Bangalore Rains, Bangalore Days…

I’ve had several special memories associated with rain and several of them have been in the city of Bangalore. The weather in the city was unpredictable. I remember my first day of school in Bangalore when it rained like cats and dogs and I was drenched from head to toe. I had not bought the school uniform yet, and was dressed in a light colored salwar kameez which soon turned translucent so I had to cover myself up with my dupatta. It was embarrassing, especially since it was my first day at a new school, in a completely alien city.

And then there was this time when I met an old friend after about four years. We walked around the city all day long and when it was time for me to head back to hostel, it started raining and we hugged under a bus stop near MG Road.

But the most memorable day for me was when me and my best friend went to a lake near our college. We always used to go there when either of us was sad. Sanky tank was around 3-4 km far from our college and one of those places where we would roam around, check out couples, laugh and cry about life in general. This one day, we went there and as always bought the charcoal roasted corn (bhuna bhutta) to eat as we walked around the lake. Suddenly everything went dark and it started raining heavily. We waited for an auto or a bus but the streets were almost deserted. Now my friend is kind of a chicken and she really worries about things a lot. I on the other hand try to act brave even if I am not. So we were walking in the heavy rain and I was laughing so hard over the situation, and she was cursing me non stop. I was still eating my bhutta in the rain, kind of enjoying everything while she was almost in tears.

I don’t know why this incident is so memorable to me, when clearly nothing great actually happened. I guess it is more about the kind of friendship we shared, two contrasting people, spending every day together. I can’t think of a moment I wasn’t with her in those four years of college.

Now that I think of it, even though I was never that social I always had a good friend at every phase of my life. I was never really alone. I have been lucky that way.

I really was…

I wonder how easily we forget the happier times but spend a lifetime thinking about everything that is wrong with our lives.

But then happiness is mostly counted in moments while grief in periods.

If only these good moments occurred more frequently, life would have been a little better…

Lost In Life

I have never really written regularly here ever since I joined college and its already been an year and a half. Can you believe that! Just six months left for me to leave college, be a post graduate and see the real world. I mean how the hell did it happen? Time passed in the blink of an eye…. I still remember the time I started blogging, clueless about what to do with my life, sitting at home, crying my eyes out, taking out all my frustration over here… I was 22, stupid, scared, overly emotional, a complete fool. Well, I may be stupid even now but I am a different person, may be I have grown up. I am about to be 24 in two months, many of my friends are getting married, some are pregnant and although these updates about their lives  do unnerve me, I am okay with it. I still don’t know what to do with my life, I am yet to find my passion, I suck at everything I have to do in the lab to get my degree, I keep googling the term ” how to quit college” all the time but I am okay, you know a different kind of okay. Yesterday when my dad called me ( which is a very rare thing), I literally choked up while talking to him about my life. I mean crying while talking to my dad!!! I could never have imagined that. I realized that how much ever I want to hate him, I don’t really do. That was a good realization on a bad day. And there are things like these that keep me going.

Did I tell you all that I have got some awesome friends here in college. They are like friends I used to see in movies… friends who know all about your crazy stories, about your hook ups, crushes, dirty intentions etc. I never really had a “college life” during my graduation days. Yes, I had awesome friends then too but we were all a group of innocent people, the slumdogs, the inferiors, we didn’t like the way we were. And that “me” changed when I came over to this place. From being a scared little introvert, I slowly discovered myself and started enjoying life rather than just passing it. You know I even got into a roller coaster ( OK…don’t laugh, it was a BIG thing for me). There were things that I wanted to do but never really did because, I don’t know..I was weird. I completely wasted my graduation days. I don’t know why I was so depressed all the time. I am a much happier person now. Well I am sad too, but that gloom of sadness never interferes with my happy world. To be precise, life never gets boring over here..there is always something to do, whether for fun or for majboori.

