Good girls get married…

Good girls get married.

They go from one house to another,

Coyly smiling with their bright red lips

and mascara stained  eyes,

because only shameless girls

don’t cry during vidaai!

Good girls get married.

They never speak loud and

Always cover up their heads

With a saree,

They apply red bindi, sindoor

And a chain around their neck

To be a sanskari naari.

Good girls get married.

They don’t date random men

they meet on the internet.

They wait for their parents,

to set them up with strangers instead.

Good girls get married.

They remove the tattoos of past lovers

 from their shoulders,

And dye their hands with henna,

they tame their curls and tie them up in a bun,

They keep fasts on Fridays,

Praying for a son.

Good girls don’t swear,

complain or question

old, illogical  traditions,

they follow rules-

neither love nor lust,

without permission.

Good girls don’t laugh out loud,

Or write out poems on their oppression.

Good girls just get married.

Alas, I am not a good girl.

33dbdc06994b7bf8129009b09039e467

Image from here.

P.S. Well… Hello People!!!

Some Things End, Some Begin…

I am not sure whether this is a comeback post or just a culmination of all the posts I am trying to write in the past several months. I can’t believe that I started this blog with the dreams of becoming a writer someday but somehow it ended up being a graveyard of my sorrows and broken dreams.

I know I have written some pretty intense things here, my struggle with depression, my failures, my heartbreaks and if someone who knows me in real life right now ends up reading this, he’ll be in one hell of a shock. That is the thing with people, you never really know them in entirety but only bits and pieces of what they want you to know. But this blog is where I feel whole. The internet is usually a place to show off your best life but for me blogging turned out to be a journey to find myself and be true to my own beliefs. If this means I have to share my not-so-great life with others, I am okay with it.

***

I started working three months ago. It isn’t exactly a “job” but I get paid, get a chance to do something at a reputable place, and also see new people, talk , laugh, have tea or lunch with them, which is unlike what I’ve been doing since the past two years, that is sitting on my bed and contemplating my future.

The good part about this thing is I am working in my own town. For a long time now, I was really worried about my parents living alone. They are in their 60s-70s and although I am more of a liability than an asset but just being here with them calms my mind. I’ll admit, it is sometimes a pain to live with your parents when you are an adult and have tasted freedom before but I would rather spend time with my mom than on random “social” things.

***

To Alok,

It was the second week of September when I came to know about your untimely demise. It was much more difficult to accept that you took your own life. I have only known you through our blogs and the little interaction we had over comments but you were always a positive influence in my life. It is hard to believe that you aren’t around anymore. I’ll miss your motivating comments. I’ll miss seeing the world through your blog. You were such an enthusiastic and motivated individual. I wish the world wasn’t too hard on you.

I don’t know how many times I’ve opened WordPress to write you a proper goodbye, but it is just too difficult. I can’t imagine what your family is going through right now.

Goodbye my friend. I hope you find peace wherever you are.

***

I am okay. And I may not be in a state to write about this right now but I am okay. Sometimes, the things that you have worked for almost a third of your lifetime don’t work out but still feel worth it. I know nothing makes sense right now but someday it will. Love, like many other things is about how hard you work to make it work. And it doesn’t always have to end in a good way, or end at all. You could be in love without being in a relationship or feel unloved in spite of having someone to hold on to.

Everything comes to an end in this mortal world. It hurts, but this is what grief does. It makes you feel alive and even when something doesn’t work out the way you always imagined it to be, it doesn’t mean you have to live with regrets.

You’ll be okay one day.

***

It has been almost six years since I’ve been writing here, on and off. There are times when some people (and by some I mean you Nomadosauras) dig up my old posts and comment on them. I have a pretty bad memory and sometimes I don’t even get the context of what people are commenting on. So, I go back and read my posts and it feels amazingly weird. I feel like I am reading someone else’s words. Sometimes it doesn’t even sound like my life. Sometimes it does but written from someone else’s perspective. Just so weird. I don’t know if I am able to put words to my feelings but it is just surreal.

