When I recently gave the link of my blog to a friend of mine he was concerned to see so many sad posts in here. He wanted to know why I always write about depressing and melancholic instances of my life and not about the things that make me happy. After days and days of introspection I have realized that I am unable to write anything when I am happy. Writing is something that comes to me only when the sad realities of life weigh me down. I write when there is no other way to relieve my pain and today is one such day when I need to blog again.
Today is the day when the evil called Cancer has struck my family. My mom called in the evening to tell me that my aunt (my father’s sister) is in the final stages of cancer. For a while I was unable to process that information. I didn’t know how to react. Cancer was something about which I had only studied in books, read in novels or watched in movies. I never thought that it could happen to someone I knew. How ignorant we humans are! No problem bothers us till our close ones face it. What surprised me more were the tears in my eyes…unknowingly…just like that I was crying for a person I never really liked.
The moment when my mom told me that aunt doesn’t have much time to live… it was a brief moment, mere seconds passed by but a lifetime of memories flashed in my mind. My aunt ill treated my mom in the initial years of her married life. She was rude to my mom and her family members and never missed a chance to insult them. You know she was like those sister-in-laws they show in typical Indian serials. I grew up hearing all these stories and my hatred for her inflated each moment… but her pain is bothering me today. And I am more disturbed by the fact that I can feel bad for her. I don’t know…it’s so strange. I never expected this from myself. I am unable to sleep…I see her face every time I try to close my eyes.
What is it about death that bothers us so much? Why are we so scared to face that ultimate truth? Why is it that I am grieving for someone I never actually cared about?
I am disturbed. I don’t know how to explain what I am feeling right now. There is chaos… a storm in my mind and I am unable to figure out what is bothering me more: the grief or the fact that I am grieving for someone I hated all my life.