The ‘Rachel’

It must be the umpteenth time that I was watching FRIENDS. And it still feels like the first time. You get attached to the characters. You sometimes live one of them for real. And one of the closest thing I can feel is that of Ross and Rachel. It’s a fictional sitcom and still there is this bond that feels so real. There is always an on-off relationship thing that never ends between them. You see them fight, you see them cry and then you see them back together. And even watching it hundreds of times doesn’t let that feeling of goosebumps cease.

It’s funny how you are hung up on a character. There will always be a new person in your life. You are going to be with them. So why is it weird that one person will always be there who never really manages to escape your thoughts? Why is that even after so many years she is still going to be there in your life and mind? Maybe not physically, but she is going to be there. There is always going to be her who you never could be with, even when being together was always meant to be. It’s not like you want to get back together or want her back in your life. But no matter, whom you meet or what you do, it will be never be the way it was with her. There will always be her.

You will move on with your life and you will be happy. You will find new people. You will try to erase the past, but you will always know that the person you were in front of her can never be in front of anyone else. You try to console yourself that she must be happy with her life and you should be too. And maybe you are. But somehow you never seem to lose hope. You hope that someday, somehow she comes back. And when you are alone at night, these memories come rushing back. Some happy and some sad ones. They still make you laugh and they still bring tears in your eyes. You rewind those moments again and again and try to figure out the things you could have done to never let it end.

Life goes on and so you do too. But some sort of invisible string remains. The string that never seems to get weak. And someday, no matter how, when you cross paths with your Rachel, you know that, that string will make you smile. You will forget the pain you went through, for, you know that none of them ever mattered. And then you will know for sure, she was indeed yours. She, was your Rachel. :)

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( A friend of mine wrote this and even though I haven’t seen Friends, I found it so beautiful that I wanted to share it on my blog. This was something that left me speechless. :)  )

About A Broken Friendship

Dear friend,

It’s been a long time since we talked, forget whatsapping , Google chat etc., I mean to say, really talked to each other. I don’t know what came between us. I don’t know if it were you or me who was really responsible for damaging the friendship we once had. Yes, I do blame myself for it all the time, but I am really not sure what made me stay away from you. Was it the fact that you were so much more intelligent, smart, pretty and successful than me, or was it because I just felt left out? You know how we were always together right from childhood, always equals, always closer than anyone in our class. How can we forget the days when we went to school together, to birthday parties, shopping, picnics, always hand in hand? Yes, that sounds so lesbian now, but well we didn’t know that word back then. It was you who would teach me maths, physics over phone and in that tea stall near bus stop, and it was me who would always score more marks than you. And one day when I left our beloved town, you gave me that farewell party at your place, one that I can never forget.  I cried everyday because I was lonely without you, and I cried because you were alone too. I still have all those letters you sent me. And I remember how happy I would be every time I got your letter. School ended and we both joined college, you in Delhi and me in Bangalore, you in one of the best institutes in the country and me, well just somewhere.

I was always happy for you. It was like you were living the dreams I had. I listened to the things you did, the events you attended, the fun you had and I enjoyed it. There was nothing I could tell you though, I had a normal life, hostel to college, college to hostel, there was no fun, but I really didn’t mind, until the day I really saw how different we had become. That was when we met after four long years. I don’t know what happened that day. Maybe I had many expectations from that meeting, maybe I always longed for a friend like you and was really excited to see you, but I didn’t feel it. There was just nothing. That was the moment when I think our friendship took a huge blow. And things changed after that. Our lives took different directions. You got into a relationship and obviously, I hated that guy. I was always so possessive about all those people I loved, you, my brother, my other friends. Trust me; my brother’s marriage troubled me a lot. I have a hard time sharing ‘my people’ with others. I have changed now, I guess losing you and a lot many friends I had, made me less sensitive. I am hardly attached to anyone now. That is a completely different issue I am facing right now; I have turned into a selfish, insensitive bitch.

friends-forever

Well, I miss you. I miss you when I have to bitch about our old classmates. I miss you when I have to cry about my shitty love life, I miss you when I visit home and realise that I don’t have a single friend there. I miss you but I don’t know why, I get so weak in the knees just by the thought of meeting you. I just don’t fit in your lifestyle anymore, or that’s what I think.

