Missing Convocation…yet again!!!

Three years ago when I wrote this post, I guess I somehow irked the almighty , because He/She didn’t let me attend yet another of my convocation. So, now I am this 24 year old girl who has two degrees but not even one experience of throwing that graduation cap up in the air. Ok, I am making it sound like some kinda achievement but for me, it actually is an achievement. I got two degrees in a career I never really liked in the first place and after all that torture I didn’t get to attend even one of my graduation day. How unfair is it!!!! That bloody college people changed the convocation date from 12^th to 20^th December, that is on the day of an exam which all my classmates were going to write. So, our entire class was indirectly restricted from attending the convocation. I just feel so bad you know. I was so excited about going back to college, meeting everyone and relive old college days but that didn’t happen and I ended up seeing pictures of people dressed in convocation robes exactly like the last time. Now every person on facebook has a convocation DP… except me. Hell, facebook is filled with wedding pictures, and I don’t even have that (OK, I don’t want that, but still they have something to post) then there are job updates, country updates, check ins, dinner pictures, daru pictures, all kind of shit and I have nothing. When is God gonna bless me with something to show off. Yaar, I don’t want that, I just wanted to go back to college, and attend my convocation, but I guess it is just not in my kismat. I am actually not into facebook that much, I had deactivated it for years, and only joined it a year ago. It’s just a place which makes me feel like I am way behind people, like everyone is moving ahead, changing careers, getting married and here I am, still trying to figure out what I want from life. I have engaged myself in this long unpredictable journey of a long lost dream while people are running from one goal to another. But I guess this is who I am, and this is the life I have chosen for myself. Nothing and no one else matters.

Well, you know what I am going to do, I am going to invite all my friends to Delhi, rent those convocation robes and throw a super awesome graduation party for us (Of course with their money), and make it better than a real convocation. Yes, that’s what I am going to do. And I am going to be happy.

P.S. I just realized that it’s actually a very childish post, but I am gonna publish it anyway. Who cares…

Lost In Life

I have never really written regularly here ever since I joined college and its already been an year and a half. Can you believe that! Just six months left for me to leave college, be a post graduate and see the real world. I mean how the hell did it happen? Time passed in the blink of an eye…. I still remember the time I started blogging, clueless about what to do with my life, sitting at home, crying my eyes out, taking out all my frustration over here… I was 22, stupid, scared, overly emotional, a complete fool. Well, I may be stupid even now but I am a different person, may be I have grown up. I am about to be 24 in two months, many of my friends are getting married, some are pregnant and although these updates about their lives  do unnerve me, I am okay with it. I still don’t know what to do with my life, I am yet to find my passion, I suck at everything I have to do in the lab to get my degree, I keep googling the term ” how to quit college” all the time but I am okay, you know a different kind of okay. Yesterday when my dad called me ( which is a very rare thing), I literally choked up while talking to him about my life. I mean crying while talking to my dad!!! I could never have imagined that. I realized that how much ever I want to hate him, I don’t really do. That was a good realization on a bad day. And there are things like these that keep me going.

Did I tell you all that I have got some awesome friends here in college. They are like friends I used to see in movies… friends who know all about your crazy stories, about your hook ups, crushes, dirty intentions etc. I never really had a “college life” during my graduation days. Yes, I had awesome friends then too but we were all a group of innocent people, the slumdogs, the inferiors, we didn’t like the way we were. And that “me” changed when I came over to this place. From being a scared little introvert, I slowly discovered myself and started enjoying life rather than just passing it. You know I even got into a roller coaster ( OK…don’t laugh, it was a BIG thing for me). There were things that I wanted to do but never really did because, I don’t know..I was weird. I completely wasted my graduation days. I don’t know why I was so depressed all the time. I am a much happier person now. Well I am sad too, but that gloom of sadness never interferes with my happy world. To be precise, life never gets boring over here..there is always something to do, whether for fun or for majboori.

