Its been a long time….

since I wrote anything. 2022 being the only year in the last decade when I didn’t write a single post. Also ..its been a decade of this blog. I started writing in 2012… I am now 31 years old.. soon to be 32.. and still struggling with the things I was struggling with 10 years ago. ( Happy 10th birthday blog)

So here’s a recap of all that has happened to me in the past three years…

After Akash died in September 2019, I went into a downward spiral. Nothing seemed normal. I was in a deep pit and I didn’t know what to do. I quit my job because that place became hell after him. I didn’t want to be reminded of my pain everyday. Also, I had different plans for my career and wanted to quit for long. His death gave me the final push.

Started 2020 with the hopes of starting a new life but then covid hit and everything came to a standstill. We were all confined within our homes and there wasn’t much to do. My entire focus shifted to saving my parents from the disease.

December arrived and my mother got her first attack. Her heart failed and overnight she was in an ICU fighting for her life. Thankfully I took her to the hospital in time and she survived. Further months passed and in April she fell down and hit her head…again a trip to the hospital amidst the delta wave.. I was so scared of her catching covid because we were exposed to it everytime we went to the hospital. In the month of May, Mom’s heart failed again. Over night she was in the ICU and I was in the hospital hoping that she makes it one more time. I was tired of thinking that I would lose her. Thankfully she survived again. ( My mom is a fighter) but we got to know that her valves have given up and unless we get her valves replaced she will keep getting these attacks and won’t survive them. The month of May 2021 was like living a nightmare every day for 31 days. So many of our relatives died in covid and we were constantly in hospitals desperately trying to save ourselves from catching it. Saving my mom became the sole aim of my life. I hardly slept, and worried constantly. I was super anxious, depressed and was also carrying the grief from the past year.

We then shifted to Delhi for next few months. We took my mother to the best hospital in the country and got a date for her surgery. She underwent a major cardiac surgery in October 2021. We stayed in a hospital for almost a month.. that was the time I became the mother and she became my child. I fed her, bathed her, changed her diapers, basically everything. She was in pain, her chest cut up, tubes coming out from so many places in her body. Sometimes I wished I could just let her go. But I couldn’t. I can’t. I was her primary care giver and did everything I could. Honestly, I wasn’t sure that she would survive. But she did. ( Did I tell you my mother is a fighter).

Meanwhile, I was a mess. Nothing good was happening in my life and I was constantly anxious. Every sunset brought with it worries that something wrong is going to happen. I had filled up forms for competitive exams but I didn’t give any of them.. even when I knew it was my last chance. I would constantly cry in secret and try to put up a brave front so that my mother gets well soon. I was irritated..angry and unable to vent put my frustrations because the situations were just not right.

Thankfully my mother, even in that pain, saw my suffering. She forced my brother to take me to a psychiatrist…..

To be continued…