Main Pareshaan

/ Mona

Naye naye chapters kyun darate hain is kadar ab mujhe,

Naye naye questions dekh kyun chakkar aate hain, har kadam yun mujhe,

Zara zara biochemistry se bhagne lga dil mera,

Zara zara maths se bhi door jane  lga dil mera,

Main pareshaan, pareshaan,pareshaan,pareshan,

Mastiyan ab kahan….

Main pareshaan, pareshaan,pareshaan,pareshan,

Kaisi bechainiyaan…

So this is the song in my mind these days, i’ve just edited the lyrics as per my situation. Kya bolun yaar…. 11 days to go for my exam and i am helpless. You know totally i had to study 11 subjects, out of those i’ve not even touched four, and that includes Maths and biochemistry which holds the most number of marks. Ab mai kya karun ye mujhe nhi pata. Or actually jo bhi maine padha tha during these months uska ABC bhi mujhe yaad nhi because itni books to read maar li maine, but revise kaun krega. Ab agr 40 ghante bhi ek din mai hon to bhi i just can’t study. I am clueless about what i am going to do. I solved last year question paper and guess what i just knew 30 questions out of 65. Sab logon ko mujhse itni umeeden hain and mai sari umeedon pe pani pherne wali hun. Actually i don’t even know ki why am i not studying. I am just hell bored with everything. Trust me, i now know more than what i used to know in college about biotech, but these MCQs and ratta maar abhiyaan nhi hota mujhse. I didn’t study anything in the last one month, actually time itna kam tha ki mai din bhar mai yahi sochne mai rahti thi ki kaunsi book jo padhun or is chakkar mai sab barbaad and sabse badi cheej i’ve become a couch potato. TV mai khoi rehti hun, kyunki agr books k saamne baithti hun to apna dark future najar aata hai and to distract myself i spend all my time either watching TV or thinking. Kya krun mai? 11 din or sab khtm. Yes, i’ve to write other exams too but Gate mera favorite tha. Yes, tha kyunki mujhe koi umeed nahi hai ab.

I am tired. I don’t want to be depressed but i am. You know life is very tough. I’ve friends getting their first salary, friends already doing their MS in different nations, friends getting married, and i am hidden in a small world, world where no one knows me except my family, i don’t talk to people except 2-3 friends who keep updating me about what’s happening in everyone’s life, i don’t go out, i am basically invisible, i’ve lost my identity. Soon me and my mom are leaving this place (can’t disclose the reasons), and i don’t know where are we going. Firstly i didn’t have any clue about my career now i dont’ve any clue about my life. I know one exam is not the end of the world but i just wanna know what’s gonna happen with my life.  I know there are people who are living worse lives than me, but its human nature, we always feel our problems are the biggest. I have everything yet i feel so incomplete. I don’t know, i just want an easy life, an ordinary life. I just want to be happy again.

I am fed up of closed doors, for once i wish to see a door open. A door that’ll end all my miseries. For once…………

20 thoughts on “Main Pareshaan”

  3. It may seem hard today. But it’ll be all worth it in the end. And maybe you are invisible to some, but for the people, you write, you shine like no one else. :’)
    Keep hoping. Keep believing. Happiness will come your way too.
    All the best for everything. 😀

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  4. Mona… I know this feeling… I have been through this… I mean the exam situation and yes it happens… you seem blank but without opening a book just try to remember what have you read… at first you won’t remember anything, but slowly some of it will come into mind and that gives immense confidence… try doing that… Mona, don’t worry too much… you will come out fine, just hang on 🙂

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      • You will do fine Mona… don’t try to read everything, just try to remember what you have read… that’s all… Best of luck dear and you know something, cracking GATE is not the only thing in the world. If you do good, if you don’t… who cares? Just treat it like that and you are talking about your friends drawing salaries or studying abroad… Mona let me tell you something, how many of your friends have got a mind and creativity like you? How many of your friends can write like a natural writer? How many of your friends can see and feel the the world like you do? Think… isn’t it better to remain unique rather than doing what everyone is doing, rather than being someone “expected.” ?
        Just do things because you want to do the things not because you love the result of it. So, chill. You are just at the dawn of your 20’s… plenty of time is out there.
        So all the best for your future, it is certainly bright.

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      • Thank you so much for everything you wrote here. I needed it. After all this time i had lost all my hopes.I was thinking, even if i do clear gate what am i gonna do. Slog two more years like i did for four. But the world out there never lets us alone. I want those things too, money,job,free shortcut to universities but the reality is i can’t get that. And if not for people i don’t even want that. I was different, however cliched it may seem, i always thought to do different things, but i wasn’t allowed to. I am not that independent as of now. but no one understood it.evryone said, pagal hai ye ladki, ptanhi chahti kya hai. And they say that even today. And it hurts because right now i don’t see a way to achieve the things i want. I am confused, and that;s the thing for now. thank you for understanding me. I am not alone and that makes me happy.

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  5. U know what.. I kind of relate to you. But the difference is, whenever I am depressed, I never let it affect me for than a day. There is always something amazing waiting. I know thats cheesy. But its true. Love you. muah. Take care ok. And best of luck for your ‘darbadar’ exams 😛

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  7. Hi,

    I just wish to refer to these lines “I’ve friends getting their first salary, friends already doingtheir MS in different nations, friends getting married, and iam hidden in a small world, world where no one knows me except my family”.

    See, I am no expert or life coach but that’s not the best way to go about life – comparing yourself to peers.

    I know it’s natural to compare, more so, in our nation. But at the end of the day, you are you – God’s unique creation. No one can be like you. And you can’t be like anyone else. You’ll figure out a way.

    Money, job – all will follow. Just hang in there. Best wishes.

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    • Even if i try not to compare, people around me start comparing, that’s how our society is. Well, i think we have to just wait for the good things, its just that my wait is longer. If i were like anyone else, i would have taken that job, i would have got married too. I think i am pareshaan because i’ve created these pareshaanis for me. I am just figuring out my way of living this life.
      Thank you for your wishes. Means a lot.

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  8. You still have room for continued growth, young-lady. . . . However, don’t just go through the rhythm of life with boredom; question every intent, purposefully. All that you involve yourself with, what is its significance; what does it all mean to you, as well as your worldly existence? You have the answer, so question the need for yourself. All who know you, and adore you, is some fashion, have a greater need of you, than you, a this moment, realize you have for yourself. . . All you do, as well as the decisions you make, must be for you, and for you alone. In all your confidence, what does study, and “education” mean to “YOU?”. . . The world has need of you, so work diligently, and if anything. . . only to prove yourself wrong. . . .

    I genuinely enjoyed reading your words. Thank you, for posting those thoughts.

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  9. In addition: Remember, doors are always open — never closed. How do you see yourself in the world, as “Opportunity?” Remember your vision, as well as this thought: “That life is not about salary,” more importantly, it is about making a difference! Forget about “chilling,” you have been chilling too much, and for to long, then before you know it, you would have receded as opportunity that you are. Then, you will have no one to counter except yourself!!! So please, do well, in all you set you ambition to do. . .

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    • Thank you for sharing your wise thoughts here. I’ll always keep this in mind and work towards my goal, whenever i find it. I am still looking out for it, may be i already know it but i am not too sure. Life is not about salary but its about making a difference, i hope someday i’ll be successful in doing that.
      Thank you!

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