything about it, let it be a sweet surprise.

Do you play with snow, and dance in the rain?

If not then do it as much as you can,

Because soon enough this world is gonna tell you,

You are too old to do that.

Do you wait for that guy, you had a crush on,

To look at you and smile,

Start spending more time with him,

He’s gonna be there only for a short while.

For now just, live. Laugh at yourself and keep moving ahead.

Because as days are passing by,

You are going to get a million reasons to cry,

Make yourself strong enough to face some harsh truths,

And bold enough to lie,

This world is gonna break your heart, a countless times,

Make you taste all the flavors of life, you never wanted to try.

But don’t give up on your dreams and your life,

I assure you, you’ve definite seven years and more until you die.

Here’s me wishing you all the luck,

Till we meet again,

Goodbye.

Would You Like You, If You met You?

You look tired,

Your hair is out of place,

There’s sadness in your eyes,

And dullness on your face.

Tell me,

Would you like you if you met you,

If that was the case?

You’ve isolated yourself,

There’s no one you could call,

No one would lend a hand,

If the next moment you fall.

Tell me,

Would you like you if you met you,

Just passing by the mall?

You’ve dreams,

Not a will to make them true.

You wish to fly,

But scared to try anything new.

Tell me,

Would you like you if you met you,

It that was something you were asked to do?

You’ve lost hope,

You don’t believe in god anymore,

Every turn in your life,

Those moments, the drive,

Now make you bore.

Tell me,

Would you like you if you met you,

Just ask your heart’s core?

You don’t love you,

You don’t believe.

You don’t trust you,

You don’t achieve.

Tell me,

Would you like you if you met you,

If this is the way you are going to live?

 

 

 

LOST AND FOUND: I Quit Quitting

My last post was rather too depressing. I realized it once I finished writing it. And minutes later I am writing this one. I just wanted to let out all the frustration. I was just so annoyed with everything. You know when I started this blog I wanted it to make it a happy blog. I wanted it to be a place where I can just be me, without any restrictions. I am tired and fed up of restrictions. And as I wrote it here I wanted to learn from the things I was writing but that didn’t happen. I started writing about my losses, my love, confusions but never about winning or moving on or achievements. And that was my biggest mistake. I always thought about what God is doing to me, I never cared about the things I should do to change them.

I was running away from everything. I was quitting life, love, my career, myself! I never tried to overcome my fears, my weakness. And this is how I’ve always been. I always complained. I never tried to win. I accepted defeat as it came. And I became used to it. I blamed it on my kismet. I blamed my luck. Yes, life has been tough for me I know but wouldn’t it be so dull if it wasn’t for all these difficulties.

Everyday has been a new day for me. Right from the day I was born. I was rejected for being a girl child. That’s a long story; maybe I’ll cover it up in some other post some day. Then my life in Pithoragarh, moving on to a big city like Bangalore, losing my medical seat by just one mark (another long story), falling in love, living alone, moving back to a small town…its been a long journey and I am still 22. Not even that, I am just 21 and a half years old and I’ve seen so much. I didn’t do anything adventurous, I didn’t go to nice expensive places, I never tasted alcohol, I was always scared to go on stage, I was just a timid innocent girl hopelessly romantic, in love and I had my dreams but life never turned out to be what I wanted it to be.

But its not over yet.

I’ll change.

I am not scared anymore.

I don’t have a reason to fear anyone anymore.

I won’t be a pessimist.

I quit quitting.

I have been living a false life since I was born. That’s the reason I named this blog Pseudomonaz. I am living a pseudo life. But I won’t anymore.

Enough is enough!!

Today is 20th September and the only way to change my life is to get through GATE. And its on 20th January. I’ve 4 months exactly to be what I want to be. That is my only escape.

I’ve to accept that there won’t be any miracle. I was always a ‘study girl’. I don’t have any other talents and even if I have I don’t have an option to leave everything and pursue my dreams. I’ll but not now, later when I’ve all the opportunities to do what I want to.

As for now I want to do M.Tech. Yes, I want to attend a convocation which I missed this time. I want to get into one of the best colleges in India.  And for that I’ve to study. And I have to do it this time.

Whatever it takes.

I am not going to lose this time.

I am going to win.

After all these years I am going to win.

This is it.

No more pseudo life.

I’ll have a real life soon. And I know it.

And I’ll read this post again and again to remind myself everything I thought of.

P.S.: It would really suck to tell you all that I didn’t qualify GATE after all this nautanki I am writing here. So, at least for this, I’ll study. I’ll make this blog my success story!!! 🙂