And boy, have I grown in all these years!!! I was such a stupid girl. Well, I am still pretty weird and stupid but I am happy, in spite of the zillions of problems in my life.

Just the other day I was telling Vishnu that happiness to me is contentment. I don’t think I am content with life, not yet and probably not ever. And there are days, or even weeks when I cry my eyes out but generally, in a normal kinda way, I feel okay.

For several years, I have had this feeling that I wasn’t rich, intelligent, or pretty enough. Everything felt inadequate. I looked at friends, with jobs, with life partners, with money, property and a “life” while I had nothing. I have almost none of these things even now but I have stopped looking. Not to sound too “enlightened” I still have my “days-of-doubt” but my feelings are a little controlled. I feel blessed… with all “the little” I have.

***

2019 is going to be a great year. I don’t know how or why or what am I going to do then but I have this belief that it is gonna be AWESOME.

I want to believe this.

I have to believe this.

To quote John Green, I’ll be on a roller-coaster that only goes up my friend.

***

HAPPY NEW YEAR. IMG_20181224_162356

This Is Not The End…

Have you ever noticed when a celebrity commits suicide, there is a flood of comments on social media by fans or friends like

  • Wish we had known he/she was depressed, we could have saved him
  • Oh, his/her songs were all about how he was feeling, why didn’t we notice it earlier
  • He/she should have talked about it

I don’t think anyone really understands what goes on inside the mind of a depressed person. Most people do talk about the hardships they are going through but I guess the world just fail to notice it. We hear things, but we don’t really listen!

I would be lying if I say that I don’t think about dying. I do. No, I am not exactly suicidal but sometimes “the end” seems like a fair option. The worst part however is, it is just not a viable option for me. Some days ago I read a quote on twitter that said, “When you give up on life, you don’t end the pain, you just transfer it to someone else”, and I don’t want to be the reason for someone’s pain. And to be honest, after spending so many years struggling with life, I don’t want to give up now. What if I die without seeing any happiness in life? What a waste of life it would be! Whatever tough times I am going through, these won’t last forever right! What if I accept darkness right before dawn! Matlab yaar, jiye bina hi mar gayi toh kya fayda?

This is what I think majority of the times.

And then, there are other days, those that brings another failure, that crush another hope and my mind goes into a negative spiral. What if I am supposed to be a failure all my life? What if this darkness consumes me entirely? It doesn’t help that the guy is going through similar stuff and is stuck in a more complicated spiral than me. And so when both of us feel low, we talk about death, and then we laugh and then we plan and then we laugh again. What a twisted sad little couple we are! And because among the two of us, I read more stuff on the internet than him (and is more woke) so I inspire him with little anecdotes like,

  • We have reached so low that the only way now is Up…
  • There is always a storm before the rainbow…
  • It is darkest before the dawn…

Blah blah blah…

And so, I take upon myself the unfathomable task of keeping two people alive, hopeful and happy with what they have.

And while doing so, I get to talk to nobody. I am not complaining about this, neither am I saying that people have abandoned me. To be honest, I have abandoned others. I don’t know if any of you relate to this but I feel like as we grow older, we just lose the connection we used to have with our old friends/acquaintances. I just don’t connect to anybody anymore. Even if I try to tell someone how I feel, I know that I am being judged rather than being understood. And so I tread alone…

Jodi tor dak sune keu na ashe,

Tobe ekla cholo re…

(If no one answers your call, then walk alone …)

And so, I turn to this blog to let my heart out, to tell you that I am suffering and however hard I try not to write sappy stuff out here, I fail to do so. I don’t want to write these things here because several of my friends know about this blog. I don’t know if anyone among them still reads it, but I don’t want to let them know about the state I am in right now. Call it my ego or whatever, I don’t want anyone’s sympathy, especially the people who actually think they know me in real life. I don’t think people who go through tough times, want to be sympathised for it. They may want to be understood but isn’t that a lot to expect in this kalyug!