All in all, I am on a roller coaster ride my friends…up and down..up and down… and that’s how life is supposed to be, I guess. How are you going doing? Do let me know.

The ‘Rachel’

It must be the umpteenth time that I was watching FRIENDS. And it still feels like the first time. You get attached to the characters. You sometimes live one of them for real. And one of the closest thing I can feel is that of Ross and Rachel. It’s a fictional sitcom and still there is this bond that feels so real. There is always an on-off relationship thing that never ends between them. You see them fight, you see them cry and then you see them back together. And even watching it hundreds of times doesn’t let that feeling of goosebumps cease.

It’s funny how you are hung up on a character. There will always be a new person in your life. You are going to be with them. So why is it weird that one person will always be there who never really manages to escape your thoughts? Why is that even after so many years she is still going to be there in your life and mind? Maybe not physically, but she is going to be there. There is always going to be her who you never could be with, even when being together was always meant to be. It’s not like you want to get back together or want her back in your life. But no matter, whom you meet or what you do, it will be never be the way it was with her. There will always be her.

You will move on with your life and you will be happy. You will find new people. You will try to erase the past, but you will always know that the person you were in front of her can never be in front of anyone else. You try to console yourself that she must be happy with her life and you should be too. And maybe you are. But somehow you never seem to lose hope. You hope that someday, somehow she comes back. And when you are alone at night, these memories come rushing back. Some happy and some sad ones. They still make you laugh and they still bring tears in your eyes. You rewind those moments again and again and try to figure out the things you could have done to never let it end.

Life goes on and so you do too. But some sort of invisible string remains. The string that never seems to get weak. And someday, no matter how, when you cross paths with your Rachel, you know that, that string will make you smile. You will forget the pain you went through, for, you know that none of them ever mattered. And then you will know for sure, she was indeed yours. She, was your Rachel. 🙂

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( A friend of mine wrote this and even though I haven’t seen Friends, I found it so beautiful that I wanted to share it on my blog. This was something that left me speechless. 🙂  )

Farewell…2013!!!

As 2014 sets in, I sit here in my room thinking of the year that has gone by. What an eventful year it has been for me!  The first four months were spent in filling application forms, writing entrance exams, and waiting for results. And yes, it was a depressing phase of my life. I was unsure of my future; I was scared of failure, of sitting idle for one more year. Thankfully that didn’t happen as I managed to do well in one of those exams. The next three months I was travelling to different parts of the country attending interviews, counselling, writing some more exams. I went to Delhi almost every week. I went to Bangalore, Chennai, Dehradun, Roorkee, West Bengal. I spent less time at home than at airports, railway and bus stations. It was an exciting phase for me. For the first time in life I was travelling all alone, meeting friends, bloggers, and strangers on the way. I lost old friends but made new ones, and that was really great.

Pratiksha was the first blogger I met in person . Unlike my ‘real’ friends she took some time off from office to come and see me in Chennai while I was there for an exam. Even hot and humid Chennai was fun with her. We went to Marina beach, discussed the good and not so good things happening in our lives. We wrote our names on sand, tried to click pictures together which unfortunately didn’t come out right. The day ended with an awesome dinner. I love you Prat for being such a great friend, to never judge me for the choices I have made in life, and to be there for me.

The second meeting was with Tatsat, the most complicated person I’ve ever known, though he’ll start arguing with me for calling him complicated, but that doesn’t matter anymore I guess. So, I was this little girl who bothered him by writing long emails, for seeking his opinion on every issue in her life and then arguing with him over the suggestions he has given. We met in Delhi, two times this year, roamed in CP both the times, discussed about life, career and mostly about love. He is the only one among my friends who has actually met my boyfriend, and as my guy doesn’t know about my blog, I have to lie to him that Tatsat is my cousin..hehe. Crazy, is the word that describes us both.  I respect you for the choices you have made in life, and for standing firm by those choices. I hope you find the things and people who never disappoint you. I honestly hope so. Btw you were the blogger who commented the most on my blog this year. Thank you for that.