I wish I could just go back in time, where we were not screwed up adults but two kids walking down the street laughing about anything and everything, where our friendship was the only thing that mattered to us.

‘Cause everything is different now,

I’d really like to tell you how,

How I wanted you here by my side,

I know what I said but I lied,

It looked like I laughed but I cried,

But I wish I could push rewind.

Your old friend…

Mona

Image from here.

Farewell…2013!!!

As 2014 sets in, I sit here in my room thinking of the year that has gone by. What an eventful year it has been for me!  The first four months were spent in filling application forms, writing entrance exams, and waiting for results. And yes, it was a depressing phase of my life. I was unsure of my future; I was scared of failure, of sitting idle for one more year. Thankfully that didn’t happen as I managed to do well in one of those exams. The next three months I was travelling to different parts of the country attending interviews, counselling, writing some more exams. I went to Delhi almost every week. I went to Bangalore, Chennai, Dehradun, Roorkee, West Bengal. I spent less time at home than at airports, railway and bus stations. It was an exciting phase for me. For the first time in life I was travelling all alone, meeting friends, bloggers, and strangers on the way. I lost old friends but made new ones, and that was really great.

Pratiksha was the first blogger I met in person . Unlike my ‘real’ friends she took some time off from office to come and see me in Chennai while I was there for an exam. Even hot and humid Chennai was fun with her. We went to Marina beach, discussed the good and not so good things happening in our lives. We wrote our names on sand, tried to click pictures together which unfortunately didn’t come out right. The day ended with an awesome dinner. I love you Prat for being such a great friend, to never judge me for the choices I have made in life, and to be there for me.

The second meeting was with Tatsat, the most complicated person I’ve ever known, though he’ll start arguing with me for calling him complicated, but that doesn’t matter anymore I guess. So, I was this little girl who bothered him by writing long emails, for seeking his opinion on every issue in her life and then arguing with him over the suggestions he has given. We met in Delhi, two times this year, roamed in CP both the times, discussed about life, career and mostly about love. He is the only one among my friends who has actually met my boyfriend, and as my guy doesn’t know about my blog, I have to lie to him that Tatsat is my cousin..hehe. Crazy, is the word that describes us both.  I respect you for the choices you have made in life, and for standing firm by those choices. I hope you find the things and people who never disappoint you. I honestly hope so. Btw you were the blogger who commented the most on my blog this year. Thank you for that.

Lastly, how can I ever forget the three days I spent with Yash, in Bangalore. Those frequent emails, the innocent chats, exchanging numbers within 3 days we met (online), those texts and the calls where I cried for reasons I didn’t know. Two hopeless romantics, broken hearts talking about their respective love lives, their loss, their regrets. ..While my friends called me insane for being infatuated with a random guy I met through my blog, I couldn’t stop myself from talking to you. You made me realize how I was living a lie, you made me cry to make me normal, you were the friend I never had. I never intended to  hurt you, and if somehow I have, I am sorry for that. When I met you, I realized how you were as vulnerable as I was, that you’ve lost people you didn’t want to lose, how you have dreams of making it big in life and how you are working so hard for that. I really respect you for that and I hope you succeed in everything you do.

Coming back to my life in 2013,  I joined college in August. This college was nothing like my previous one. That one had big buildings, huge infrastructure, mean people, few friends and more enemies… this one has people with big hearts instead of big buildings, people who respect you for your nature, intelligence, more than your looks or money. My professional life isn’t that great but I am more confident and happy. I am living each day as it comes. I still cry over petty issues but I laugh more.