All in all, I am on a roller coaster ride my friends…up and down..up and down… and that’s how life is supposed to be, I guess. How are you going doing? Do let me know.

source: http://wallpapers87.com/

Life, Memories, Realizations…

Well, I guess I am back… Its been such a long time. I wrote the same thing last time too, but this time, trust me, I am gonna write regularly.To start afresh I’ve to clear out my mind of the things that have happened in my life in the past three months. If you are not a fan of personal posts, you can quit reading here. Its gonna be long and boring…

Here we go….. FLASHBACK!!!

1. College ( Socha tha kya, kya ho gya) : The very day I stepped into my college, I knew it for sure that the first structure to collapse if an earthquake hits Bengal would be my college building. The Biotechnology department brought back memories of those dark, holy caves in my hometown. There were more spiders than microscopes in labs. The autoclave (an equipment used for sterilization) is kept on the terrace, as there is no space to keep it inside. Every time it rains, we have to abandon the experiment ( yes, it does feel like India Australia cricket series sometimes). Such is the condition of one of the so called best engineering institutes in our country. Initially, everything was depressing, nowadays I’ve replaced that tragical feeling with comedy, I laugh at it, and enjoy. This is our condition after securing all India ranks within 400. Life’s good. 😛

2. Hostel ( Chan se jo toote koi sapna) : Surviving the attack after seeing the college, I stepped ahead to see my new hostel. Thankfully, it was a new building. I hove a sigh of relief. I had always wished to get a single room during post graduation, as was the case in many colleges. Well, all my dreams were broken when I had to share one room with 3 other roommates, and all of them Bengali, haling from the same place, class and having the same mentality. Unlike them I didn’t get any cupboard, table, study lamp, as I was the last one to join hostel, I had to adjust. That’s what I am doing from 3 month: Adjust. 🙂

3. Love ( Kabhi haan, kabhi naa) : I broke up, I patched up, I broke up again, I patched up again, and the cycle continues. The condition is so complicated that my friends ask my relationship status everyday, yes, every single day, as one day I am single, another I am not.( Of course with the same guy) Saala pyaar na hua, Jharkhand ki sarkaar ho gyi, tikta hi nahi.

4. Life…etc (Zindagi kaisi hai paheli haaye, kabhi to hansaye kabhi ye rulaye ) : The day I reached here, I saw girls, and even boys around me with their parents.  I came here alone, travelling for 40 hours by train, with my huge luggage bag. Even now, girls in my hostel identify me as the girl who came without her parents, carrying a bag almost her size.All my life I thought I was the only girl who was bounded by family, traditions, hypocritical rules, and now I see a different world. I am free, independent, and strong, girls around me are not. They don’t even want to be. Yes, there are things I still can’t imagine to tell my parents, things I don’t dare to do but I am taking one step at a time.  I go out, I meet strangers, I travel by myself, I scream, I break rules, I rebel, I lie. And they are changing too. Initially they would never let me travel alone. Now I scream aloud that I’ve grown up, and ask them to let me be. I ask them to give me a chance, to show them that I can do something, as and when I prove myself right, I am free to experiment again. I’ve come to a conclusion that if you are an Indian daughter from a conservative family, you have to lie to live your own life. Otherwise you are just passing your time, you are not living, you are breathing. Oppress unhi ko kiya jata hai jo oppress hona chahta hai. I know its wrong to cheat your parents, but trust me you can’t argue with them, you’ll always be proved wrong. I am not asking people to turn into criminals, to be alcoholics, or spoil their lives, just do what you feel is right, what is the right thing to do. A friend of mine gave birth to her daughter recently, got married last year, against her wishes. She’s just 22. Other people are getting married, engaged, sometimes forcibly, sometimes because they were programmed to follow the set of rules laid down for good Indian daughters. What the hell! They are my age. I can’t imagine myself being a mother. I feel pity to see smart, highly educated girls being emotionally forced into marriages. Am I being irrational here? Do people actually want to get married at 21-22?

