Astray

When I started blogging, I used to write almost anything that happened in my life here and probably that is the reason why blogging felt like therapy. I could let out my emotions, my anxiety, my insecurities without the fear of being judged by people. Now, I don’t write down my thoughts as clearly  as I want to because:

A. Too many people know about this blog, friends as well as strangers who became friends. And to write about my constant failures in a world which is obsessed with showing off their best life in social media seems foolish sometimes. I mean people like reading about success stories, the rags to riches gossips, those anecdotes from the life of people who made fortunes overnight but my life is an example of how you fu*k up everything, how you never find success and keep on waiting for “enlightenment”. And I don’t think even my actual friends understand the kind of life I am living right now. It is tough even to breathe sometimes and no one wants to hear that.

B. Blogging has been corrupted by the Instagram and Facebook population, diseased by the fad of instant likes and reactions. I mean who are these people who leave 10 likes/second on my blog. Do you read with the speed of light?

C. And again, what is with these misogynistic and Islamophobic posts I see in my reader these days. A few months ago I happened to check one of my follower’s blog and my blood boiled in anger when I read an  entire post about how women are responsible for getting their a** fuc**d (in his language) and how he would use a women for sex if she wears short clothes but would only marry a “cultured” girl. That unapologetic, entitled, sexist, egoistic, male made me vomit. If anyone reading this has the same kind of thoughts, feel free to unfollow me and run in the opposite direction. People who believe all Muslims are terrorists could do the same thing. I am instantly going to block those people who spew filth in the name of religion. I spent most of my childhood in a Muslim family, the first girl-friend I made was a Muslim and if you are going to write shit about people and call them names just because they follow a certain religion then you are a disgrace in my eyes. I don’t think the blogging world deserves this. Well, I don’t think our actual world deserves this. The word needs kindness and tolerance not divisive politics.

Anyway, I am sorry if I am subjecting you to this negativity. I just feel like I should write about these things because this is what makes me feel better and this is what I am.  I am lost and life is just not fair to me and my guy and the only thing that gives me a little relief is this blog. I don’t even care about privacy anymore because the government, facebook, google is anyway spying on all of us, they might as well read this and understand that there is no point snooping on already fuc**d up individuals. Haha…

Missing Convocation…yet again!!!

Three years ago when I wrote this post, I guess I somehow irked the almighty , because He/She didn’t let me attend yet another of my convocation. So, now I am this 24 year old girl who has two degrees but not even one experience of throwing that graduation cap up in the air. Ok, I am making it sound like some kinda achievement but for me, it actually is an achievement. I got two degrees in a career I never really liked in the first place and after all that torture I didn’t get to attend even one of my graduation day. How unfair is it!!!! That bloody college people changed the convocation date from 12^th to 20^th December, that is on the day of an exam which all my classmates were going to write. So, our entire class was indirectly restricted from attending the convocation. I just feel so bad you know. I was so excited about going back to college, meeting everyone and relive old college days but that didn’t happen and I ended up seeing pictures of people dressed in convocation robes exactly like the last time. Now every person on facebook has a convocation DP… except me. Hell, facebook is filled with wedding pictures, and I don’t even have that (OK, I don’t want that, but still they have something to post) then there are job updates, country updates, check ins, dinner pictures, daru pictures, all kind of shit and I have nothing. When is God gonna bless me with something to show off. Yaar, I don’t want that, I just wanted to go back to college, and attend my convocation, but I guess it is just not in my kismat. I am actually not into facebook that much, I had deactivated it for years, and only joined it a year ago. It’s just a place which makes me feel like I am way behind people, like everyone is moving ahead, changing careers, getting married and here I am, still trying to figure out what I want from life. I have engaged myself in this long unpredictable journey of a long lost dream while people are running from one goal to another. But I guess this is who I am, and this is the life I have chosen for myself. Nothing and no one else matters.

Well, you know what I am going to do, I am going to invite all my friends to Delhi, rent those convocation robes and throw a super awesome graduation party for us (Of course with their money), and make it better than a real convocation. Yes, that’s what I am going to do. And I am going to be happy.

P.S. I just realized that it’s actually a very childish post, but I am gonna publish it anyway. Who cares…

Gupshup-1

I felt stupid after writing my last post. I realized how I am always cribbing about all the things that aren’t right in my life, while completely ignoring all the things that are in fact good. So this is an attempt to write something normal and save you from the depression.