Lastly, how can I ever forget the three days I spent with Yash, in Bangalore. Those frequent emails, the innocent chats, exchanging numbers within 3 days we met (online), those texts and the calls where I cried for reasons I didn’t know. Two hopeless romantics, broken hearts talking about their respective love lives, their loss, their regrets. ..While my friends called me insane for being infatuated with a random guy I met through my blog, I couldn’t stop myself from talking to you. You made me realize how I was living a lie, you made me cry to make me normal, you were the friend I never had. I never intended to  hurt you, and if somehow I have, I am sorry for that. When I met you, I realized how you were as vulnerable as I was, that you’ve lost people you didn’t want to lose, how you have dreams of making it big in life and how you are working so hard for that. I really respect you for that and I hope you succeed in everything you do.

Coming back to my life in 2013,  I joined college in August. This college was nothing like my previous one. That one had big buildings, huge infrastructure, mean people, few friends and more enemies… this one has people with big hearts instead of big buildings, people who respect you for your nature, intelligence, more than your looks or money. My professional life isn’t that great but I am more confident and happy. I am living each day as it comes. I still cry over petty issues but I laugh more.

The last post I wrote was before my exams. I was ill for a long time. December was a really bad month for me in terms of health this year. As I came home, I was diagnosed with typhoid. I had plans to visit my hometown, but couldn’t do so owing to my illness. I have been to hospitals all this month, sometimes for myself and then for my relatives. While people visit pilgrimages, tourist spots during their holidays I spent most of the time in hospitals. Yes, it depresses me sometimes but in some ways or other I am helping people, and that is what I want to do in life, so it’s not that bad. I really hoped not to visit a hospital tomorrow, as it was the first day of the year, but today my mom is tested positive for typhoid, and I am quite sure it’s because of me. So, I’ve another appointment with the doctor tomorrow. We really can’t expect life to be as we plan right, so that’s the reason I never make any New Year resolutions. Life for me, is never normal. And honestly, I am not complaining.

2013 was an year of changes, of learning to letting go, of finding happiness with little things, of taking care of my own people, of arguments and heartbreaks, but everything has its own significance.Often we tend to forget old things, when we find something new. I am one such person who loves living in her memories, remembering people who left, and thanking the ones who stayed.   And if you have made it till here, I want to wish you a very very Happy New Year. I hope to write a lot more this year and I thank you for still being with me in this journey.  🙂

The Last Sunset

The Last Sunset

Weekly Photo Challenge: Companionable

Bhola sleeping on the bed as sun rays fall over him...

Bhola sleeping on the bed as sun rays fall over him…

 

Reading Biochemistry: Yes, he is trying to help me with my studies. ;)

Reading Biochemistry: Yes, he is trying to help me with my studies. 😉

 

I know buddy, the world outside is so much more interesting than Biochemistry lessons. :(

I know buddy, the world outside is so much more interesting than Biochemistry. 😦

 

Since the one year that I’ve been home he has been my only companion. Living in a completely new town, I don’t know many people here, well, none my age, and all those times that I’ve been sad, teary eyed, I’ve hugged him like my one true friend. I have told him things even my mother doesn’t know. I’ve even cried keeping him in my lap. And he has always been the same, the silent, mute spectator, looking at me with his thoughtful eyes. We have played together numerous times and slept under one blanket like siblings. He is the only pet we’ve ever had. And I love him for being with me, for being a friend, a true companion.

 

My entry to the Weekly Photo Challenge.

 

Happy Birthday to Me

Tomorrow i.e. on 31st January is my birthday. This one’s gonna be the most sober birthday in these 22 years of my life. Unlike the earlier years i don’t have new clothes to wear, i don’t have a cake and i don’t have any gifts. Few people will call me and the day will pass like any other day. Though it sounds like that but i am not complaining. The people who really love me will call me, even if they won’t due to some reasons they’ll at least think about me once and that is enough for me. I am the one who has chosen to live this way. I must not complain about it.