Anyways I’ve gone beyond the topic. Coming back to my life, I don’t know if I am happy, I am screwed professionally, but I am trying to figure it out. I am confused as always, I miss home and my mom, that one year I spent there and did nothing, even that makes me cry sometimes.  I laugh with people, I crack jokes, to them I am the happiest person they have ever seen. My roommate once told me that she wants to be like me. haha… and I still don’t know what I want to be. I am living it, smiling, procrastinating, crying once the lights are switched off, trying to find out a purpose. I guess, I am okay.

I’ll be 23 in the next 3 months, and as I look back to my life, I realize that I have come a long way since the days when I was a little girl running in the lanes of my small town, to capture the cut kites drifting in the sky. I feel, I’ve grown up. 🙂

Aur jabse maine badiyan or aachar bnaya hai tabse to meri maa ko bhi yakeen ho gya hai ki mai badi zimmedaar ho gayi hun. Sachi…. 😛

Off To A New Start

I started this blog almost a year ago, and from that day I constantly babbled about being stuck at home, being jobless and idle all the time. I wrote depressing posts, I cried, freaked out, abused God, my luck or my family. I prayed for nothing but to get out of this place and get into a new college. Today that day has arrived. I am off to a new college. After spending the last two months appearing for interviews, exams, counselling all over India, I’ve finally been selected to a college in Bengal. The last two months have been hectic for me. I was constantly travelling, through trains, flights, buses and what not.

I am not writing much these days, but after torturing all you guys with my depressing posts all through the year, I thought you all deserve to know that I’ve finally got what I wanted. A college, a hope, and a way to do something worthwhile. I just hope I don’t miss this chance, repeat the mistakes I made in my previous college here, and start taking life seriously. I’ve learnt many things in this one year, sitting at home, reading, writing, starting a blog, witnessing true success stories, I feel I’ve finally grown up.

I still can’t believe that I am actually going to be a post graduate in the next two years. I’ll be the first one in my entire family to join PG at such a young age.

Well, the other news is that, yesterday my sister gave birth to a little, cute baby boy, and that makes me a maasi (aunt). I am really lucky that she delivered a day before I had to leave for college. He’s the first baby in our family, after I was born exactly twenty two and a half years ago.

Hmm…Post graduation and an aunt… I feel old. 😦

My cute little nephew, few hours after he was born… 🙂

Best Friends Forever

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

9th September 2008, the first day i met her. A shy, innocent and naive young girl from Karnataka. It was our first day in college and she was the only one who talked to me in hindi.We both had to apply for hostel and so we went to the warden together. That day and every day after that till the last day of college we did everything together. She was like me in many ways and yet she was so different. I was short tempered, her dictionary didn’t have the word temper, i was the spoilt one, she was too cultured, i would shout for every small reason, and she would look here and there to check if someone is hearing us. All those four years in college we spent the whole day together, from 9 am to 11 pm. She would come everyday to my room to wake me up, ask me if i had brushed yet or not, slam me for not taking bath, then we would run to college, have breakfast together, sit together in class, lunch together, evening tea and parle g (i can never forget that, i miss parle g 😦 ), roam together after college, and after having dinner we would go back to our respective rooms. She used to sleep very early, i on the other hand was insomniac. We were always together, always. We had fights, really serious fights. I would always shout on her, she like always would say nothing in return. And again in few minutes we would be back together. She understood me like no one else. We would never get bored talking. It was good even if there were many problems in our respective lives…Life was good. We have many memories together. The first day in college, the days at hostel, the fights over what to eat for dinner, the Mysore trip, her sister’s wedding, the stressful days during exams, the way we used to envy dogs because they didn’t have to study, the days we didn’t eat because we fought with each other, the day she scolded me for not brushing my teeth and i poured  hot tea over her in anger,  the bitching sessions, the times she abused me for crying over my love life, the days i taught her hindi slangs (she masters the art now, more than me), all the days we cried, we laughed, we enjoyed, i can never forget those moments. Friends came and friends left in both of our lives but we had each other. Each moment i cherish about my college life, she comes into the picture, because she was always there. College ended last year but not our friendship. We call each other minimum three times a day.We still have so much to share, to laugh about. I always used to tell her, if you were a guy, you know i would’ve married you. I can write thousand words about us, yet i could never express the love and friendship we share. Words are just not enough.