Anyway, this is it with my rant! I am okay. Okay is a word I relate to a lot. It says so much without actually saying anything.

This was not a call for help. This was just a way for my future self to know that life sucked big time in my past but it’ll all be worth it in the end.

Or agar end mai sab okay na ho, to wo end nahi hai, picture abhi baaki hai mere dost….

The Living and the Dead

#Isolated

Because it is difficult for me to talk to people right now, I am drawing.

It is 3 am and I guess I should get some sleep. The superhero movie marathon resumes tomorrow. Sometimes it is better to stay away from the world. When I was a teen, my worst fear was to be lonely, now that I am older, I think it is better to have no company at all. I am more comfortable with being alone.

Or may be I have figured out the difference between being alone and being lonely.

Alone feels better.

Buddha’s Teaching

Some stories remain with us for a long time. This one is from a history book I happen to read for an exam and this is what I often quote to people or remind myself at times of anger or displeasure-

One day Buddha and his disciples were passing through a village. An ignorant and rude man came up to him and started abusing him. The Buddha listened to him silently and after the man was done abusing he asked the young man, ” Tell me my son, if you give a present to someone and he doesn’t accept it, to whom does the present belong?”

The man replied, ” It belongs to me as I am the one who bought it”

The Buddha then said, ” Dear son, I do not accept your abuse. You are angry with me and have bestowed me with curses, but if I do not accept your anger, then the anger falls back onto you just as the gift returns to its owner.” 

The story might be a modified version of what happened back then but every time I read this, it gives me the strength to ignore the insults, the anger, the hurt directed towards me by anyone. I know, it is very tough to apply such teachings in real life but life is nothing but a game of trial and error. Moreover, in the last few years I have really tried to control my anger. I was a very short tempered girl once, ready to explode and force my wrath over someone in a matter of seconds  (my mother and best friend were the worst causalities). Now, I try not to hurt people. I do fail, many times but trust me, I have improved quite a lot.

( P.S. My boyfriend would laugh out loud after reading this because he is still subjected to my cruelty on a daily basis.)

Astray

When I started blogging, I used to write almost anything that happened in my life here and probably that is the reason why blogging felt like therapy. I could let out my emotions, my anxiety, my insecurities without the fear of being judged by people. Now, I don’t write down my thoughts as clearly  as I want to because:

A. Too many people know about this blog, friends as well as strangers who became friends. And to write about my constant failures in a world which is obsessed with showing off their best life in social media seems foolish sometimes. I mean people like reading about success stories, the rags to riches gossips, those anecdotes from the life of people who made fortunes overnight but my life is an example of how you fu*k up everything, how you never find success and keep on waiting for “enlightenment”. And I don’t think even my actual friends understand the kind of life I am living right now. It is tough even to breathe sometimes and no one wants to hear that.

B. Blogging has been corrupted by the Instagram and Facebook population, diseased by the fad of instant likes and reactions. I mean who are these people who leave 10 likes/second on my blog. Do you read with the speed of light?

C. And again, what is with these misogynistic and Islamophobic posts I see in my reader these days. A few months ago I happened to check one of my follower’s blog and my blood boiled in anger when I read an  entire post about how women are responsible for getting their a** fuc**d (in his language) and how he would use a women for sex if she wears short clothes but would only marry a “cultured” girl. That unapologetic, entitled, sexist, egoistic, male made me vomit. If anyone reading this has the same kind of thoughts, feel free to unfollow me and run in the opposite direction. People who believe all Muslims are terrorists could do the same thing. I am instantly going to block those people who spew filth in the name of religion. I spent most of my childhood in a Muslim family, the first girl-friend I made was a Muslim and if you are going to write shit about people and call them names just because they follow a certain religion then you are a disgrace in my eyes. I don’t think the blogging world deserves this. Well, I don’t think our actual world deserves this. The word needs kindness and tolerance not divisive politics.

