A pool of negativity and insecurity has engulfed me, and so I decided to take it out all here…
1. I’ve my first semester exams from Monday, and as always I haven’t touched my books yet. I am freaked out to levels you can’t imagine. In my previous college, everyone was like me, we never studied except the night before the exam unlike this place where I see everyone study everyday, right from the day we joined college. My roommates start studying before I wake up, and they continue to do so till the time I sleep. I have never seen people studying so much. As of now, I don’t even know the syllabus. I don’t even have notes or books to study. Kya is baar bhi mai pichle 22 saalon ki tarah bus ek raat padhkar pass ho paungi, ya phir mujhe lgega koi sadma, dekhenge result aane par!!
2. I am not well since many days. This is one of the reasons I was not able to even try to cover some syllabus beforehand. I have pending assignments but this ill health is proving to be a major hindrance in completing all my work. The fever and cough has made me weak and frustrated. The teachers here are making me insane. They are giving last minute assignments, presentations. I had booked my tickets for 6th December, and they are changing the date of a presentation every single day, sometimes the presentation is on 4th, then 5th, then it is on 6th, some are saying they have changed it to 9th, some are saying 12th. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go home or not. I am completely pissed off.
3. These days I see myself surrounded by people who are “just so perfect” at so many things. Some people are so good in studies, they are devoted to their books. Some are great dancers, some are good in business, some draw beautifully, some are good at everything. They know what they want from life, almost everyone here has plans, has a strategy to move ahead in life. I envy such people. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I am not interested in studies, my concepts are blurred. I am not talented, I am lazy, I am just so imperfect. I have always been this way. But now I am really feeling the need to know what is it that I am good at. I want to talk passionately about something in life… I want to have a lakshya yaar. Mai aisi kyun hun, mai jaisi hun mai waisi kyun hun?
4. Now this point is somewhat related to the above point. Some people in my life, call them friends, some of whom are really close to me, keep telling me how boring my life really is. Now, I don’t know what being cool really is. I mean I know I have some inferiorty issues but I never found myself boring. I know stuff, I am well aware of the world, issues that matter, news, politics, sports, movies, literature,life, philosophy. I may not be perfect but I am able to have normal conversation regarding many things with many people. I don’t drink, I have never been to a pub, I don’t sleep around with every guy I meet, I haven’t travelled much, I hate Honey Singh, I don’t watch American TV series, I don’t use words like yo or dude or whatever, I prefer Indian clothes to western…Does that make me uncool? Does that mean that I am really a boring person? I don’t know why people make me feel so. One moment I am happy with my life, and then a comment from a cool friend gives a blow to my existence, to my choices in life. Why do people feel happy by making others feel small? I have no clue.
That’s it for now. Enough of my complaints and problems. I’ll be here again after my exams get over. The next 15 days are going to be really hard.