There was a time when I would open WordPress, write a post in fifteen minutes, not think about how it made me look, and enjoy the process. Writing feels like a job now. I’ve already edited these two sentences seven times. When did everything become so strenuous?
Maybe it has to do with the fact that this blog chronicled my life, and after a lot of rants, I became too conscious of sharing my miserable life here. Who would want to read about the girl who always complains? But I realized that I didn’t start this blog for others to judge but for me to let it all out, to navigate through tough times. I wrote because it was too difficult not to. Although, when I think about the times, nine or seven or five years ago, life was much better. I didn’t know it then, but those were the good times. I never imagined such a downward trajectory in life. Who does?
The past seven months have been harsh. Who hasn’t suffered in this raging pandemic? I mean, families have been destroyed, kids orphaned, economies destroyed. 2020 was rough, and after that, I was waiting for 2021 to be better. I turned thirty this year, and seriously I was looking for my twenties to get over. I was sick of that decade. I so wanted to be thirty and start a life, and I was waiting for a miracle. Instead, I only got more challenges.
Mum has been in and out of hospitals many times in the past few months. Every time I took her to the emergency ward, I was almost sure that she wouldn’t survive. Two heart failures and a head injury plus the constant fear that we would get covid, so many days spent at hospitals fearing the worst, it was the most challenging time of my life.
Saving my mum has become the sole aim of my life. And the circumstances of the past few months have made my life miserable.
I am the sole caregiver of my old parents, and it is in no way an easy task. I don’t remember the last time I interacted with a person my age face to face. Thanks to covid, we can’t go anywhere. The only time I’ve spent away from my parents was this two-day trip I took to Jaipur for some exam. My anxiety shoots through the roof every evening because my mum had both her attacks at night. You can’t forget those desperate times when your loved one starts saying what she believes are her last words to you.
May was the worst month of all time. I remember this one week where we lost one relative every single day of the week to covid. Every time the phone rang, we were scared to hear of another death in the family. Sure, I wasn’t close to these people, but my parents were. They lost their cousins, aunts, childhood friends. Grief had somehow become a constant in our lives. While I waited outside hospital benches, I saw people in emergency wards gasping for breath, being declined beds; I prayed for my mum. I just wasn’t ready to grieve again. I couldn’t let her go.
All this has occupied so much space in my mind that I’ve almost forgotten my other miseries. Unemployment, failures, grief, anxiety is now a regular part of my life. I can’t think of a time where I was happy or where I would be. All these years of ranting here, of being lost, oh god, take me back to those times.
Is this how adulthood is for everybody? There must be some happy moments, right! Sure, I didn’t opt for the usual ones such as marriage or children or building a family, but there must be some joys allotted to single women. I am even skeptical to say it can’t get worse because every time, it does.
At this point, I am just grateful that my family is safe. I spend my days in anxiety, but it is okay, my mum is here with me. I don’t know for how long, and tears have welled up in my eyes, but it’ll be okay.
Tell me that it’ll be okay.
P.S. To finish this post has been one of my major achievements this year. I think the most important. I was really sad several years ago and started writing here and it opened this whole new world for me. This has really helped me, more than anything I’ve done in recent times.
Zainab, if you are reading this…thank you for sending that email, it really pushed me to write . I don’t know who you are but I read your mail today and decided to come back here. Thank you.