The last post I wrote was before my exams. I was ill for a long time. December was a really bad month for me in terms of health this year. As I came home, I was diagnosed with typhoid. I had plans to visit my hometown, but couldn’t do so owing to my illness. I have been to hospitals all this month, sometimes for myself and then for my relatives. While people visit pilgrimages, tourist spots during their holidays I spent most of the time in hospitals. Yes, it depresses me sometimes but in some ways or other I am helping people, and that is what I want to do in life, so it’s not that bad. I really hoped not to visit a hospital tomorrow, as it was the first day of the year, but today my mom is tested positive for typhoid, and I am quite sure it’s because of me. So, I’ve another appointment with the doctor tomorrow. We really can’t expect life to be as we plan right, so that’s the reason I never make any New Year resolutions. Life for me, is never normal. And honestly, I am not complaining.

2013 was an year of changes, of learning to letting go, of finding happiness with little things, of taking care of my own people, of arguments and heartbreaks, but everything has its own significance.Often we tend to forget old things, when we find something new. I am one such person who loves living in her memories, remembering people who left, and thanking the ones who stayed.   And if you have made it till here, I want to wish you a very very Happy New Year. I hope to write a lot more this year and I thank you for still being with me in this journey.  :)

The Last Sunset

The Last Sunset

Random Vandom Problem…

A pool of negativity and insecurity has engulfed me, and so I decided to take it out all here…

1. I’ve my first semester exams from Monday, and as always I haven’t touched my books yet. I am freaked out to levels you can’t imagine. In my previous college, everyone was like me, we never studied except the night before the exam unlike this place where I see everyone study everyday, right from the day we joined college. My roommates start studying before I wake up, and they continue to do so till the time I sleep. I have never seen people studying so much. As of now, I don’t even know the syllabus. I don’t even have notes or books to study. Kya is baar bhi mai pichle 22 saalon ki tarah bus ek raat padhkar pass ho paungi, ya phir mujhe lgega koi sadma, dekhenge result aane par!!

2. I am not well since many days. This is one of the reasons I was not able to even try to cover some syllabus beforehand. I have pending assignments but this ill health is proving to be a major hindrance in completing all my work. The fever and cough has made me weak and frustrated. The teachers here are making me insane. They are giving last minute assignments, presentations. I had booked my tickets for 6th December, and they are changing the date of a presentation every single day, sometimes the presentation is on 4th, then 5th, then it is on 6th, some are saying they have changed it to 9th, some are saying 12th.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to go home or not. I am completely pissed off.

3. These days I see myself surrounded by people who are “just so perfect” at so many things. Some people are so good in studies, they are devoted to their books. Some are great dancers, some are good in business, some draw beautifully, some are good at everything. They know what they want from life, almost everyone here has plans, has a strategy to move ahead in life. I envy such people. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I am not interested in studies, my concepts are blurred. I am not talented, I am lazy, I am just so imperfect. I have always been this way. But now I am really feeling the need to know what is it that I am good at. I want to talk passionately about something in life… I want to have a lakshya yaar. Mai aisi kyun hun, mai jaisi hun mai waisi kyun hun?

4. Now this point is somewhat related to the above point. Some people in my life, call them friends, some of whom are really close to me, keep telling me how boring my life really is. Now, I don’t know what being cool really is. I mean I know I have some inferiorty issues but I never found myself boring. I know stuff, I am well aware of the world, issues that matter, news, politics, sports, movies, literature,life, philosophy. I may not be perfect but I am able to have normal conversation regarding many things with many people. I don’t drink, I have never been to a pub, I don’t sleep around with every guy I meet, I haven’t travelled much, I hate Honey Singh, I don’t watch American TV series, I don’t use words like yo or dude or whatever, I prefer Indian clothes to western…Does that make me uncool? Does that mean that I am really a boring person? I don’t know why people make me feel so. One moment I am happy with my life, and then a comment from a cool friend gives a blow to my existence, to my choices in life. Why do people feel happy by making others feel small? I have no clue.

That’s it for now. Enough of my complaints and problems. I’ll be here again after my exams get over. The next 15 days are going to be really hard. :(

About: The Future

I normally don’t follow daily prompts, but this one today caught my attention: Write the About page for your blog in 10 years. And I’ve decided to give it a try. Here we go….

