Jobless

I wasted the whole day. I didn’t even read a single page. I don’t know why. I couldn’t get myself to study at all. I googled random things, read them all. Took some online, ‘Am I Depressed Quiz’ (i keep doing that), searched a whole lot of blogs, read many posts, wasted some more time. I don’t know why textbooks repel me. Even though i know i’ve to read them, i just can’t. This has been a habit of mine, i can’t study until the day of exam is very near but i can’t do that now as this is an ‘ENTRANCE EXAM’ and thousands of students all over India would be studying all day and night long to get a decent seat in a decent college somehow. As for me, i am wasting my time and my mind over useless things. Everyday i get news of my classmates either joining top universities abroad or getting hefty pay packages here in India. Although i’ve deleted my facebook account and cut down almost all contacts, news like this somehow reach me. And i hate it. I am jealous and i am admitting it here. Though i hate being jealous, i just cant help it. I was like this since i was a kid. But those were the times when i took jealously in a positive way, i now take it very negatively. I get depressed. And no one understands me here. All they say it, don’t worry, if you wont get a good rank we’ll opt for a management seat. But no one understands that i don’t want to buy a seat. I want to earn it. I want to earn my long lost respect, but  (yes, this BUT is a huge problem) i cant work hard. I think about it, i plan, i even execute the plan for 2-3 days until i am on my old way again. I am just lazy and i am ruining my future because of it.

One reason for not studying is, i am not interested. I hate studying. And when i tell this to my brother, he says, everyone hates studying but still they study. I like reading though. I wish i had joined literature instead of engineering. On a positive note, i am actually learning these days.  I’ll tell you,i didn’t know this much biotechnology when i was actually in college. Its only now, that i am beginning to understand these concepts. But understanding the concepts and answering the MCQs are two different things. MCQs are tough. And the funniest part about them, they always ask MCQs from the parts i left while studying. Did i tell you i am unlucky?

Engineering was fun, and just that. The country is just producing a breed of ‘i know nothing engineers’. Some of them are rich and lucky and join foreign universities. The unlucky ones struggle in our corrupted nation. In one of the exams that i wrote, the seals of the question paper was broken. What would one expect for the results? Nothing . This is how it is.

But yes, you cant blame everyone for the life you are living. I know its my fault. I’ve to think about it seriously at least now.

For now, i can just hope that tomorrow wont be like today and I’ll read study a few 100 pages. I wish i could do that more often though as i am left with only 90 days more.

On a different note, i am missing college and my friends like anything. I am missing hostel, namma Bangalore, those carefree days when i had nothing to worry about.

Why life becomes more complicated as we grow up? Why do we have to struggle at every phase of our life? And why do i’ve this strong feeling that i am the only one in my entire class who is actually struggling? Did i make a wrong decision by not sitting for the placement interviews last year? Why something that felt so right that time, feels like a mistake now?

‘I took the road less traveled by, and it hasn’t yet made any difference’