1. I love music. I mean I have a song in my mind for every situation I encounter. “We The Kings”, though not so popular is my favorite band. I can listen to their songs forever and never get tired. I am in love with 90’s Hindi pop songs. Lucky Ali takes me into a different world altogether. He was one of the best things that happened to Hindi pop music. Euphoria, Strings, Jal, Indian Ocean, these are the bands that make me feel like I am dreaming and living in that old 90’s world again. Ah, the nostalgia. And then there are old Hindi songs and their lyrics…

“Pal pal dil ke pass tum rehti ho, jeevan meethi pyaas ye kehti ho,

Har sham aankhon par, tera aanchal lehraye,

Har raat yaadon ki baarat le aaye…

Mai saans leta hun, teri khusboo aati hai, ek mehka mehka sa paigaam lati hai,

Mere dil ki dhadkan bhi tere geet gati hai…”

 Kishore Kumar and his melodious voice, a healthy way to beat depression. Always.

2. Though I have no clue about my own future, I am known among my friends as a great counselor. Some of them consult me for every step they are going to take in their life, be it career, love life or family. Many people have complimented me for my great listening skills, and for the fact that I understand them. Though, I have to admit that I have a pretty bad memory and most of the times I forget people, their names, their problems and even the advice I gave them.

3. I hate it when somebody calls me “dear”. And I cringe with disgust when girls, in particular write “Love you, muah muah” in social media to each other. What’s with so much loooove!!!

4. I can’t pout. I see my friends and even their dads posting such pretty duck face selfies on Facebook. I have taken countless selfies to get it right, but most of the times it looks like either the duck is dead, or is mentally retarded.

5. Talking about pictures, I am very photogenic. Sometimes I look at my pictures and think, “Whoa, this is definitely not me! I don’t look like that in reality.” My pictures are highly deceptive. And yes, I am illiterate in the makeup department. The only cosmetic I know how to use is Kajal.

6. I have always wanted a pet goat. I think goats are adorable. May be it has something to do with me being pahadi, but I grew up demanding my mom to get me a little baby goat. When I was a kid I used to bring stray dogs from roads to our house and my mama and mausi had to keep them at their place just to make me happy. I had a dog named “Bush”. I named him Bush because someone told me that George W. Bush has named his dog “India”. I have no idea how much of that story is true. I even had two pet mice in my childhood named Chintu and Mintu. Someday I am going to have this big farmland in my village full of goats, chickens, dogs, cats, rabbits and other adorable animals. And yes, my friends have suggested me to build my career as an animal care giver, because I have saved many girls from the “dangerous” cats and dogs of our campus.

Oh, this is turning into a huge post. I haven’t written 600 words with this speed ever. I should probably stop here. I am thinking to start a new memories section in my blog to write about my childhood and college life. Let me know if you think that’s a good idea.

GAYAB!!!

This is what i am these days….i’ve disappeared for a lot of people out there…i dont know why i am doing this but it kind of feels good… 🙂

I’ve deleted my facebook profile…hehe…Yup…a facebook addict like me has done this…adding to that i am also not receiving any phone calls, i mean except my family members and 2 of my friends i’ve decided not to be in contact with anyone. Facebook depresses me. Right now my life sucks. And when i see people’s awesome pics and status updates i just cant help myself.  Yaar i dont know why people want to publicize everything in their lives.

- Placed @ so & so... :-)
- go goa!!!
- got my first salary
- can access all the journals without restriction from my university!! :-)

You know a guy even posted the picture of the 1st 500 rupee note he has earned. He’s sick, I mean who does that yaar. People leave no stone unturned to make  someone like me feel bad. Besides that i used to waste a heck amount of time there.  So i took this extreme step of deleting my facebook account.

I know i am just running away from reality. But this seems right at this moment.

There is no progress in my studies. I am still stuck where i was. All i do is day dream. Yes, i know i’ve to study and i want to do that too but i give up everyday. I try a lot but in the end i am lost in my own world. I dont know why i think so much. Starting from December i’ve exam every month till July. I am giving every single entrance exam in India to do post graduation.  But filling application form is not enough right, i’ve to fill the answer sheets too. But how’ll i do that if i keep wasting my time like this. I dont know what would be my future like.

You know i always used to think that i am extraordinary. Someday i’ll surely do something out of this world but i am too lazy to be that. Everytime i pray to God not to miraculously make my life better but to give me strength and some akal,
par wo sunta kahan hai meri??? 

For the moment i am enjoying being gayab!! Soon i am going to change my number too…haha… 🙂