ABOUT ME

I started writing this blog about 11 years ago, when I was a clueless, 21 year old girl. I was going through a hard phase in life, was broken, depressed and lost in the complexities of life. I think of the decade gone by and wonder how boring it would have been if not for the tricky situations I had to face in every sphere of life. The journey of my life as documented in this blog is a journey of a young girl who fell in have with herself over time, who discovered joy in giving rather than receiving, who fought against injustice and biased societal norms, who learned to let go and face new challenges. It hasn’t been all rosy. I’ve lost friends, trust, love, exams, money, dozens of umbrellas, and thousands of pens but slowly and steadily I’ve learnt to live  without them, to accept changes and their outcomes.

The decision to put an end to my chaotic life in big cities and move back to the homeland I left 18 years ago has proved to be blissful. This is where I always wanted to be, a midst mountains, the smell of mud and burnt wood, lush green trees and snow. I live here with my husband (we still fight a lot), our lovely little daughter, two dogs and  a cat. He hates them all except his own progeny.

The people I met over these years through this blog have inspired me in million different ways, some even proved to be great friends at times of need and despair. The journey I started here as Pseudomonaz, proved to be more real than the virtual life I was actually living.  The acceptance I got here, gave me the confidence to live my own true life. The last decade has been the most eventful time of my life and with new hopes, dreams and independence, life has only begun at thirties.

Welcome to my world… :)

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 This is how I imagine my ‘about page’ in the next 10 years. The only thing I would like to change is my poor vocabulary and bad grammar. I hope I am a much better writer than I am today. :)

Where There Is Light…

Diwali has always been my favorite festival, right from the time I was a kid. I remember the days I would emotionally blackmail my uncle, aunts and cousins to get me more and more crackers. Those days in Pithoragarh…. Pithoragarh ki baat hi kuch aur hua karti thi. Poora sehar dikhta tha hamare ghar se, or wo multicolored lights se saje hue ghar, unhe khoobsurat kuch or ho nahi sakta. I just realized while writing this post that its been 10 years since I  last celebrated Diwali  in Pithoragarh. God, that was a decade ago!! I miss my place, specially during festivals like Diwali and Holi. Its not like I don’t enjoy celebrating festivals in other places, its just that, nothing is as beautiful and fun as it was in Pithoragarh.  Sach mai, wo din or wo yaadein, baat hi alag thi. 

After celebrating Diwali in Bangalore for many years, which was sometimes good and sometimes very depressing, I was ready to see what Bengal has in store for me. This was my fourth Diwali without family and by this time I am pretty accustomed to celebrate festivals all alone. And since the day I’ve accepted this idea of celebrating things with myself, without depending on others for happiness, good things are actually happening to me. Unlike the times in Bangalore, where I used to cry all the time thinking about my loneliness, specially during festivals, I did manage well here. I guess that’s the way life is, it surprises us the day we stop expecting anything from it. I am trying to apply that principle to the other parts of my life as well. If I succeed in doing that, I am gonna be a really happy girl.

Right from the morning when I earned the first salary of my life ( from part time tuition), to the lazy afternoon, the dressing up and photo sessions in the evening, to bursting crackers and having home made food for dinner, it was a great Diwali. There are some dark, depressing situations in my life, but there are moments like these, the ones filled with hope and light, they brighten up everything. This Diwali was truly the festival of lights for me… overshadowing the worries and complexities of life.

How was your Diwali? Did you celebrate it with your family, went for a long vacation, or did something different? Let me know…

Life, Memories, Realizations…

Well, I guess I am back… Its been such a long time. I wrote the same thing last time too, but this time, trust me, I am gonna write regularly.To start afresh I’ve to clear out my mind of the things that have happened in my life in the past three months. If you are not a fan of personal posts, you can quit reading here. Its gonna be long and boring…

Here we go….. FLASHBACK!!!

