Some Things End, Some Begin…

I am not sure whether this is a comeback post or just a culmination of all the posts I am trying to write in the past several months. I can’t believe that I started this blog with the dreams of becoming a writer someday but somehow it ended up being a graveyard of my sorrows and broken dreams.

I know I have written some pretty intense things here, my struggle with depression, my failures, my heartbreaks and if someone who knows me in real life right now ends up reading this, he’ll be in one hell of a shock. That is the thing with people, you never really know them in entirety but only bits and pieces of what they want you to know. But this blog is where I feel whole. The internet is usually a place to show off your best life but for me blogging turned out to be a journey to find myself and be true to my own beliefs. If this means I have to share my not-so-great life with others, I am okay with it.

***

I started working three months ago. It isn’t exactly a “job” but I get paid, get a chance to do something at a reputable place, and also see new people, talk , laugh, have tea or lunch with them, which is unlike what I’ve been doing since the past two years, that is sitting on my bed and contemplating my future.

The good part about this thing is I am working in my own town. For a long time now, I was really worried about my parents living alone. They are in their 60s-70s and although I am more of a liability than an asset but just being here with them calms my mind. I’ll admit, it is sometimes a pain to live with your parents when you are an adult and have tasted freedom before but I would rather spend time with my mom than on random “social” things.

***

To Alok,

It was the second week of September when I came to know about your untimely demise. It was much more difficult to accept that you took your own life. I have only known you through our blogs and the little interaction we had over comments but you were always a positive influence in my life. It is hard to believe that you aren’t around anymore. I’ll miss your motivating comments. I’ll miss seeing the world through your blog. You were such an enthusiastic and motivated individual. I wish the world wasn’t too hard on you.

I don’t know how many times I’ve opened WordPress to write you a proper goodbye, but it is just too difficult. I can’t imagine what your family is going through right now.

Goodbye my friend. I hope you find peace wherever you are.

***

I am okay. And I may not be in a state to write about this right now but I am okay. Sometimes, the things that you have worked for almost a third of your lifetime don’t work out but still feel worth it. I know nothing makes sense right now but someday it will. Love, like many other things is about how hard you work to make it work. And it doesn’t always have to end in a good way, or end at all. You could be in love without being in a relationship or feel unloved in spite of having someone to hold on to.

Everything comes to an end in this mortal world. It hurts, but this is what grief does. It makes you feel alive and even when something doesn’t work out the way you always imagined it to be, it doesn’t mean you have to live with regrets.

You’ll be okay one day.

***

It has been almost six years since I’ve been writing here, on and off. There are times when some people (and by some I mean you Nomadosauras) dig up my old posts and comment on them. I have a pretty bad memory and sometimes I don’t even get the context of what people are commenting on. So, I go back and read my posts and it feels amazingly weird. I feel like I am reading someone else’s words. Sometimes it doesn’t even sound like my life. Sometimes it does but written from someone else’s perspective. Just so weird. I don’t know if I am able to put words to my feelings but it is just surreal.

And boy, have I grown in all these years!!! I was such a stupid girl. Well, I am still pretty weird and stupid but I am happy, in spite of the zillions of problems in my life.

Just the other day I was telling Vishnu that happiness to me is contentment. I don’t think I am content with life, not yet and probably not ever. And there are days, or even weeks when I cry my eyes out but generally, in a normal kinda way, I feel okay.

For several years, I have had this feeling that I wasn’t rich, intelligent, or pretty enough. Everything felt inadequate. I looked at friends, with jobs, with life partners, with money, property and a “life” while I had nothing. I have almost none of these things even now but I have stopped looking. Not to sound too “enlightened” I still have my “days-of-doubt” but my feelings are a little controlled. I feel blessed… with all “the little” I have.

***

2019 is going to be a great year. I don’t know how or why or what am I going to do then but I have this belief that it is gonna be AWESOME.

I want to believe this.

I have to believe this.

To quote John Green, I’ll be on a roller-coaster that only goes up my friend.

***

HAPPY NEW YEAR. IMG_20181224_162356

Daily Post: Stroke of Midnight

I was in my room,

On my bed,

With my cat,

Sleeping on my lap,

Staring at my phone,

Except two, no one called!

Obviously I never wanted it to be like that but that’s how it was. Off late, i am kind of used to being alone. Living with just my parents in a new town, i don’t have anyone to talk to, except two of my friends who stay miles away from me, so basically we just talk on phone. But, i don’t feel lonely anymore. I can spend hours sitting idle, without telivision,texts,phone,internet,books, anything. I don’t get excited to celebrate such special days now, be it new year, my birthday, diwali or any other festival.

