Random Vandom Problem…

/ Mona

A pool of negativity and insecurity has engulfed me, and so I decided to take it out all here…

1. I’ve my first semester exams from Monday, and as always I haven’t touched my books yet. I am freaked out to levels you can’t imagine. In my previous college, everyone was like me, we never studied except the night before the exam unlike this place where I see everyone study everyday, right from the day we joined college. My roommates start studying before I wake up, and they continue to do so till the time I sleep. I have never seen people studying so much. As of now, I don’t even know the syllabus. I don’t even have notes or books to study. Kya is baar bhi mai pichle 22 saalon ki tarah bus ek raat padhkar pass ho paungi, ya phir mujhe lgega koi sadma, dekhenge result aane par!!

2. I am not well since many days. This is one of the reasons I was not able to even try to cover some syllabus beforehand. I have pending assignments but this ill health is proving to be a major hindrance in completing all my work. The fever and cough has made me weak and frustrated. The teachers here are making me insane. They are giving last minute assignments, presentations. I had booked my tickets for 6th December, and they are changing the date of a presentation every single day, sometimes the presentation is on 4th, then 5th, then it is on 6th, some are saying they have changed it to 9th, some are saying 12th.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to go home or not. I am completely pissed off.

3. These days I see myself surrounded by people who are “just so perfect” at so many things. Some people are so good in studies, they are devoted to their books. Some are great dancers, some are good in business, some draw beautifully, some are good at everything. They know what they want from life, almost everyone here has plans, has a strategy to move ahead in life. I envy such people. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I am not interested in studies, my concepts are blurred. I am not talented, I am lazy, I am just so imperfect. I have always been this way. But now I am really feeling the need to know what is it that I am good at. I want to talk passionately about something in life… I want to have a lakshya yaar. Mai aisi kyun hun, mai jaisi hun mai waisi kyun hun?

4. Now this point is somewhat related to the above point. Some people in my life, call them friends, some of whom are really close to me, keep telling me how boring my life really is. Now, I don’t know what being cool really is. I mean I know I have some inferiorty issues but I never found myself boring. I know stuff, I am well aware of the world, issues that matter, news, politics, sports, movies, literature,life, philosophy. I may not be perfect but I am able to have normal conversation regarding many things with many people. I don’t drink, I have never been to a pub, I don’t sleep around with every guy I meet, I haven’t travelled much, I hate Honey Singh, I don’t watch American TV series, I don’t use words like yo or dude or whatever, I prefer Indian clothes to western…Does that make me uncool? Does that mean that I am really a boring person? I don’t know why people make me feel so. One moment I am happy with my life, and then a comment from a cool friend gives a blow to my existence, to my choices in life. Why do people feel happy by making others feel small? I have no clue.

That’s it for now. Enough of my complaints and problems. I’ll be here again after my exams get over. The next 15 days are going to be really hard. 😦

14 thoughts on “Random Vandom Problem…”

  1. Ouch. I feel you , especially with the assignments and sickness colliding to make you feel like absolute shit.
    Breathe in , breathe out 😉 College mein ek raat pehle padna chahiye ! ( Not literally , but almost )

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  2. 🙂 Smile please..We all have gone through that phase and it comes especially before exams!!.. Life will then fall into places..On inferiority complex..Well do not compare yourself with others..Give yourself time and set little goals for you where you can do whatever you are currently doing better at your own pace. Say for instance you read 30 pgs a day, read 40..Celebrate yourself !!Happy reading..

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  3. Hey dont worry… always remember- NO ONE CAN INSULT YOU WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT!!!

    I dont think that whatever you mentioned in point 4 which you follow are uncool.. I think that’s a good thing.. you need not to be like everyone else… Everyone is unique… and You are Unique in your own way.. you need not to prove anything to any one- to be precise- to any tom dick and harry :X Be the way you are n you are cool… Jaisi ho waisi raho… 🙂 🙂 I love you for that 🙂 ❤

    n Xamz… dont worry.. sab theek ho jayega.. take medicines.. n dont feel inferior seeing others studying all the time. You know what, My roomy during my post grad days, who was doing M.Tech-VLSI, used to study 2 days before exams n will score more than any one else… so don't worry.. everyone has their own caliber.. you can do well too… All the best…

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  4. I really wish I could tell you how no one is perfect. I really wish you could understand how the ‘number’ of friends never matter rather a handful of those for eternity make our lives worth living. And exams, marks, grades when did they start mattering to you? 😉
    Imperfection is a bliss. Don’t you think life would have been a lot more boring had we been perfect? We would have nothing left to explore or feel. The good dancers, good singers became so because they followed their passion. Find your passion! And thou shalt never complain again. 🙂
    Get well soon. Your coughing sound is too much to take on long calls. 😉

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  5. Doosron ke kehne se kya hota hai… As long as you don’t feel yourself to be boring, how do others’ thoughts matter? Not drinking or not wearing western does not make you uncool… Loosing your identity does… So just be yourself…

    And exams ka kya hai… wo to aate jaate rehte hain… And really it does not matter if you study everyday or the day before exams… Ultimately to pahai ho hi jaati hai…

    Regarding the passion, Yash has already put it very beautifully…

    So chill and get well soon 🙂

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  6. The more u think about this, the more you start feeling u are uncool.. Hello, have they come across your blog? Can they write amazing from-the-heart stuff like you… You inspired me to write and get it all out.. Just forget about them, relax and study well.. 🙂

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  7. Who said you are not cool? To me you are one of the coolest persons I’ve come across. 🙂 Only you can write a Random Vandom post and still make it such an interesting read. 🙂

    Don’t worry.. you’ll do well in your exams. Wishing you all the very best. 🙂

    P.S. – I totally loved that lakshya bit. Mai aisi kyun hun, mai jaisi hun mai waisi kyun hun? Ha… Ha…

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  8. The first point, I guess most people out here in WordPress are just the same. My classmates are the same, except for 2 or 3. Who studies every single day andsubmits assignments before the last date? The third point made me laugh. You write fantastically well yaar! And what’s the best thing with writers, They, just like speakers, can inspire others than everyone else. It’s sexy in its own way. And u say u’re not cool? That depends on perspective. Maybe you think drinking and adopting western culture is cool. But not everyone think so. You see, maybe we can assume travelling on our own scooty is cool. But if you change your perspective, so is travelling on a bus or even walking.
    Just be you, the person you were born to be. Be yourself and inspire the world!
    And wish you good health too.
    Take care!

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  9. “Kya is baar bhi mai pichle 22 saalon ki tarah bus ek raat padhkar pass ho paungi, ya phir mujhe lgega koi sadma, dekhenge result aane par!!” – Hahaha 😀 😀 😀 😀

    Incidentally, I have mid-semester exams from tomorrow on. “Kya kal ho rahe Reluctant Fundamentalist ke paper ke sawaal honge mujhpe haavi? Ya fir main, bina kuch padhe hi, laga doonga paper me aag! Jaanne ke liye bane rahein hamare saath – Starfish Arena par” 😛

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