Last year's cake. My boyfriend calls me MPS. No one knows what it stands for, that's why they wrote it on my cake. ;-)
Last year’s cake. My boyfriend calls me MPS. No one knows what it stands for, that’s why they wrote it on my cake. 😉 and i won’t tell what it means. He has never given me a cute name and like all names given by him i hate it too.

I am not happy, I am not sad, I am just okay and sometimes its okay to be okay. I recently read the book “The Power” by Rhonda Byrne. This book has inspired me and i am starting to believe in the law of attraction. We do get the things we really want in life, we just need to have faith and believe on the power of our dreams. We must love the things we want in our life. Love has immense power, the power to make dreams come true. And in this new year of my life i’ve decided to be optimistic about life. I’ve decided to be positive and hopeful, to believe in the power of my dreams. I don’t know how all this works but i want to believe that it does work. I don’t know where life is leading me, whether i’ll be able to get into a college or not, but somehow i want to believe that i’ll. I am not going to be a pessimist anymore. And i’ll try my best to be positive even if life forces me not to be that.

So keeping all my wonderful birthday memories in my mind, i am going to start a new year. I don’t know how its going to be but i do have faith that everything will fall back into place. I read a quote recently in one of the blogs, it said,

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born
and the day you find out why.”

Its been 22 years since i was born, I think very soon i’ll find out the reason too.

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Best Friends Forever

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

9th September 2008, the first day i met her. A shy, innocent and naive young girl from Karnataka. It was our first day in college and she was the only one who talked to me in hindi.We both had to apply for hostel and so we went to the warden together. That day and every day after that till the last day of college we did everything together. She was like me in many ways and yet she was so different. I was short tempered, her dictionary didn’t have the word temper, i was the spoilt one, she was too cultured, i would shout for every small reason, and she would look here and there to check if someone is hearing us. All those four years in college we spent the whole day together, from 9 am to 11 pm. She would come everyday to my room to wake me up, ask me if i had brushed yet or not, slam me for not taking bath, then we would run to college, have breakfast together, sit together in class, lunch together, evening tea and parle g (i can never forget that, i miss parle g 😦 ), roam together after college, and after having dinner we would go back to our respective rooms. She used to sleep very early, i on the other hand was insomniac. We were always together, always. We had fights, really serious fights. I would always shout on her, she like always would say nothing in return. And again in few minutes we would be back together. She understood me like no one else. We would never get bored talking. It was good even if there were many problems in our respective lives…Life was good. We have many memories together. The first day in college, the days at hostel, the fights over what to eat for dinner, the Mysore trip, her sister’s wedding, the stressful days during exams, the way we used to envy dogs because they didn’t have to study, the days we didn’t eat because we fought with each other, the day she scolded me for not brushing my teeth and i poured  hot tea over her in anger,  the bitching sessions, the times she abused me for crying over my love life, the days i taught her hindi slangs (she masters the art now, more than me), all the days we cried, we laughed, we enjoyed, i can never forget those moments. Friends came and friends left in both of our lives but we had each other. Each moment i cherish about my college life, she comes into the picture, because she was always there. College ended last year but not our friendship. We call each other minimum three times a day.We still have so much to share, to laugh about. I always used to tell her, if you were a guy, you know i would’ve married you. I can write thousand words about us, yet i could never express the love and friendship we share. Words are just not enough.

This is for you SKK. You know i miss you a lot. I know i’ll never ever get a friend like you. When i stopped believing in friendship, you came like an angel into my life. You made me believe that best friends do exist, that people can be different yet care so immensely for each other. You were, you are and you’ll be always be my best friend. I know its going to be a little boring without me but what can we do now. Just pray for me so that i can give you a small gift next year, unlike a post like this (Compensation for not giving you a gift)

Happy Birthday, Moti.