This is for you SKK. You know i miss you a lot. I know i’ll never ever get a friend like you. When i stopped believing in friendship, you came like an angel into my life. You made me believe that best friends do exist, that people can be different yet care so immensely for each other. You were, you are and you’ll be always be my best friend. I know its going to be a little boring without me but what can we do now. Just pray for me so that i can give you a small gift next year, unlike a post like this (Compensation for not giving you a gift)

Happy Birthday, Moti.

 

Jobless

I wasted the whole day. I didn’t even read a single page. I don’t know why. I couldn’t get myself to study at all. I googled random things, read them all. Took some online, ‘Am I Depressed Quiz’ (i keep doing that), searched a whole lot of blogs, read many posts, wasted some more time. I don’t know why textbooks repel me. Even though i know i’ve to read them, i just can’t. This has been a habit of mine, i can’t study until the day of exam is very near but i can’t do that now as this is an ‘ENTRANCE EXAM’ and thousands of students all over India would be studying all day and night long to get a decent seat in a decent college somehow. As for me, i am wasting my time and my mind over useless things. Everyday i get news of my classmates either joining top universities abroad or getting hefty pay packages here in India. Although i’ve deleted my facebook account and cut down almost all contacts, news like this somehow reach me. And i hate it. I am jealous and i am admitting it here. Though i hate being jealous, i just cant help it. I was like this since i was a kid. But those were the times when i took jealously in a positive way, i now take it very negatively. I get depressed. And no one understands me here. All they say it, don’t worry, if you wont get a good rank we’ll opt for a management seat. But no one understands that i don’t want to buy a seat. I want to earn it. I want to earn my long lost respect, but  (yes, this BUT is a huge problem) i cant work hard. I think about it, i plan, i even execute the plan for 2-3 days until i am on my old way again. I am just lazy and i am ruining my future because of it.

One reason for not studying is, i am not interested. I hate studying. And when i tell this to my brother, he says, everyone hates studying but still they study. I like reading though. I wish i had joined literature instead of engineering. On a positive note, i am actually learning these days.  I’ll tell you,i didn’t know this much biotechnology when i was actually in college. Its only now, that i am beginning to understand these concepts. But understanding the concepts and answering the MCQs are two different things. MCQs are tough. And the funniest part about them, they always ask MCQs from the parts i left while studying. Did i tell you i am unlucky?

Engineering was fun, and just that. The country is just producing a breed of ‘i know nothing engineers’. Some of them are rich and lucky and join foreign universities. The unlucky ones struggle in our corrupted nation. In one of the exams that i wrote, the seals of the question paper was broken. What would one expect for the results? Nothing . This is how it is.

But yes, you cant blame everyone for the life you are living. I know its my fault. I’ve to think about it seriously at least now.

For now, i can just hope that tomorrow wont be like today and I’ll read study a few 100 pages. I wish i could do that more often though as i am left with only 90 days more.

On a different note, i am missing college and my friends like anything. I am missing hostel, namma Bangalore, those carefree days when i had nothing to worry about.

Why life becomes more complicated as we grow up? Why do we have to struggle at every phase of our life? And why do i’ve this strong feeling that i am the only one in my entire class who is actually struggling? Did i make a wrong decision by not sitting for the placement interviews last year? Why something that felt so right that time, feels like a mistake now?

‘I took the road less traveled by, and it hasn’t yet made any difference’