Anyway, I am sorry if I am subjecting you to this negativity. I just feel like I should write about these things because this is what makes me feel better and this is what I am.  I am lost and life is just not fair to me and my guy and the only thing that gives me a little relief is this blog. I don’t even care about privacy anymore because the government, facebook, google is anyway spying on all of us, they might as well read this and understand that there is no point snooping on already fuc**d up individuals. Haha…

The Mandatory Birthday Post

When my sister called in today to ask if I am excited for my birthday, I told her no one likes to celebrate old age. Well, I used to be excited (which is a huge understatement) for my birthday until I turned twenty five. Now, this day just reminds me of how I am getting older every moment with almost none of my dreams looking to materialize in real life. The only unique thing about this birthday of mine is that I am sick since last few weeks and would spend my day sleeping and watching random videos.

I don’t like the depressing tone this post has attained so I would like to write about the things I did achieve since the time I turned twenty five. These aren’t great achievements in monetary/ professional fronts but have actually helped me in certain inexpressible ways.

  1. Ever since I turned eighteen I was very confident that I would never learn cooking, like never ever in my lives. Any day I entered kitchen I either broke or burned something, and thus my mom had pretty much debarred me from the kitchen. However in the past two years, I have not only learned to cook but I enjoy it. I have made chicken dishes, Chinese food, local pahadi food from scratch, and can pretty much cook anything (thanks to Youtube).
  2. I was a Shopaholic, like mad about buying clothes, shoes, bags during my college days, especially with the extra stipend I was getting during my PG. And I used to buy useless things; clothes I would never be comfortable wearing, shoes that hurt, and cosmetics I would never touch etc. I have now controlled my shopping urge. From being called a wasteful spender to pretty much being called a miser I have come a long way.
  3. Right from childhood, I never hesitated to help anyone with what I had, money, food etc except clothes. I associated memories with the clothes I wore and could never give them away even if I knew someone needed them. I don’t do that anymore. Last year I donated a number of clothes to little girls around my place and it felt good. Someday, if I become able enough to help more people in any way I can, I surely would. It somehow fees like my calling.
  4. I have had acne all my life. There was a time when my only goal in life was to wake up one day and see a spotless face in the mirror. I have struggled to accept my face the way it is almost my entire adult life. I have let acne run my life, like literally missing meeting friends, attending parties, events, etc because of how ugly I looked. However, slowly I am coming to terms with it. I used make up for the first time last year as I didn’t want myself to get depressed over the disheartening taunts of my relatives. But make up just made me feel more inauthentic. I never used it again. Random people in metro comment on my face and it does hurt me more than it should but I am getting better. There are people in the world who have so many things to worry about than some useless skin disorder. I can live with it.
  5. I have tried to improve my lifestyle in recent times. I mostly eat healthy. I am pretty sure that I am over my soft drink addiction and I have tried cutting down usage of ecologically harmful products. I wash my face with honey instead of face wash. I wash my clothes with soapnuts (reetha) instead of detergent. I try to buy organic and eco-friendly products wherever possible, especially from micro or small village industries. It not only helps me to lead a healthy life but also helps small farmers or innovators in certain ways.
  6. Last but not the least; I have learned to be happy. Contrary to how my blog sounds like, I am not that much of a depressed person. There was a time back in college, when I was too angry on people, on my parents, on myself for how life turned out for me even though it wasn’t half bad as it is now. I have controlled my anger to a great extent. I do have episodes of anger /depression/crying a few times even now but I calm down sooner and I don’t brood about LIFE the way I used to. I am okay.
  7. Oh…. how can I forget, I even learned to change diapers, not just filled with pee but poop too. This has to be my greatest achievement especially as I have no intention to be a mother ever. My mom still can’t believe that I cleaned my potty smeared nephew with my bare hands.

Well, I started writing this yesterday and my birthday will be over in another hour. 31/01/2018 was so different than the day I imagined it to be around a decade ago but what good it would be it life was so predictable!

To many more unpredictable, mysterious years…let’s see where life takes me!!!

birthday