1. College ( Socha tha kya, kya ho gya) : The very day I stepped into my college, I knew it for sure that the first structure to collapse if an earthquake hits Bengal would be my college building. The Biotechnology department brought back memories of those dark, holy caves in my hometown. There were more spiders than microscopes in labs. The autoclave (an equipment used for sterilization) is kept on the terrace, as there is no space to keep it inside. Every time it rains, we have to abandon the experiment ( yes, it does feel like India Australia cricket series sometimes). Such is the condition of one of the so called best engineering institutes in our country. Initially, everything was depressing, nowadays I’ve replaced that tragical feeling with comedy, I laugh at it, and enjoy. This is our condition after securing all India ranks within 400. Life’s good. :-P

2. Hostel ( Chan se jo toote koi sapna) : Surviving the attack after seeing the college, I stepped ahead to see my new hostel. Thankfully, it was a new building. I hove a sigh of relief. I had always wished to get a single room during post graduation, as was the case in many colleges. Well, all my dreams were broken when I had to share one room with 3 other roommates, and all of them Bengali, haling from the same place, class and having the same mentality. Unlike them I didn’t get any cupboard, table, study lamp, as I was the last one to join hostel, I had to adjust. That’s what I am doing from 3 month: Adjust. :-)

3. Love ( Kabhi haan, kabhi naa) : I broke up, I patched up, I broke up again, I patched up again, and the cycle continues. The condition is so complicated that my friends ask my relationship status everyday, yes, every single day, as one day I am single, another I am not.( Of course with the same guy) Saala pyaar na hua, Jharkhand ki sarkaar ho gyi, tikta hi nahi.

4. Life…etc (Zindagi kaisi hai paheli haaye, kabhi to hansaye kabhi ye rulaye ) : The day I reached here, I saw girls, and even boys around me with their parents.  I came here alone, travelling for 40 hours by train, with my huge luggage bag. Even now, girls in my hostel identify me as the girl who came without her parents, carrying a bag almost her size.All my life I thought I was the only girl who was bounded by family, traditions, hypocritical rules, and now I see a different world. I am free, independent, and strong, girls around me are not. They don’t even want to be. Yes, there are things I still can’t imagine to tell my parents, things I don’t dare to do but I am taking one step at a time.  I go out, I meet strangers, I travel by myself, I scream, I break rules, I rebel, I lie. And they are changing too. Initially they would never let me travel alone. Now I scream aloud that I’ve grown up, and ask them to let me be. I ask them to give me a chance, to show them that I can do something, as and when I prove myself right, I am free to experiment again. I’ve come to a conclusion that if you are an Indian daughter from a conservative family, you have to lie to live your own life. Otherwise you are just passing your time, you are not living, you are breathing. Oppress unhi ko kiya jata hai jo oppress hona chahta hai. I know its wrong to cheat your parents, but trust me you can’t argue with them, you’ll always be proved wrong. I am not asking people to turn into criminals, to be alcoholics, or spoil their lives, just do what you feel is right, what is the right thing to do. A friend of mine gave birth to her daughter recently, got married last year, against her wishes. She’s just 22. Other people are getting married, engaged, sometimes forcibly, sometimes because they were programmed to follow the set of rules laid down for good Indian daughters. What the hell! They are my age. I can’t imagine myself being a mother. I feel pity to see smart, highly educated girls being emotionally forced into marriages. Am I being irrational here? Do people actually want to get married at 21-22?

Anyways I’ve gone beyond the topic. Coming back to my life, I don’t know if I am happy, I am screwed professionally, but I am trying to figure it out. I am confused as always, I miss home and my mom, that one year I spent there and did nothing, even that makes me cry sometimes.  I laugh with people, I crack jokes, to them I am the happiest person they have ever seen. My roommate once told me that she wants to be like me. haha… and I still don’t know what I want to be. I am living it, smiling, procrastinating, crying once the lights are switched off, trying to find out a purpose. I guess, I am okay.

I’ll be 23 in the next 3 months, and as I look back to my life, I realize that I have come a long way since the days when I was a little girl running in the lanes of my small town, to capture the cut kites drifting in the sky. I feel, I’ve grown up. :-)

Aur jabse maine badiyan or aachar bnaya hai tabse to meri maa ko bhi yakeen ho gya hai ki mai badi zimmedaar ho gayi hun. Sachi…. :-P