As we grow up, we lose interest in so many things which used to be so important to us at some point of time. Am i the only one feeling that or is it a general phenomenon? Well, i don’t know. Sometimes i feel i’ve really lost that innocent little girl, running down the lanes of her small hilly town, wearing those colorful frocks, enthusiastic for every small festival or day. The one who exists now is a girl who wants to relive her past, hates her present and is scared about her future.

Where were you last night when 2012 turned into 2013? Is that where you’d wanted to be?

The Year That Was ( Thank You Bloggers)

2012, the shortest year of my life, i don’t know why i am really not in a mood to accept that the new year is indeed here. Just few days back we were in hostel,celebrating new year and its new year again tomorrow. How time flies! Today i am gonna write about all those positives i encountered this year. (I don’t wanna ruin my mood by writing the depressing things in my life)

1. The Project: Yes, the best thing i’ve done in my life, our final semester project which got the Best Project award on our farewell day. The last day in college when I got the opportunity to go on stage and accept that award. I can’t tell you the happiness i felt right that moment. It was truly one of the best moments of my life. The way we worked on that project and the final result we got. I can never forget that.

2. Overcoming that fear: I am an introvert. I had stage fright. It started the day i forgot the Indian pledge in the school assembly. I just couldn’t talk in front of people. I had ideas but i just couldn’t speak. Somehow i managed the presentations at college level. But then there was this competition where i had to participate, but how, i was scared. How would i present my paper and compete with so many bright young students all over Bangalore. But then i did it, i presented the paper and not only did i present it , i won the first prize in an All India level technical fest. I still can’t believe it. Those were the first 1000 Rs i earned in my life. I was proud of myself for the first time.

3. Love: Yes, i am gonna count it among the positives. It was this year when we got to spend one whole day with each other, call it fate, coincidence but there we were, together for exact 24 hours for the first time. It was again one of the best days of my life. We broke up many times, we patched up again, broke up,patched up,it goes on. But what mattered is we loved each other. We had problems in our individual lives. I was depressed about my future, he was depressed about his college. The last time i thought he was ignoring me, he was actually in a bad state. He failed. He is in IIT. Being in the best college of India, he is depressed.We are truly opposites, i yearn to be there some day and he wants to get out  of there as soon as possible. And now we know, and we’ve discussed it many times that  although we don’t have any future but we’ll be together. We don’t want to think about it. And that is fine for now.

4: Home: I finally came back to my home, not any government flat,relatives house,rented home but my own house. Yes, we now have a house of our own. Thinking about the days my parents have spent, we could never think of a home of our own but here it is. It was a dream come true. My parents had seen very bad days, we were very poor, we lived in 2 rooms all our life, now even our cat has a room of his own. How time changes!  talking about home, i finally left hostel and i am having home cooked food since the last 7 months, no more burgers,idly,vada,lemon rice but my mom’s food.

5: Blogging: I am blogging finally. I started this blog in August 2012 and its been a great journey. I met so many people here. People who inspired me, who taught me new things, who gave me insights into new cultures, people who were different, and who didn’t bash me for being what i am, who gave me suggestions, hugs,prayers. Blogging helped me to discover that i could write poems, i had the ability to play with words. I was nominated for many awards, and i loved that. WordPress gave me a new world. I would hereby like to thank few bloggers who are really special to me.

meholysmile– She’s so like me. Thank you for sharing your journey with me. Wish you all the best in life. I am sure you are gonna rock this year.

soumya– Thank you for your poems. You inspire me in many ways. The way you share your thoughts on my blog, its really appreciated.

vishnu– Another inspiring blogger. His posts make me to think about my life. He’s a true brother i’ve found here. Thank you for your prayers.

pleiades– Thank you for the thoughts you share. They make my day beautiful.

Wendell– Thank you for sharing your views on God and sprituality. Your poems connect me to Him.

Pirate– The most creative person i’ve met here. He writes about everything. Thank you for making me try out new things.

Snehal– Your poems about various social and other issues touch me. There’s truth, confusion,everything in there. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Neeraj– Love poems, what else can i say! My favorite topic and the way he writes about it.

Tapish– Everyday life and the way he writes about it. Things that touch me everyday and his take on them. He has inspired me in many ways.

Thank you guys for being a part of my life. You all are the positives in my life this year with many more bloggers whom i read here everyday. Thank you wordpress for introducing me to these beautiful souls.

Hereby, i wish each and everyone a very happy and prosperous new year. Wish you all the luck in life.

Cheers!

HappyNewYear